It's not much, but its something to me.
I'm drinking less soda.
I've made a few healthy meals.
I'm getting more done at work and at home.
The whole family went for a walk tonight.
The lasagna garden is coming along.
I'm not feeling so stressed out.
I'm not so angry.
I'm not buying as much stuff.
I'm enjoying things more.
I'm thankful.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Day 28 - Maternal Roots Part I
I am named after both of my grandmothers. Alberta Eugenia Schulke Rogers and Hazel Marie Lee Mayo. This always made me feel special - connected.
My mother's mother was born to German immigrants. German was their primary language. My mother tells stories about dinner time at her grandparents house. The men ate first and visited as long as they cared to. When they were finished the children ate and finally the women. This helps explain my grandparents marriage and my mom's and perhaps mine.
Mama as we called her, grew up in a family with some means (land) and after high school she went away to attend nursing school. She was engaged to a service man, but when he returned he had a wife and it wasn't her. She eventually had to drop out of school to take care of her ailing father. Although she didn't bemoan this, it was clear that education was very important to her.
She married my Papa when she was 24 (practically an old maid in those days.) They didn't tell her parents that they were married at first. I believe she continued to live at home until they worked up the nerve to divulge their secret. She was probably pregnant by that point.
My Papa was probably not the man they wished for her to marry. He was uneducated. As child #4 out of 19 he dropped out of school by 3rd grade to help support the family. He couldn't read, but he knew how to work. He was also divorced. I don't know the circumstances but he walked out on his first wife when she was pregnant with their fourth child. No matter how bad it was, it's hard to spin a story to account for that. He went to Colorado to search for gold. He didn't find it. When he came back, he met my grandmother.
Together they had 6 children and my mother was the second of those. They lived on 36 acres of land provided by my Mama