Thursday, March 11, 2010
Day 131 - When you're hot you're hot
When you're not you're not. I looked hot today. It was the red shoes. Our water is not hot. Gas is gone. Got to get it back.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Day 130 - Bob's Boot Camp
Seriously. It's Bob's boot camp. We shopped for boots tonight at Red Wing on our way home from riding bikes to Bryan High and then SFA where we walked up and down the bleachers.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day 129 - Showing Up
The biggest part of parenting is showing up. Tonight's band concert reminded me of that. Going to a 6th grade band concert is not on my bucket list. Being there for my son is. When he looks up in the crowd he wants to see his people.
Too often I think that my parenting needs to be perfect. My parenting will never be perfect. Ask my know-it-all 12 year old. He will tell you that I only occasionally hit the mark. But I am there. When it is easy and when it is not. When I want to be and when I don't. For the laughter, the yelling, the hugs, the attitude, the fun, the sorrow, the homework, etc. You get the picture.
The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. Showing up = love.
Too often I think that my parenting needs to be perfect. My parenting will never be perfect. Ask my know-it-all 12 year old. He will tell you that I only occasionally hit the mark. But I am there. When it is easy and when it is not. When I want to be and when I don't. For the laughter, the yelling, the hugs, the attitude, the fun, the sorrow, the homework, etc. You get the picture.
The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. Showing up = love.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Day 28 - Green Shorts
I have a lot of legitimate excuses to why my blogging has been sketchy lately. But the hard core reason is that I feel vulnerable and don't want to be exposed. I don't want to reflect on why things are the way they are. I don't want to think about how I need to change. I don't want to be honest about my choices. I don't want.
So tonight I will tell you a story about green polyester shorts. Kiwi green Bermuda shorts with ridges down the front of each leg. My mothers shorts. The ones that she loved and wore for way too long. The ones that in the end had to be held together by pins. The ones that my dad had to dig out of the dirty clothes basket when she wasn't looking and put in the burn barrel.
Those shorts started out fashionable. My mother would never be too trendy, but she was always conservative with a splash. So those shorts started out being on the edge for conservative fashion. They probably had a really cute top that matched and in the beginning that was always worn with them. An outfit. Somewhere along the way the top disappeared. The shorts remained past fashionable where they simply became just comfortable and were only worn around the house out of the view of non-family, but worn often. Over time we began to refer to them as the uniform
Through the years there would be many more uniforms but none of them stood out as much as the green shorts.
That's why you might see me at Albertson's with gray yoga Bermudas, a brown top, pink sweatshirt and Birkenstocks. It may not look normal to you. You may start a discussion about an intervention. But its my roots people. It's just my uniform.
So tonight I will tell you a story about green polyester shorts. Kiwi green Bermuda shorts with ridges down the front of each leg. My mothers shorts. The ones that she loved and wore for way too long. The ones that in the end had to be held together by pins. The ones that my dad had to dig out of the dirty clothes basket when she wasn't looking and put in the burn barrel.
Those shorts started out fashionable. My mother would never be too trendy, but she was always conservative with a splash. So those shorts started out being on the edge for conservative fashion. They probably had a really cute top that matched and in the beginning that was always worn with them. An outfit. Somewhere along the way the top disappeared. The shorts remained past fashionable where they simply became just comfortable and were only worn around the house out of the view of non-family, but worn often. Over time we began to refer to them as the uniform
Through the years there would be many more uniforms but none of them stood out as much as the green shorts.
That's why you might see me at Albertson's with gray yoga Bermudas, a brown top, pink sweatshirt and Birkenstocks. It may not look normal to you. You may start a discussion about an intervention. But its my roots people. It's just my uniform.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day 124 - Sick
I haven't blogged because I have been sick. Using all of the energy for going to work. Coming home and crashing.
Right now I should be in Richardson, going to my sister's baby shower. Fever robbed me of that. I hate you fever.
My dogs should be walked. My kitchen clean. My classroom clean. My spirits up.
I hate being sick.
I'm sure there is a purpose for it. And when I'm not sick or it's someone else I could give some very thoughtful and logical reason for it. But when I'm smack dab in the middle of it, it just sucks.
Right now I should be in Richardson, going to my sister's baby shower. Fever robbed me of that. I hate you fever.
My dogs should be walked. My kitchen clean. My classroom clean. My spirits up.
I hate being sick.
I'm sure there is a purpose for it. And when I'm not sick or it's someone else I could give some very thoughtful and logical reason for it. But when I'm smack dab in the middle of it, it just sucks.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Day 121 - Honesty
Honesty is a big deal in my family. I think my dad would rather me be a prostitute than a liar. You think I'm joking. I grew up in a family where if you asked a question, you got an answer. An honest one. Sometimes that was exactly what you needed and sometimes it was just painful.
So, I end up saying things like "OMG, what happened to your nose? It's all red and swollen." "Yeah, that didn't go so well." "Well, it covered all the basics, if that's what you wanted."
But there is a different kind of honesty that is harder to express. What we really think in the core of our being. Those thoughts that arise that are rarely spoken because they scare us. Or because someone has told us it is not okay to think that way. And we believed them. Or because we want to please someone we care about and the truth is not so pleasing.Sometimes we can't even recognize this truth.
I believe that is what causes discontent. What we want or believe and what we live are not reconciled. Conflict of the soul. Destruction to ourselves.
I'm not saying we should live just according to our wants. If that was the case no one would raise teenagers or shave their legs. I am saying that we need to not pretend to be satisfied, content, happy, etc. when we are not. Please do not take this as an okay to go around spewing all of your discontent.
But, also if you are continually discontent, maybe you need to make some changes. Maybe those are internal changes and maybe they are external.
So, I end up saying things like "OMG, what happened to your nose? It's all red and swollen." "Yeah, that didn't go so well." "Well, it covered all the basics, if that's what you wanted."
But there is a different kind of honesty that is harder to express. What we really think in the core of our being. Those thoughts that arise that are rarely spoken because they scare us. Or because someone has told us it is not okay to think that way. And we believed them. Or because we want to please someone we care about and the truth is not so pleasing.Sometimes we can't even recognize this truth.
I believe that is what causes discontent. What we want or believe and what we live are not reconciled. Conflict of the soul. Destruction to ourselves.
I'm not saying we should live just according to our wants. If that was the case no one would raise teenagers or shave their legs. I am saying that we need to not pretend to be satisfied, content, happy, etc. when we are not. Please do not take this as an okay to go around spewing all of your discontent.
But, also if you are continually discontent, maybe you need to make some changes. Maybe those are internal changes and maybe they are external.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Day 120 -
Yes, no title. Nothing came to mind. My mind has crashed. It followed my body which crashed about 2:23 this afternoon. Nap crash. Want to sit in the chair for 14 days without taking a shower or brushing my teeth crash.
I've been pushing, pushing, pushing past some limits. Staying up too late. Trying to get too much done. Calling simplicity a four letter word. Usually I would just get sick. That's what typically happens. Today I just got overwhelmingly tired.
See, I'm rambling. No coherency left.
People need respite. I need respite. It charges me up. Increases my productivity. Allows creativity. Keeps me patient. Makes me sane. Well, as sane as I'm ever gonna be.
Sometimes my narcissism wants me to believe that I am the Energizer Bunny. But, I'm not. I'm just a girl who wants to save the world, take good care of my family, and find joy in every day life. So little room for rest. But no chance without it.
I've been pushing, pushing, pushing past some limits. Staying up too late. Trying to get too much done. Calling simplicity a four letter word. Usually I would just get sick. That's what typically happens. Today I just got overwhelmingly tired.
See, I'm rambling. No coherency left.
People need respite. I need respite. It charges me up. Increases my productivity. Allows creativity. Keeps me patient. Makes me sane. Well, as sane as I'm ever gonna be.
Sometimes my narcissism wants me to believe that I am the Energizer Bunny. But, I'm not. I'm just a girl who wants to save the world, take good care of my family, and find joy in every day life. So little room for rest. But no chance without it.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 119 - Plans
In two weeks I expect one of the following to happen:
#1 I will
complete my taxes
sleep late
plant my garden
read a book
buy some cute shorts
see a movie
#2
My sister will have a baby and I will go see her and get none of list 1 done except read a book.
I vote for #2.
Next week I'm planning to start swimming. The pool is heated. It's going to be COLD when I get out. I went to look for a hooded terry cloth robe at the mall and there were none. I found one on line for $100. I'm thinking I'll just have to make do. But, it sure is going to be COLD.
Tomorrow I plan to go up to work and clean my room. It's beyond. That's all I can say.
#1 I will
complete my taxes
sleep late
plant my garden
read a book
buy some cute shorts
see a movie
#2
My sister will have a baby and I will go see her and get none of list 1 done except read a book.
I vote for #2.
Next week I'm planning to start swimming. The pool is heated. It's going to be COLD when I get out. I went to look for a hooded terry cloth robe at the mall and there were none. I found one on line for $100. I'm thinking I'll just have to make do. But, it sure is going to be COLD.
Tomorrow I plan to go up to work and clean my room. It's beyond. That's all I can say.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 118 - Beautiful Day
Today I was warm. Had plenty to eat. Did not worry where I would sleep tonight. Felt safe. And loved.
It was a beautiful day.
It was a beautiful day.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 117 - Funerals
I have been to 2 funerals in the last 48 hours. One in Florida, one in Texas. I'm actually too tired to write, but it has been a while and I wanted to post a couple of things while they are fresh on my mind.
In addition to serving as a celebration of a person's life and a chance to say goodbye, funerals serve as a reminder to the living to live. To forgive. To prioritize. To do things that matter.
What I want to do is:
Spend more time with people I love. They won't be around forever. Even if they are difficult, say inappropriate things most of the time, etc. You just have to accept your family and love them anyway. You get to choose your friend and can be a little more picky with them.
Help people out more. Be less selfish. I know everyone needs recovery time for life, but every minute counts. I want to get as much in as possible.
Focus on God's purpose for my life.
In addition to serving as a celebration of a person's life and a chance to say goodbye, funerals serve as a reminder to the living to live. To forgive. To prioritize. To do things that matter.
What I want to do is:
Spend more time with people I love. They won't be around forever. Even if they are difficult, say inappropriate things most of the time, etc. You just have to accept your family and love them anyway. You get to choose your friend and can be a little more picky with them.
Help people out more. Be less selfish. I know everyone needs recovery time for life, but every minute counts. I want to get as much in as possible.
Focus on God's purpose for my life.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 113 - Goodbye Uncle Virgil
Every day of my life that I have lived, except for today, my Uncle Virgil has been alive.
I have always known him.
He is a part of the fabric of my life.
He was my dad's college roomate and married my mom's sister.
More than just an uncle.
A true character. In a world filled with manufactured people, he always felt the freedom to just be who he was. I loved that about him.
He's the only person I know that built their own television.
He was frugal.
He loved babies.
You had to fight him for the remote control.
He had a pair of plaid pants that he wore for at least 30 years. Through 2 phases of popularity.
He had his mother's smile and he used it often.
He was loud.
He gave big hugs.
He played by the rules (he knew the official rules of every game we every played.)
He loved my mom's pies.
He always had his 2 for 1 coupons ready when my dad came to visit.
He loved his family. And they loved him.
He will be missed.
I have always known him.
He is a part of the fabric of my life.
He was my dad's college roomate and married my mom's sister.
More than just an uncle.
A true character. In a world filled with manufactured people, he always felt the freedom to just be who he was. I loved that about him.
He's the only person I know that built their own television.
He was frugal.
He loved babies.
You had to fight him for the remote control.
He had a pair of plaid pants that he wore for at least 30 years. Through 2 phases of popularity.
He had his mother's smile and he used it often.
He was loud.
He gave big hugs.
He played by the rules (he knew the official rules of every game we every played.)
He loved my mom's pies.
He always had his 2 for 1 coupons ready when my dad came to visit.
He loved his family. And they loved him.
He will be missed.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Day 112 - 21
I'm not 21 any longer. My bones tell me that frequently. And when I look in the mirror I am instantly reminded. Damn mirror.
But, once I was 21. And I remember it and it doesn't feel that far away. It doesn't feel 23 years ago. Part of me still feels 21. Somedays I wake up surprised that I am married, a mother, a teacher, a homeowner. When you look at me do you see that 21 year old? Or do you only see a middle aged woman? I still have dreams and hopes for my future. I still love a man and desire him. I still have insecurities. I still have a lot to learn. I still love to laugh and have fun with my friends. I still have ups and downs. Success and failure. Strengths and weaknesses.
I am not just 44. I am all of the years and experiences along the way to 44. I am 0-44. And 21 falls in between. So, I guess I am 21 after all.
But, once I was 21. And I remember it and it doesn't feel that far away. It doesn't feel 23 years ago. Part of me still feels 21. Somedays I wake up surprised that I am married, a mother, a teacher, a homeowner. When you look at me do you see that 21 year old? Or do you only see a middle aged woman? I still have dreams and hopes for my future. I still love a man and desire him. I still have insecurities. I still have a lot to learn. I still love to laugh and have fun with my friends. I still have ups and downs. Success and failure. Strengths and weaknesses.
I am not just 44. I am all of the years and experiences along the way to 44. I am 0-44. And 21 falls in between. So, I guess I am 21 after all.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Day 111 - Split
Tonight my son is with his mom. It is where he goes every other weekend, Thursday evenings and one month in the summer.
I miss him.
Sometimes I hold back from giving him every last ounce of my love.
Because I do not have all of him.
And it hurts too much.
I have lost him before and I survived.
But not completely intact.
One day he will be neither here nor there.
He will be grown and making his own choices about where he goes.
And I will miss him then.
As I do now.
And I will wonder if he is happy and safe and well loved.
As I do now.
Sleep well Sweet Pea. Child of my heart.
I miss him.
Sometimes I hold back from giving him every last ounce of my love.
Because I do not have all of him.
And it hurts too much.
I have lost him before and I survived.
But not completely intact.
One day he will be neither here nor there.
He will be grown and making his own choices about where he goes.
And I will miss him then.
As I do now.
And I will wonder if he is happy and safe and well loved.
As I do now.
Sleep well Sweet Pea. Child of my heart.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 110 - Rethinking
I love to have my mind shifted.
It thinks and thinks and then someone comes along and moves the track.
I like to say that a new portal opens in my brain.
Use of more of that thinking space.
Explosion of ideas.
I am so grateful to the MANY people who have opened my mind, filled it, stretched it and used it to open their own portals.
It thinks and thinks and then someone comes along and moves the track.
I like to say that a new portal opens in my brain.
Use of more of that thinking space.
Explosion of ideas.
I am so grateful to the MANY people who have opened my mind, filled it, stretched it and used it to open their own portals.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Day 109 - Remember When
I remember:
There was a smoking area at the high school for both teachers and students
Cordless and cell phones did not exist. One phone in the kitchen and one in my parents bedroom. Dad wouldn't let us use the one in their room and the phone was for business so when he was home, no phone calls over 10 minutes.
No one locked their doors unless they were on vacation and you kept the keys in the car ignition so you could always find them.
We got up to turn the channels. All 4 of them.
I got a perm every 6 months.
Teachers gave you pops for misbehaving or for putting your bookcover on incorrectly (I never understood that one Mr. Pillans.)
45 minutes of recess and an hour of PE every day.
Ice cream every Friday with lunch.
Coaches were assigned a subject, but taught nothing.
Jumping out of a tree and trying to fall on my arm and break it so I wouldn't have to write a paper. I finally gave up and just wrote the darn thing.
Falling in and out of love every week. Seriously. (I'm trying to remember what that felt like now that that my son is 12.)
Checking inappropriate books out from the library and hiding them from my mother. Thus the whole serial killer phase when I was in 6th or 7th grade.
Wanting a boy to like me but refusing to change to make it happen.
Losing all my friends in 6th grade for being too bossy.
Field trips and field day. I loved, loved, loved them.
Running faster than any other girl in elementary school.
Stealing a coin purse in first grade and feeling guilty for it for 38 years and counting.
Getting the chicken pox in 10th grade when I had just started a new high school.
Copying the tests for Biology II for the teacher and refusing to look at them because I didn't want an unfair advantage.
Reading Gone with the Wind in 2 days when I was 13.
Being hooked on soap operas at the age of 5.
My mom reading to me every day until I could read myself.
Being told by my 8th grade English Teacher that I just wasn't an A student and making an 89 on practically every paper of the year.
Making moonshine in Science lab.
There was a smoking area at the high school for both teachers and students
Cordless and cell phones did not exist. One phone in the kitchen and one in my parents bedroom. Dad wouldn't let us use the one in their room and the phone was for business so when he was home, no phone calls over 10 minutes.
No one locked their doors unless they were on vacation and you kept the keys in the car ignition so you could always find them.
We got up to turn the channels. All 4 of them.
I got a perm every 6 months.
Teachers gave you pops for misbehaving or for putting your bookcover on incorrectly (I never understood that one Mr. Pillans.)
45 minutes of recess and an hour of PE every day.
Ice cream every Friday with lunch.
Coaches were assigned a subject, but taught nothing.
Jumping out of a tree and trying to fall on my arm and break it so I wouldn't have to write a paper. I finally gave up and just wrote the darn thing.
Falling in and out of love every week. Seriously. (I'm trying to remember what that felt like now that that my son is 12.)
Checking inappropriate books out from the library and hiding them from my mother. Thus the whole serial killer phase when I was in 6th or 7th grade.
Wanting a boy to like me but refusing to change to make it happen.
Losing all my friends in 6th grade for being too bossy.
Field trips and field day. I loved, loved, loved them.
Running faster than any other girl in elementary school.
Stealing a coin purse in first grade and feeling guilty for it for 38 years and counting.
Getting the chicken pox in 10th grade when I had just started a new high school.
Copying the tests for Biology II for the teacher and refusing to look at them because I didn't want an unfair advantage.
Reading Gone with the Wind in 2 days when I was 13.
Being hooked on soap operas at the age of 5.
My mom reading to me every day until I could read myself.
Being told by my 8th grade English Teacher that I just wasn't an A student and making an 89 on practically every paper of the year.
Making moonshine in Science lab.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Day 108 - Forgetful
I forgot to blog yesterday. Thought I had, but I hadn't. I'm forgetful.
I'm forgetful because I have too much going on. I have traveled parts of the last 2 weeks. That always disorients me. My student teacher is in full responsibility. So you think I would have lots of time, but I have planned 100 other things to do.
Maybe I caught it from hanging out with my son. He has that brain that only pregnant women and teenagers get. Someone called yesterday and he couldn't tell us who, why or anything about the call. I don't know is now the standard answer.
I'm forgetful because my brain is not the reliable reminder that it once was. There's technology to take care of that, but I am challenged in that area. I'm the teacher that is on the 12 hours/week technology training needed.
I'm also just tired. This time of year I am worn out. The batteries begin to get faulty. Short circuit. Spring break will freshen me up, but its a few weeks away.
The problem is that I'm not so forgetful that I forget I'm forgetful. I'm thinking that is equivalent to bliss. Not knowing what your problem is because you can't remember you have a problem. I think tequila puts me in that state.
My plan: Slow down (ha, how many times I have said that.) Get some sleep (if the hormones allow.) Start a list (if I can remember where I put it.) And if all else fails, you guessed it, drink some tequila.
I'm forgetful because I have too much going on. I have traveled parts of the last 2 weeks. That always disorients me. My student teacher is in full responsibility. So you think I would have lots of time, but I have planned 100 other things to do.
Maybe I caught it from hanging out with my son. He has that brain that only pregnant women and teenagers get. Someone called yesterday and he couldn't tell us who, why or anything about the call. I don't know is now the standard answer.
I'm forgetful because my brain is not the reliable reminder that it once was. There's technology to take care of that, but I am challenged in that area. I'm the teacher that is on the 12 hours/week technology training needed.
I'm also just tired. This time of year I am worn out. The batteries begin to get faulty. Short circuit. Spring break will freshen me up, but its a few weeks away.
The problem is that I'm not so forgetful that I forget I'm forgetful. I'm thinking that is equivalent to bliss. Not knowing what your problem is because you can't remember you have a problem. I think tequila puts me in that state.
My plan: Slow down (ha, how many times I have said that.) Get some sleep (if the hormones allow.) Start a list (if I can remember where I put it.) And if all else fails, you guessed it, drink some tequila.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Day 106 - I Feel
Occasionally. Every once in a blue moon. I feel small.
Like all of my life as a total is a joke. Barely significant.
It started with a dream. A nightmare. Too awful to spill onto this page. Too awful to think that my mind can hold those thoughts.
From there I have felt inadequate. I'm not the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, neighbor, etc that I need to be.
I dress like a slob. I'm fat. I'm not smart enough.
And so the list goes on and on.
Negative thinking.
Serves no purpose but to bring me down. Hold me down.
I think tomorrow I will wake up in a better mood.
Like all of my life as a total is a joke. Barely significant.
It started with a dream. A nightmare. Too awful to spill onto this page. Too awful to think that my mind can hold those thoughts.
From there I have felt inadequate. I'm not the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, neighbor, etc that I need to be.
I dress like a slob. I'm fat. I'm not smart enough.
And so the list goes on and on.
Negative thinking.
Serves no purpose but to bring me down. Hold me down.
I think tomorrow I will wake up in a better mood.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Day 105 - When I'm Rich
If I ever write those books I've been talking about for 15 years and they are actually good and I sell a bunch and make a lot of money then I am going to do these things:
1. Go to both the Winter & Summer Olympics. Stay as close to the village as possible. Get Bridget to style me so I look like I belong there and watch as many events as I can.
2. Attend a yoga retreat in Telluride, CO. (I'm not sure I will be able to talk Bob into going on this one with me.)
3. Take everybody to New York City for Girl's Weekend, or Girl's Week.
4. Travel across the country with my friends with the sole purpose of finding and eating at really good and unique restaraunts and staying at notable and eclectic hotels.
Okay. Those are the things I say I'm going to do. But, I am fairly practical so this is probably what is more likely to happen.
1. Buy a big screen tv to watch the Winter and Summer Olympics.
2. Hire someone to show me how to do yoga properly.
3. Rent a super cool place for gir's weekend in Wimberly.
4. Take my friends out to eat.
1. Go to both the Winter & Summer Olympics. Stay as close to the village as possible. Get Bridget to style me so I look like I belong there and watch as many events as I can.
2. Attend a yoga retreat in Telluride, CO. (I'm not sure I will be able to talk Bob into going on this one with me.)
3. Take everybody to New York City for Girl's Weekend, or Girl's Week.
4. Travel across the country with my friends with the sole purpose of finding and eating at really good and unique restaraunts and staying at notable and eclectic hotels.
Okay. Those are the things I say I'm going to do. But, I am fairly practical so this is probably what is more likely to happen.
1. Buy a big screen tv to watch the Winter and Summer Olympics.
2. Hire someone to show me how to do yoga properly.
3. Rent a super cool place for gir's weekend in Wimberly.
4. Take my friends out to eat.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Day 101 - Who's the Teacher?
5 Things I Have Taught My STudents
1. That I love them.
2. Mistakes are necessary to advance your learning.
3. How to find patterns in words, stories, math, writing ,etc.
4. Hard work results in success. Sucess results in more sucess.
5. "If you complain about the snacks they will be gone for like 5 weeks." - Shawnacey to Monasha
5 Things I Have Learned From My Students
1. They love me.
2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
3. Consistent application of rules = feeling safe.
4. Being silly makes learning fun for everyone.
5. If I don't pay attention to what is important to them, they won't pay attention to me.
1. That I love them.
2. Mistakes are necessary to advance your learning.
3. How to find patterns in words, stories, math, writing ,etc.
4. Hard work results in success. Sucess results in more sucess.
5. "If you complain about the snacks they will be gone for like 5 weeks." - Shawnacey to Monasha
5 Things I Have Learned From My Students
1. They love me.
2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
3. Consistent application of rules = feeling safe.
4. Being silly makes learning fun for everyone.
5. If I don't pay attention to what is important to them, they won't pay attention to me.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 100 - Red Eye
My father taught me about red eye. Anger that so consumes you that you do and say things that are way past any boundary that is close to appropriate.
I used to have it in spades. But I read my Bible and believed in Jesus and he taught the opposite of red eye. Loving people who are hard to love. Giving forgiveness that is undeserved. Turning the other cheek. So as a young girl, I prayed and prayed for God to irradicate red eye from my life.
Around the age of 29 it was pretty much gone with only an occasional flare-up that lacked the fury or consequence of my previous spew. People who know me now and didn't know me then really don't believe me when I tell them I used to have an anger management problem.
I see it in our kids all of the time. I say things like "I can see that you are angry. You have the power to make this situation better or worse. What will you choose?" or "If you don't like what someone does, then don't do the same thing. If you act just like them, then you are no different than them." or "Why are you giving so-and-so all of your power? They did this and you responded to them which means they have control over you and you don't have control over yourself." This usually works to calm them down and make them think.
Today, I needed my own advice. I haven't felt that anger rising up, inflaming my blood, rushing blood to my head in a LONG time. I felt it today. Things needed to be said, but not in anger. I can make the situation better or worse. I can act like that person or act like Jesus. I can hand over my self-discipline on a silver platter or keep it and treat it like the prized possession it is.
I don't want to be a person that seeks revenge over forgiveness. That says things in reaction to other people. That gives up precious time being angry because people are selfish or flawed or both. That calls everyone and tells them how right I am and how wrong the other person is.
I want to be at peace. And anger and loathing cannot coexist with peace.
So tonight, once again, I will pray that God will irradicate red-eye from my life. Would you please pray for me too?
I used to have it in spades. But I read my Bible and believed in Jesus and he taught the opposite of red eye. Loving people who are hard to love. Giving forgiveness that is undeserved. Turning the other cheek. So as a young girl, I prayed and prayed for God to irradicate red eye from my life.
Around the age of 29 it was pretty much gone with only an occasional flare-up that lacked the fury or consequence of my previous spew. People who know me now and didn't know me then really don't believe me when I tell them I used to have an anger management problem.
I see it in our kids all of the time. I say things like "I can see that you are angry. You have the power to make this situation better or worse. What will you choose?" or "If you don't like what someone does, then don't do the same thing. If you act just like them, then you are no different than them." or "Why are you giving so-and-so all of your power? They did this and you responded to them which means they have control over you and you don't have control over yourself." This usually works to calm them down and make them think.
Today, I needed my own advice. I haven't felt that anger rising up, inflaming my blood, rushing blood to my head in a LONG time. I felt it today. Things needed to be said, but not in anger. I can make the situation better or worse. I can act like that person or act like Jesus. I can hand over my self-discipline on a silver platter or keep it and treat it like the prized possession it is.
I don't want to be a person that seeks revenge over forgiveness. That says things in reaction to other people. That gives up precious time being angry because people are selfish or flawed or both. That calls everyone and tells them how right I am and how wrong the other person is.
I want to be at peace. And anger and loathing cannot coexist with peace.
So tonight, once again, I will pray that God will irradicate red-eye from my life. Would you please pray for me too?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Day 99 - I'm married to a weirdo
I'm married to a weirdo and I LOVE it. We got up at 5am and drove to LaPorte, Tx to a deserted industrial park to look at a 1989 Vogue deisel motorhome. The original plan was Dallas, but a bad bad cold put a damper on that.
All of the characters of the books I will write one day, when I am ready, will come from our many road trips to look at vehicles. Or from our adventures on the road. How many of you have lived out of a van for a month trekking through Alaska? I told you. Weirdo.
I also plan to include the chain smoking, hacking cough, NyQuil swilling black haired old lady from H.E.B. How could you not put her in a book? She kind of reminded me of my aunt Marge who spent some time in the Terrell State Hospital because she thought she was crazy (until she actually got there and realized she was rather sane.)
These are the people that appeal to me. People that don't fit the mold. You can't make these people up. They defy explanation. My brother would say I fit in this category as well.
Did I tell you my husband is also married to a weirdo? And yes, he LOVES it.
All of the characters of the books I will write one day, when I am ready, will come from our many road trips to look at vehicles. Or from our adventures on the road. How many of you have lived out of a van for a month trekking through Alaska? I told you. Weirdo.
I also plan to include the chain smoking, hacking cough, NyQuil swilling black haired old lady from H.E.B. How could you not put her in a book? She kind of reminded me of my aunt Marge who spent some time in the Terrell State Hospital because she thought she was crazy (until she actually got there and realized she was rather sane.)
These are the people that appeal to me. People that don't fit the mold. You can't make these people up. They defy explanation. My brother would say I fit in this category as well.
Did I tell you my husband is also married to a weirdo? And yes, he LOVES it.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Day 98 - Random Thoughts
"I would rather try and fail than not try at all." Taking risks is, well, risky. Too often we want a guaranteed outcome for an unproven risk. I'm not a fan of Donald Trump but I do admire that his willingness to lose money has helped him make money. That's inspirational. I hope that when people around me take that initiative to try something new that I am a support rather than a naysayer.
My uncle has called in Hospice. This has been weighing on my heart all day. He has fought hard against Cancer. But pain of that magnitude takes the fight right out of you. My aunt has never in her 67 years lived alone. Soon, she will know the magnitude of that pain.
"The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray." Brandon, that one is for you. I love that you love the book that gave me the quote of my life. Control freaks don't like for plans to go astray.
Prevention is the best medicine. I'm sure this applies to education as well. I keep thinking that we need to start being more proactive than reactive. I'm just not sure what that looks like.
I had the wonderful opportunity to see pure joy on the faces of our 5th graders this week. We went to Pine Cove and despite cold and rainy weather they had the time of their lives. It was a reminder of how unspoiled they are. How grateful for an opportunity to experience a different slice of life. Priceless memories.
Thankful for my "homey girlfriends."
It is clear that I will have to keep my job for a while. My neice, who apparantly already weighs 5.25 pounds in utero although her due date is 7 weeks away, will just have to be dressed in all the amazingly cute clothes that just wouldn't have looked right on Alex. It seems ridiculous to spend $60 on an outfit for a baby girl, but at the same time it seems ridiculous not to.
Chunk deuce.
My uncle has called in Hospice. This has been weighing on my heart all day. He has fought hard against Cancer. But pain of that magnitude takes the fight right out of you. My aunt has never in her 67 years lived alone. Soon, she will know the magnitude of that pain.
"The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray." Brandon, that one is for you. I love that you love the book that gave me the quote of my life. Control freaks don't like for plans to go astray.
Prevention is the best medicine. I'm sure this applies to education as well. I keep thinking that we need to start being more proactive than reactive. I'm just not sure what that looks like.
I had the wonderful opportunity to see pure joy on the faces of our 5th graders this week. We went to Pine Cove and despite cold and rainy weather they had the time of their lives. It was a reminder of how unspoiled they are. How grateful for an opportunity to experience a different slice of life. Priceless memories.
Thankful for my "homey girlfriends."
It is clear that I will have to keep my job for a while. My neice, who apparantly already weighs 5.25 pounds in utero although her due date is 7 weeks away, will just have to be dressed in all the amazingly cute clothes that just wouldn't have looked right on Alex. It seems ridiculous to spend $60 on an outfit for a baby girl, but at the same time it seems ridiculous not to.
Chunk deuce.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day 95 - Creeping back in
Not soda. I have wanted a soda about 250 times since I quit. But I have not crossed that threshold.
Giving up soda is not enough. I have to do that and other stuff to be healthy.
Bad habits like to creep in.
Like the Blob.
They start off small and innocuous and then they start to take over until they own your life.
I haven't walked the dogs in a week and a half.
I have had tea everyday this week and several days more than once.
I have traded my daily bowl of soup at lunch for school cafeteria food.
I ate half a bag of caramels and at least 10 small apricot pies.
I feel like crap.
I'm tired.
My energy is zapped.
My stomach hurts.
Refocus girl. You can do it.
Giving up soda is not enough. I have to do that and other stuff to be healthy.
Bad habits like to creep in.
Like the Blob.
They start off small and innocuous and then they start to take over until they own your life.
I haven't walked the dogs in a week and a half.
I have had tea everyday this week and several days more than once.
I have traded my daily bowl of soup at lunch for school cafeteria food.
I ate half a bag of caramels and at least 10 small apricot pies.
I feel like crap.
I'm tired.
My energy is zapped.
My stomach hurts.
Refocus girl. You can do it.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Day 94 - Encouragement
Everyone feels inadequate
From time to time
Sometimes we fan the flame
Cause we like to see the fire
Burning someone besides ourself
But when we are at our best
We desire misery for no one
We fight the flame
And light the path
For our friends to see
That they are enough
From time to time
Sometimes we fan the flame
Cause we like to see the fire
Burning someone besides ourself
But when we are at our best
We desire misery for no one
We fight the flame
And light the path
For our friends to see
That they are enough
Monday, February 1, 2010
Day 93 - Consequences
Consequences were established in the beginning. Failing grades = no media priveleges.
Consequences delivered.
Nasty name calling ensued.
Refusal to argue.
On the brink of being physical.
Calm words of warning.
Left to walk the dogs.
Shaking. Knowing if he crosses that line he will have to leave.
Where will he go?
Hopefully that bridge will never have to be crossed.
Consequences delivered.
Nasty name calling ensued.
Refusal to argue.
On the brink of being physical.
Calm words of warning.
Left to walk the dogs.
Shaking. Knowing if he crosses that line he will have to leave.
Where will he go?
Hopefully that bridge will never have to be crossed.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Day 92 - Miracle
Marriage is a miracle. Not the getting married, but the staying married.
I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend.
I love weddings. There is almost always hope and belief that it is forever.
But 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Those of us who are married and have never divorced may like to think that we have some special skill or know how. But staying married is a miracle.
A beautiful miracle.
God taking two people and combining their lives, opinions, ideas, hopes, dreams, sorrows, baggage, weaknesses and everything else and making it work.
Don't get me wrong, the people involved play a role in whether or not they stay married.
But sustaining anything for many years is hard. And people aren't perfect. And love doesn't solve all problems. Happiness isn't constant.
Marriage is a miracle.
I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a good marriage. A husband I love and respect and enjoy spending time with. Someone who loves me even though I'm crazy. I hope I never take this gift for granted.
I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend.
I love weddings. There is almost always hope and belief that it is forever.
But 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Those of us who are married and have never divorced may like to think that we have some special skill or know how. But staying married is a miracle.
A beautiful miracle.
God taking two people and combining their lives, opinions, ideas, hopes, dreams, sorrows, baggage, weaknesses and everything else and making it work.
Don't get me wrong, the people involved play a role in whether or not they stay married.
But sustaining anything for many years is hard. And people aren't perfect. And love doesn't solve all problems. Happiness isn't constant.
Marriage is a miracle.
I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a good marriage. A husband I love and respect and enjoy spending time with. Someone who loves me even though I'm crazy. I hope I never take this gift for granted.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day 89 - Listen Up
I need to listen better.
I need to hear you and not be thinking of 100 things I need to do.
Or what to say in response.
I need to listen to your words and body language and tone.
I need to really hear what you are saying.
And sit with it awhile.
And think about what you are really trying to say.
I need to listen with my heart and my head.
I need to be open to what you have to say.
Really open.
Not immediately thinking of all the reasons you are wrong and I am right.
Open.
I need to let you have your say.
Without the benefit of my spin.
All you. All your words. Your thoughts and ideas.
I need to listen better.
So that I can know you better.
Serve you better.
Love you better.
I need to hear you and not be thinking of 100 things I need to do.
Or what to say in response.
I need to listen to your words and body language and tone.
I need to really hear what you are saying.
And sit with it awhile.
And think about what you are really trying to say.
I need to listen with my heart and my head.
I need to be open to what you have to say.
Really open.
Not immediately thinking of all the reasons you are wrong and I am right.
Open.
I need to let you have your say.
Without the benefit of my spin.
All you. All your words. Your thoughts and ideas.
I need to listen better.
So that I can know you better.
Serve you better.
Love you better.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day 88 - The tongue
God's word says the tongue is like a fire. It can destroy.
It does destroy. It has destroyed.
It is the rudder of our ship.
It directs us. Paves the path for our experiences as negative or positive.
I'm not always so careful with my words.
Today I let discontent take over my tongue and spew some self-righteous attitude directly at someone I care about.
I can't take back those words.
I can't take back that hurt.
I can ask for forgiveness. I can be more careful next time. I can get my heart right so those thoughts don't cross my mind and that way they never have a chance of crossing my lips.
It does destroy. It has destroyed.
It is the rudder of our ship.
It directs us. Paves the path for our experiences as negative or positive.
I'm not always so careful with my words.
Today I let discontent take over my tongue and spew some self-righteous attitude directly at someone I care about.
I can't take back those words.
I can't take back that hurt.
I can ask for forgiveness. I can be more careful next time. I can get my heart right so those thoughts don't cross my mind and that way they never have a chance of crossing my lips.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Day 87 - I'm still learning
I realized a few things about myself today.
1. I'd rather fix someone's problems than teach them how to fix their own problems
2. I am not as thorough as I need to be
3. I am good at communicating what I think will help you and less effective at communicating what you need to hear
4. My ADD interferes with my need to prioritize
Not sure what I'm going to do with this information yet.
1. I'd rather fix someone's problems than teach them how to fix their own problems
2. I am not as thorough as I need to be
3. I am good at communicating what I think will help you and less effective at communicating what you need to hear
4. My ADD interferes with my need to prioritize
Not sure what I'm going to do with this information yet.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 86 - A little sugar on top
A few weeks ago, Albertson's had a sale on pints of Blue-Bell ice cream. I bought 10 different flavors. My guys love ice cream.
So everytime I cook a healthy homemade meal, we top it off with ice cream.
The perfect ending.
Of course I'm working on this high cholesterol thing so I only have a couple of spoonfuls.
That little bit goes a long way.
Isn't that how we like our truth? With a little sugar on top. Something positive to balance the sting of knowing we don't quite measure up or that we still have room to grow.
It's hard to admit to such easy manipulation, but its true. Kind words soften a hard heart. They soothe hurt feelings. They mend fences.
Here's to ice cream and kindness.
So everytime I cook a healthy homemade meal, we top it off with ice cream.
The perfect ending.
Of course I'm working on this high cholesterol thing so I only have a couple of spoonfuls.
That little bit goes a long way.
Isn't that how we like our truth? With a little sugar on top. Something positive to balance the sting of knowing we don't quite measure up or that we still have room to grow.
It's hard to admit to such easy manipulation, but its true. Kind words soften a hard heart. They soothe hurt feelings. They mend fences.
Here's to ice cream and kindness.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Day 85 - Cooperation
I can't find no, cooperation. Which leads to no satisfaction.
Why can't people just do what I want them to do?
Why can't people think like me?
Why are people so delusional about themselves?
Why I am a throwing a fit because I can't have my way?
This always happens. As soon as I get super organized and work like crazy hard I start to get - crazy.
Crazy with power.
Crazy with control.
Crazy with criticism.
I have lost all sense of balance (and I even did yoga this morning.)
My mantra - I am not God. I do not control the world. My ideas aren't perfect. I don't get to make all of the decisions. Other people get to make their own decisions. I can't fix everything. I need to focus on me and my faults instead of trying to fix everyone else's. I am not God.
Breathe.
Why can't people just do what I want them to do?
Why can't people think like me?
Why are people so delusional about themselves?
Why I am a throwing a fit because I can't have my way?
This always happens. As soon as I get super organized and work like crazy hard I start to get - crazy.
Crazy with power.
Crazy with control.
Crazy with criticism.
I have lost all sense of balance (and I even did yoga this morning.)
My mantra - I am not God. I do not control the world. My ideas aren't perfect. I don't get to make all of the decisions. Other people get to make their own decisions. I can't fix everything. I need to focus on me and my faults instead of trying to fix everyone else's. I am not God.
Breathe.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Day 84 - Gardening
In the summer I love to go to my garden and pick fresh vegetables and prepare them. So fresh. So tasty. So convenient.
For the last two years I have had a garden. The first year went pretty smooth because Bob did most of the work with making the box and filling it with dirt. I started a little late but ended up with wonderful tomatoes, peppers and squash. Last year the drought hurt and I had a ton of weeds.
This year I am using the lasagna gardening technique. In November I covered my garden with cardboard and watered it down well. The rains that followed through fall and winter helped to keep it moist so that the cardboard could start to break down.
Today I lifted it up and underneath was super moist and rich looking soil with lots of worms and bugs composting. I dug down a layer and started to bury my cardboard under the rich dirt. It serves to keep moisture in the soil and prevent weeds. When planting, it is easy to dig through the cardboard because it is already soft and supple from keeping it wet.
I also prepared a front flower bed that I plan to use as an herb garden this year. This will be my first time to try growing herbs.
Over the next few weeks I plan to finish preparing my garden so that I can begin planting in early March. Besides tomatoes and peppers I haven't decided yet what I will be planting.
There is something magical about planting a garden. Putting your hands in the soil. Preparing for something so natural and healthy. It just feels right.
For the last two years I have had a garden. The first year went pretty smooth because Bob did most of the work with making the box and filling it with dirt. I started a little late but ended up with wonderful tomatoes, peppers and squash. Last year the drought hurt and I had a ton of weeds.
This year I am using the lasagna gardening technique. In November I covered my garden with cardboard and watered it down well. The rains that followed through fall and winter helped to keep it moist so that the cardboard could start to break down.
Today I lifted it up and underneath was super moist and rich looking soil with lots of worms and bugs composting. I dug down a layer and started to bury my cardboard under the rich dirt. It serves to keep moisture in the soil and prevent weeds. When planting, it is easy to dig through the cardboard because it is already soft and supple from keeping it wet.
I also prepared a front flower bed that I plan to use as an herb garden this year. This will be my first time to try growing herbs.
Over the next few weeks I plan to finish preparing my garden so that I can begin planting in early March. Besides tomatoes and peppers I haven't decided yet what I will be planting.
There is something magical about planting a garden. Putting your hands in the soil. Preparing for something so natural and healthy. It just feels right.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Day 83 - Simple - Awwww
Tonight its going to be simple. My mind is going nowhere that's messy or busy or overwhelming or planning or thinking.
I'm not planning to veg. I'm planning to relax.
I'm not planning to veg. I'm planning to relax.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Day 82 - You may soon be calling me Aunt Georgia
I have been eating healthier. Quit drinking sodas. Started eating a lot more fiber.
That has consequences. Good for my health. Maybe not so great for my neighbors.
I am a producer of natural gas and when I got to go, I got to go.
Once I give up candy and fried foods there is no telling how healthy I will be. You may want to keep your distance.
I may soon have some stories involving convenience stores, clean-up on aisle 3, family members pretending not to know me and police officers paging pyschiatric services.
That has consequences. Good for my health. Maybe not so great for my neighbors.
I am a producer of natural gas and when I got to go, I got to go.
Once I give up candy and fried foods there is no telling how healthy I will be. You may want to keep your distance.
I may soon have some stories involving convenience stores, clean-up on aisle 3, family members pretending not to know me and police officers paging pyschiatric services.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Day 81 - 101 Reasons Why
The Judd's had a song back in the day that went something like this "101 Reasons why I shouldn't love you, but the reasons why are 102."
I think that describes a lot of life.
Everything has an upside and a downside.
It's not all good or all bad. Everything has shades of both extremes and everything in between. The balance of that is different for every person.
I've been trying to explain to someone why I work more than the required 7:30-3:30. She thinks I work too hard. I feel like a slacker because there is so much more I could be doing. I think she isn't willing to work hard enough. She feels that life should have more balance and time to relax.
Who's right? Who's wrong? My reasons why I stay are 102. Her reasons to leave are 102.
I think that describes a lot of life.
Everything has an upside and a downside.
It's not all good or all bad. Everything has shades of both extremes and everything in between. The balance of that is different for every person.
I've been trying to explain to someone why I work more than the required 7:30-3:30. She thinks I work too hard. I feel like a slacker because there is so much more I could be doing. I think she isn't willing to work hard enough. She feels that life should have more balance and time to relax.
Who's right? Who's wrong? My reasons why I stay are 102. Her reasons to leave are 102.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Day 80 - Where there is a will
I know that every student at Kemp Elementary can learn how to read and comprehend what they read. I know this. I just haven't figured out a way yet to make it happen yet. I'm not giving up.
I have some new ideas to try out. I have been reading some stuff that focuses on strong foundational skills for Kindergarten. I have been offering training to teachers. I have been trying to build my endurance by eating healthier so that I can see these ideas to fruitition.
If you're out there and reading and you have any suggestions, please pass them along.
I have some new ideas to try out. I have been reading some stuff that focuses on strong foundational skills for Kindergarten. I have been offering training to teachers. I have been trying to build my endurance by eating healthier so that I can see these ideas to fruitition.
If you're out there and reading and you have any suggestions, please pass them along.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Day 79 - Breathe
Today we made an offer an a house. A house that needs some work on 6.5 beautiful park like acres. A pond. A garage apartment.
Part of me wants to act like we already have it. We don't. But already, even before the offer, Bob and I talked about everything we would do. And then would catch ourselves and remind ourselves that we don't own it.
And then I would think about leaving our house and that would take my breath away. I love our house and its character. We have a lot of memories here. If we leave, it will be hard.
I keep thinking its silly to have something that may or may not happen occupy so much of my thought before it happens. At the same time, if it wasn't popping into my mind so frequently, it probably is not the right place.
So we will see what happens. In the meantime, normal life will resume tomorrow and my attentions will be otherwise occupied, at least for the daytime.
Part of me wants to act like we already have it. We don't. But already, even before the offer, Bob and I talked about everything we would do. And then would catch ourselves and remind ourselves that we don't own it.
And then I would think about leaving our house and that would take my breath away. I love our house and its character. We have a lot of memories here. If we leave, it will be hard.
I keep thinking its silly to have something that may or may not happen occupy so much of my thought before it happens. At the same time, if it wasn't popping into my mind so frequently, it probably is not the right place.
So we will see what happens. In the meantime, normal life will resume tomorrow and my attentions will be otherwise occupied, at least for the daytime.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Day 78 - Salsa
Salsa is cheap. Usually. Big bang for the buck. Lots of flavor. Take something boring and spice it up.
Many different kinds for many different purposes.
That's what my friends provide. Spice. Each one a different flavor, serving a different purpose.
Making my life so much tastier and enjoyable.
Thank you friends.
Many different kinds for many different purposes.
That's what my friends provide. Spice. Each one a different flavor, serving a different purpose.
Making my life so much tastier and enjoyable.
Thank you friends.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Day 77 - Simple?
I created this blog to chronicle how I would be moving to a simpler life over the course of a year.
But like many journeys that begin with one intention a new direction soon emerged.
Many of my journeys have ended up going South. Mainly because my intention was not backed by effort. Or I was focused on the wrong thing. Or I was embarking on my own without direction from God or support from my peeps.
This journey is morphing into what I would call "purposeful complication." Through much reflection and some fit throwing I have accepted that while it is totally possible for me to live a simpler life, it is unlikely.
Some things are getting easier - I now have a housekeeper. Some things are harder - changing bad habits and being more committed to what I commit to (like marriage, parenthood, work and friendships.) A few things are on the horizon - becoming a CASA volunteer for kids in foster care, possibly buying a new house and welcoming a neice in March.
And of course, more morphing. Moving in the direction that God has chosen for me and not simply moving in my direction and asking for His help along the way.
But like many journeys that begin with one intention a new direction soon emerged.
Many of my journeys have ended up going South. Mainly because my intention was not backed by effort. Or I was focused on the wrong thing. Or I was embarking on my own without direction from God or support from my peeps.
This journey is morphing into what I would call "purposeful complication." Through much reflection and some fit throwing I have accepted that while it is totally possible for me to live a simpler life, it is unlikely.
Some things are getting easier - I now have a housekeeper. Some things are harder - changing bad habits and being more committed to what I commit to (like marriage, parenthood, work and friendships.) A few things are on the horizon - becoming a CASA volunteer for kids in foster care, possibly buying a new house and welcoming a neice in March.
And of course, more morphing. Moving in the direction that God has chosen for me and not simply moving in my direction and asking for His help along the way.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Day 76 - Everyone is dying
I found out today that the father of one of my best high school friends died of Cancer this morning. Another good friends father died a few weeks ago. My uncle with Stage IV cancer could die at any moment. Everytime my mom calls I wonder what the news will be.
Everyone is dying.
My mother actually bought a funeral dress a couple of months ago because so many people she knows are sick.
Everyone who is living is dying.
It's part of the cycle. A painful part. And sometimes a welcome and painful part.
We are but a speck.
Why waste time being petty?
Why put things before people?
Why worry?
Why wait?
Why just live for yourself when you can live to serve others and affect as many lives as possible?
Why stay in your nice comfortable cozy box?
Why waste time on important stuff?
Why put off your dreams?
I'm dying. But in the meantime I plan on living.
Everyone is dying.
My mother actually bought a funeral dress a couple of months ago because so many people she knows are sick.
Everyone who is living is dying.
It's part of the cycle. A painful part. And sometimes a welcome and painful part.
We are but a speck.
Why waste time being petty?
Why put things before people?
Why worry?
Why wait?
Why just live for yourself when you can live to serve others and affect as many lives as possible?
Why stay in your nice comfortable cozy box?
Why waste time on important stuff?
Why put off your dreams?
I'm dying. But in the meantime I plan on living.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day 75 - Emotions
12:26 Joy, when I realized I still had 5 hours left to sleep
5:22 Dread, when I realized the alarm would go off in 23 minutes
5:57 Resignment when I dragged myself into the shower
6:30 Sad when I realized my husband was sick
7:00 Laughing uncontrollably as the funniest human on the earth entertained me and mentioned my homey girlfriends
7:10 Satisfaction as I sipped Starbucks hot chocolate with whipped cream
7:35 Relaxed as I walked to class, prepared for the day
7:55 Concerned as Roxy sniffled and sneezed and looked like she needed to be tucked warmly in her bed resting
8:00 Proud as everyone read their words flawlessly
8:10 Intrigued when I realized that two of my students thought observe meant serve
8:20 Disappointed when my 8:15 group was nowhere to be found
8:45 Stunned when a teacher came barreling through the door with anger etched on her face
8:55 Curious about what was happening behind closed doors
9:00 Worried about my friends who were obviously a little rattled
9:10 Excited and concerned when current scores for K were posted
9:15 Unprepared when I didn't know the meaning of balanced literacy
9:20 Releived that no one judged me
9:40 Thankful that I had a few minutes before my next class
10:00 Determined that small group would be successful
10:15 Surprised at how many students didn't understand the meaning of range
10:45 Happy when a student said that she likes the way I make her think
11:00 Curious how my student teacher and students would do transitioning to class without me
11:15 Irritated that two students were bickering
11:30 Anxious that not everyone was ready to start class
11:40 Thrilled that Devante spelled all of his words correctly but 2
11:45 Amazed that Shawnacey knows summary so well
11:50 Wishful that Maria could verbalize her thoughts
11:55 Excited that Roxy remembered the order of where the story took place
12:00 Ready to see how my math group would add 2 digit numbers
12:05 Frustrated that they could not remember any of the skills we have been working on the past two weeks
12:30 Analyzing how I should modify instruction next time
12:31 Hurried to get lunch, bathroom and back to class in 30 minutes
12:35 Relaxed to sit, eat and visit for a spell
12:55 Anxious to return to my classroom to review the lesson for the day
1:05 Wondering where my students were
1:10 Pleased with how Amy handled a belligerent student
1:15 Overjoyed that Michelle remembered all of the steps for syllable division and used them to decode a 3 syllable word - detergent
1:20 Glad that 2 kiddos that don't struggle much get to see all of the decoding skills that my group has, I think they were in awe
1:30 Rushed that time was up and it was time for the next group
1:32 Satisfied that what I am teaching is sinking in
1:33 Releived to finally make it to the bathroom
1:35 In suspense about what condition my students would be in when I went to pull them (right in the middle of transition)
1:36 Bothered that Tony did not want to come to my class
1:37 Saddened and worried that one of my students left screaming from the office that she didn't want to go to that place
1:45 Shocked that Dreneshia could sit still and quite for 40 minutes
1:50 Resigned that one of my students was not going to put in full effort or attention
1:55 Encouraged after talking to said student
2:00 Curious at how my students were performing on their Mastery Check
2:15 Laughing with my students as we played sight word bingo
2:25 Anxious that I would be late for bus duty
2:30 Hurried
2: 30 Glad that Mrs. Barba was there
2:40 Releived that everyone was safely conveyed
2:45 Happy to hear that my students did well on their mastery checks
3:00 Not ready to get to work but feeling the necessity
3:05 Enjoying planning with Amy and seeing how much she has grown in one week
3:30 Disappointed to hear that a student was not going to qualify for services
4:25 Relieved that planning was finished
4:45 Heartbroken that one of the teachers I mentor was heartbroken about a struggling student
5:55 Tired as I headed home
6:15 Sad to see that my husband was still sick
6:30 Vegged
6:31 Grateful that I didn't have much to do tonight
One day, so many emotions. More to come before I sleep.
5:22 Dread, when I realized the alarm would go off in 23 minutes
5:57 Resignment when I dragged myself into the shower
6:30 Sad when I realized my husband was sick
7:00 Laughing uncontrollably as the funniest human on the earth entertained me and mentioned my homey girlfriends
7:10 Satisfaction as I sipped Starbucks hot chocolate with whipped cream
7:35 Relaxed as I walked to class, prepared for the day
7:55 Concerned as Roxy sniffled and sneezed and looked like she needed to be tucked warmly in her bed resting
8:00 Proud as everyone read their words flawlessly
8:10 Intrigued when I realized that two of my students thought observe meant serve
8:20 Disappointed when my 8:15 group was nowhere to be found
8:45 Stunned when a teacher came barreling through the door with anger etched on her face
8:55 Curious about what was happening behind closed doors
9:00 Worried about my friends who were obviously a little rattled
9:10 Excited and concerned when current scores for K were posted
9:15 Unprepared when I didn't know the meaning of balanced literacy
9:20 Releived that no one judged me
9:40 Thankful that I had a few minutes before my next class
10:00 Determined that small group would be successful
10:15 Surprised at how many students didn't understand the meaning of range
10:45 Happy when a student said that she likes the way I make her think
11:00 Curious how my student teacher and students would do transitioning to class without me
11:15 Irritated that two students were bickering
11:30 Anxious that not everyone was ready to start class
11:40 Thrilled that Devante spelled all of his words correctly but 2
11:45 Amazed that Shawnacey knows summary so well
11:50 Wishful that Maria could verbalize her thoughts
11:55 Excited that Roxy remembered the order of where the story took place
12:00 Ready to see how my math group would add 2 digit numbers
12:05 Frustrated that they could not remember any of the skills we have been working on the past two weeks
12:30 Analyzing how I should modify instruction next time
12:31 Hurried to get lunch, bathroom and back to class in 30 minutes
12:35 Relaxed to sit, eat and visit for a spell
12:55 Anxious to return to my classroom to review the lesson for the day
1:05 Wondering where my students were
1:10 Pleased with how Amy handled a belligerent student
1:15 Overjoyed that Michelle remembered all of the steps for syllable division and used them to decode a 3 syllable word - detergent
1:20 Glad that 2 kiddos that don't struggle much get to see all of the decoding skills that my group has, I think they were in awe
1:30 Rushed that time was up and it was time for the next group
1:32 Satisfied that what I am teaching is sinking in
1:33 Releived to finally make it to the bathroom
1:35 In suspense about what condition my students would be in when I went to pull them (right in the middle of transition)
1:36 Bothered that Tony did not want to come to my class
1:37 Saddened and worried that one of my students left screaming from the office that she didn't want to go to that place
1:45 Shocked that Dreneshia could sit still and quite for 40 minutes
1:50 Resigned that one of my students was not going to put in full effort or attention
1:55 Encouraged after talking to said student
2:00 Curious at how my students were performing on their Mastery Check
2:15 Laughing with my students as we played sight word bingo
2:25 Anxious that I would be late for bus duty
2:30 Hurried
2: 30 Glad that Mrs. Barba was there
2:40 Releived that everyone was safely conveyed
2:45 Happy to hear that my students did well on their mastery checks
3:00 Not ready to get to work but feeling the necessity
3:05 Enjoying planning with Amy and seeing how much she has grown in one week
3:30 Disappointed to hear that a student was not going to qualify for services
4:25 Relieved that planning was finished
4:45 Heartbroken that one of the teachers I mentor was heartbroken about a struggling student
5:55 Tired as I headed home
6:15 Sad to see that my husband was still sick
6:30 Vegged
6:31 Grateful that I didn't have much to do tonight
One day, so many emotions. More to come before I sleep.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Day 74 - Retirement
In one of my decoding classes that I teach, we were studying how the g can make the j sound. We came across the word gypsy and not one of my students knew what that meant. As I tried to explain what it was I said that one day when I retired my husband and I would by gypsies, moving around from place to place. One of my students said, Mrs. Cochrane, you can't retire. Who would teach the kids how to read?
This is when I know the real value of choosing hard over easy. They know what we choose. It shows them exactly what they mean to us.
This is when I know the real value of choosing hard over easy. They know what we choose. It shows them exactly what they mean to us.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Day 73 - Dog Tired
I am tired. So tired I will be lucky if I can string together some coherent thoughts here. Usually when I feel this way, so tired, I also feel inadequate. Like it's not okay to be tired.
But its okay to be tired. Ask the new moms and parents of toddlers. They are always tired.
Dog tired is a clear signal that some rest is needed. Re-charge the batteries. Sit, be still, calm the mind, relax.
So tonight I am recharging. Taking it easy. And no, I do not feel guilty. Guilty just zaps all of that energy that resting provides.
Recliner and pajamas, here I come.
But its okay to be tired. Ask the new moms and parents of toddlers. They are always tired.
Dog tired is a clear signal that some rest is needed. Re-charge the batteries. Sit, be still, calm the mind, relax.
So tonight I am recharging. Taking it easy. And no, I do not feel guilty. Guilty just zaps all of that energy that resting provides.
Recliner and pajamas, here I come.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Day 72 - Imperfections Not Allowed
We live in a society where perfection is expected. Standards are set for others with little tolerance for deviation, but with the understanding that we personally don't have to live up to those expectations. Differences are seen as personality flaws rather than, well differences. Appearance is a more valuable commodity than purpose or internal value.
No wonder everyone is stressed out. Carrying all of these expectation of perfection that are completely unattainable. Setting all of these expectations. Refusing to just accept that we are human, that the people around us are human and that mistakes are part of the human condition.
No wonder God has been so minimized by our culture. We expect each other to be dieties.
I'm not talking about a lack of accountability. We all know what happens when people choose not to be responsible. I'm talking about that as people are going on in life, well-intentioned and trying to do what is right, that when they aren't perfect, or when they rest for a while, or when they disappoint us, that we choose forgiveness over criticism.
No wonder everyone is stressed out. Carrying all of these expectation of perfection that are completely unattainable. Setting all of these expectations. Refusing to just accept that we are human, that the people around us are human and that mistakes are part of the human condition.
No wonder God has been so minimized by our culture. We expect each other to be dieties.
I'm not talking about a lack of accountability. We all know what happens when people choose not to be responsible. I'm talking about that as people are going on in life, well-intentioned and trying to do what is right, that when they aren't perfect, or when they rest for a while, or when they disappoint us, that we choose forgiveness over criticism.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Day 71 - Keep Your Eyes on the Prize
When you learn to ride a motorcyle they teach you to keep your eyes on where you are going. Turning your head tends to guide your hands, and therefore the bike, in the direction you are looking. Sounds easy, but there are lots of distractions when you are riding a motorcycle.
There are lots of distractions in life. Things that turn our heads and hands and focus and energy. Things that so easily and deceptively usurp our goals. We still think we are headed in direction A because it is where we want to go, but soon we realize we have traveled down a different road and its a long way back.
I was reminded of this at the end of this week. I have been focused on living a healthier life. Part of that plan has been to eat healthier, not perfect, just healthier. Stayed focused. Not overconsumed but every mindful. I haven't had a soda in over a month. I have been feeling much better. So much so that the mindfullness I had employed to keep me on track started to wane. And so my decisions followed. One night I grabbed Lane's chicken fingers for dinner. One day I ate two candy bars. One day pizza for lunch and Casa Ole for dinner, with tea at both meals. STOP.
The fact that I have not had any soda made me feel protected. But that is just one choice that keeps me healthy. I so easily go back to bad habits nurtured over years when I take my eyes off the prize. I'm glad I caught it before I was in El Paso on my way to Florida.
I have many changes I want to make. I can't make them all at once. I have tried that and it doesn't work. All or nothing. My plan for years. My plan that failed. But to begin to work on something new, I have to first ingrain new habits into my psyche so that they are automatic. Only then can I turn my focus and attention to conquering another nasty habit.
There are lots of distractions in life. Things that turn our heads and hands and focus and energy. Things that so easily and deceptively usurp our goals. We still think we are headed in direction A because it is where we want to go, but soon we realize we have traveled down a different road and its a long way back.
I was reminded of this at the end of this week. I have been focused on living a healthier life. Part of that plan has been to eat healthier, not perfect, just healthier. Stayed focused. Not overconsumed but every mindful. I haven't had a soda in over a month. I have been feeling much better. So much so that the mindfullness I had employed to keep me on track started to wane. And so my decisions followed. One night I grabbed Lane's chicken fingers for dinner. One day I ate two candy bars. One day pizza for lunch and Casa Ole for dinner, with tea at both meals. STOP.
The fact that I have not had any soda made me feel protected. But that is just one choice that keeps me healthy. I so easily go back to bad habits nurtured over years when I take my eyes off the prize. I'm glad I caught it before I was in El Paso on my way to Florida.
I have many changes I want to make. I can't make them all at once. I have tried that and it doesn't work. All or nothing. My plan for years. My plan that failed. But to begin to work on something new, I have to first ingrain new habits into my psyche so that they are automatic. Only then can I turn my focus and attention to conquering another nasty habit.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Day 70 - Worry
The best peice of advice I came across during my observations to be a teacher was from Pebble Creek Elementary. The bathroom of PBE. On the wall in the bathroom at PBE.
A poster that said "Worry won't change tomorrow, but it sure will ruin today." Some days I live that motto. Others I don't.
God does not desire for us to worry. It's a sign that we do not trust Him. He has made this abundantly clear in scripture. He also desires for us to rejoice in the day and worry ruins all chance of that.
For people with trust issues, worries is a staple. But people with trust issues can change. God can change people with trust issues and worry issues and all other kinds of issues.
Sometimes worry is actually the feeling of inadequacy or the desire to delay a consequence of our own choices. We just don't want to face the music we made. This is worry of our own devices. We create this worry.
But worrying about things out of our control makes no sense. I think I'll give it up.
A poster that said "Worry won't change tomorrow, but it sure will ruin today." Some days I live that motto. Others I don't.
God does not desire for us to worry. It's a sign that we do not trust Him. He has made this abundantly clear in scripture. He also desires for us to rejoice in the day and worry ruins all chance of that.
For people with trust issues, worries is a staple. But people with trust issues can change. God can change people with trust issues and worry issues and all other kinds of issues.
Sometimes worry is actually the feeling of inadequacy or the desire to delay a consequence of our own choices. We just don't want to face the music we made. This is worry of our own devices. We create this worry.
But worrying about things out of our control makes no sense. I think I'll give it up.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Day 69 - Walking the Dogs in the Super Cold
It's 28 degrees outside and the wind chill makes it feel like 19 and I took the dogs for a long walk at the park. Kellie said I was dedicated and Charlene said I was crazy.
The truth is I had a hot flash last night and its effects have lingered. The coldest day of the year and I am all warm and fuzzy inside and out.
Isn't God amazing? He's always turning lemons into lemonaid.
Now its time to share the warmth with Bob Rico Love Shuttles who is sitting in the recliner covered in blankets and still freezing.
The truth is I had a hot flash last night and its effects have lingered. The coldest day of the year and I am all warm and fuzzy inside and out.
Isn't God amazing? He's always turning lemons into lemonaid.
Now its time to share the warmth with Bob Rico Love Shuttles who is sitting in the recliner covered in blankets and still freezing.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
68 - Alone
As long as I can remember. All of my memories. All of my life. Surrounded by people that love me and people that I love. I have felt alone.
Maybe everybody feels that way.
I have dreams where I live alone and know no one. Not to any depth that would constitute a relationship. Just hi, how are you doing kind of knowing. Sometimes I feel that way and I am fully awake.
My mom says its because I'm different.
It's the reason I have difficulty trusting people.
I have often wondered if I have some rogue type of Aspergers.
It's why I feel so comfortable around weird children. Kindred spirits. Lonely hearts drawn to one another not by words, but by some tacit understanding.
Sometimes alone is what I seek. All that will bring me comfort.
Sometimes it just feels lonely.
Maybe everybody feels that way.
I have dreams where I live alone and know no one. Not to any depth that would constitute a relationship. Just hi, how are you doing kind of knowing. Sometimes I feel that way and I am fully awake.
My mom says its because I'm different.
It's the reason I have difficulty trusting people.
I have often wondered if I have some rogue type of Aspergers.
It's why I feel so comfortable around weird children. Kindred spirits. Lonely hearts drawn to one another not by words, but by some tacit understanding.
Sometimes alone is what I seek. All that will bring me comfort.
Sometimes it just feels lonely.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Day 67 - Planner
For planners, it is hard for life to every just be. Simplicity is a foreign concept.
I used to plan plan plan and of course as life so often does, something wouldn't go quite according to plan. That would kink my happy feeling, my I know I'm safe because I planned so well feeling. Turn that feeling right into irritation and often irritation on a grand scale.
So for a while I quit planning. Very morose. Why plan? My planning makes no difference. Things will just be as they are and I have absolutely no control over what happens. Why disappoint myself by going to all of the trouble of planning just to see it demolished? I think this phase scared people who knew me. Everyone kept asking me if I was depressed. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't flexible. All or nothing. I want to control everything or nothing at all.
Then I vascillated between planning heavy and planning light. You could call this the bi-polar phase. I would plan something out and have it be perfect and then totally not care about the next thing. This is when my house was either spotless or condemnable.
I am now moving into the flexible stage. I know - I will never be totally flexible because I have the control gene. The one my mother gave me. I no longer over do the planning and therefore when a change is necessary, which is often, I don't freak out so much. I have my moments, but lets just say the family isn't considering committment at the moment.
I used to plan plan plan and of course as life so often does, something wouldn't go quite according to plan. That would kink my happy feeling, my I know I'm safe because I planned so well feeling. Turn that feeling right into irritation and often irritation on a grand scale.
So for a while I quit planning. Very morose. Why plan? My planning makes no difference. Things will just be as they are and I have absolutely no control over what happens. Why disappoint myself by going to all of the trouble of planning just to see it demolished? I think this phase scared people who knew me. Everyone kept asking me if I was depressed. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't flexible. All or nothing. I want to control everything or nothing at all.
Then I vascillated between planning heavy and planning light. You could call this the bi-polar phase. I would plan something out and have it be perfect and then totally not care about the next thing. This is when my house was either spotless or condemnable.
I am now moving into the flexible stage. I know - I will never be totally flexible because I have the control gene. The one my mother gave me. I no longer over do the planning and therefore when a change is necessary, which is often, I don't freak out so much. I have my moments, but lets just say the family isn't considering committment at the moment.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Day 66 - Beautiful
When we look, really look, not just look for what we want to see, but what is really there, life is beautiful. It is always beautiful even when we do not see it. When we see hurt and ugly and disappointed, life is beautiful. We have just turned our heads toward that and not the beauty.
There are days like today where the beauty shines through. Thank you Lord. There are days when we have to remember or be reminded that the beauty is there. That's where we can help each other. Be the compass for our people when all they can see is South. There are days when we don't want to see the beauty because we would rather complain and remind everyone how ugly life is.
Beautiful. My family. My friends. My job. My life.
There are days like today where the beauty shines through. Thank you Lord. There are days when we have to remember or be reminded that the beauty is there. That's where we can help each other. Be the compass for our people when all they can see is South. There are days when we don't want to see the beauty because we would rather complain and remind everyone how ugly life is.
Beautiful. My family. My friends. My job. My life.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Day 65 - Update
Two months into this adventure and I thought I would reflect on what has been working and what I am still working towards.
The main thing is that I have given up soda. How does this contribute to a simpler life? Well for one thing, I feel much better. It could be that the feeling good comes from 2 weeks off work and plenty of rest, but I really think I feel better. I'm eating healthier overall. Also, now that I don't have something to overcome stress (drinking a coke and eating some junk) I am dealing with things and having to accept some things that I can't control. A more realistic way of dealing with stress. But the main way it has changed me is breaking a major habit. Knowing that I can do this was a major turning point for me.
I am not walking consistently although during the break I got quite a bit of activity in. Walking the dogs, hiking, bike riding, etc. I had hoped to walk today but I have yet to do that. I know that this will be hard for me but soon, when the weather is more cooperative I will make it a priority. I will seize the moment to change, just like I did with soda.
I am being kinder, thinking kinder thoughts, refraining from complaining about others. Mainly because I have been home with Bob. With some people it is hard to have a conversation and keep it positive. I have to really guard against this. Prepare ahead of time.
I am not reading my Bible. This makes no sense to me. I love to read my Bible. Still don't understand where this rebellion comes from.
I probably look the same on the outside, but I am feeling much different on the inside. Much more serious at the moment, but I know that things will lighten up at some point. My mind has times of rapid and constant activity but I am also finding times where I am able to calm it and maybe not relax, but be more relaxed.
One added benefit of this semester is that I have a student teacher. I think she is going to be great. I have missed having an assistant this year in many ways. Having someone in the room, working alongside me will be nice. Not so lonely. I am also looking forward to the infusion of new ideas and the accountability that having someone in your room everyday brings.
300 days to go. This journey has not exactly taken the path I thought it would. I am excited that I have taken it so seriously. I have quit so many other efforts and even though I have set-backs, quitting has never crossed my mind.
I am not just focused on the beginning or the end, but rather the process. I can't wait to see what happens next.
The main thing is that I have given up soda. How does this contribute to a simpler life? Well for one thing, I feel much better. It could be that the feeling good comes from 2 weeks off work and plenty of rest, but I really think I feel better. I'm eating healthier overall. Also, now that I don't have something to overcome stress (drinking a coke and eating some junk) I am dealing with things and having to accept some things that I can't control. A more realistic way of dealing with stress. But the main way it has changed me is breaking a major habit. Knowing that I can do this was a major turning point for me.
I am not walking consistently although during the break I got quite a bit of activity in. Walking the dogs, hiking, bike riding, etc. I had hoped to walk today but I have yet to do that. I know that this will be hard for me but soon, when the weather is more cooperative I will make it a priority. I will seize the moment to change, just like I did with soda.
I am being kinder, thinking kinder thoughts, refraining from complaining about others. Mainly because I have been home with Bob. With some people it is hard to have a conversation and keep it positive. I have to really guard against this. Prepare ahead of time.
I am not reading my Bible. This makes no sense to me. I love to read my Bible. Still don't understand where this rebellion comes from.
I probably look the same on the outside, but I am feeling much different on the inside. Much more serious at the moment, but I know that things will lighten up at some point. My mind has times of rapid and constant activity but I am also finding times where I am able to calm it and maybe not relax, but be more relaxed.
One added benefit of this semester is that I have a student teacher. I think she is going to be great. I have missed having an assistant this year in many ways. Having someone in the room, working alongside me will be nice. Not so lonely. I am also looking forward to the infusion of new ideas and the accountability that having someone in your room everyday brings.
300 days to go. This journey has not exactly taken the path I thought it would. I am excited that I have taken it so seriously. I have quit so many other efforts and even though I have set-backs, quitting has never crossed my mind.
I am not just focused on the beginning or the end, but rather the process. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Day 64 - Winter
It looks like winter. The trees are bare. The flowers are in hiding. The clouds are low and gloomy.
It feels like winter. No matter how high the thermostat or how many coats of clothing, the air touches skin and you feel it in your bones.
I have been hibernating. Crawling into bed early to warm up. Getting up late because it is dark and the sun does not beckon.
My blood feels like molasses. Slow in my actions and thinking. But the world is slow with me.
Tomorrow school resumes and it will still look and feel like winter. I hope I can get moving.
It feels like winter. No matter how high the thermostat or how many coats of clothing, the air touches skin and you feel it in your bones.
I have been hibernating. Crawling into bed early to warm up. Getting up late because it is dark and the sun does not beckon.
My blood feels like molasses. Slow in my actions and thinking. But the world is slow with me.
Tomorrow school resumes and it will still look and feel like winter. I hope I can get moving.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 63 - 13 Years
Bob and I were reminiscing about a New Year's Eve party we went to 13 years ago when we lived in Del Rio. One of those years when we actually stayed up past midnight. It seemed like such a short time ago, but so much has happened.
Bob's dad died
We moved to Bryan (actually to CS where we lived with Bob's mom for 8 months until we found a house)
Alex became our son and changed our life in the biggest way
Our dogs Otis and Amos lived out their lives and Radar and Daisy became a part of the family
We were foster parents and loved on 7 kids that really needed it
I went to grad school but did not graduate
Bob worked in College Station, then Austin for 4 years and back to Bryan
I changed careers and became a teacher
I joined and left 2 churches
I gained 30 pounds. Bob did too.
I used to be Type A and now I'm type a + 4 parts slob.
The internet and cell phones happened.
Reality TV
AJ
New neighbors
I lost touch with people that were once very important to me. I met many new people and some of them have become really good friends.
It all makes you wonder what the next 13 years will bring. I will be 57, Bob 62, Alex 25. Radar and Daisy will be gone and likely more than one of our parents.
It's just a reminder that life changes and we can't predict or control all of those changes. When it is hard, we think it will last forever, it won't. When it is great we hope it will last forever, it won't. We are just a speck in time. God tells us this. We think we are so much more.
I love the vastness of life. Of living. I hope this year I do not minimize that experience by sitting on the sidelines and just watching it go by. I hope I live big.
Bob's dad died
We moved to Bryan (actually to CS where we lived with Bob's mom for 8 months until we found a house)
Alex became our son and changed our life in the biggest way
Our dogs Otis and Amos lived out their lives and Radar and Daisy became a part of the family
We were foster parents and loved on 7 kids that really needed it
I went to grad school but did not graduate
Bob worked in College Station, then Austin for 4 years and back to Bryan
I changed careers and became a teacher
I joined and left 2 churches
I gained 30 pounds. Bob did too.
I used to be Type A and now I'm type a + 4 parts slob.
The internet and cell phones happened.
Reality TV
AJ
New neighbors
I lost touch with people that were once very important to me. I met many new people and some of them have become really good friends.
It all makes you wonder what the next 13 years will bring. I will be 57, Bob 62, Alex 25. Radar and Daisy will be gone and likely more than one of our parents.
It's just a reminder that life changes and we can't predict or control all of those changes. When it is hard, we think it will last forever, it won't. When it is great we hope it will last forever, it won't. We are just a speck in time. God tells us this. We think we are so much more.
I love the vastness of life. Of living. I hope this year I do not minimize that experience by sitting on the sidelines and just watching it go by. I hope I live big.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Day 62 - Happy New Year
Beautiful New Year's Day. Sun is shining. Illumination. Son is shining. Illumination.
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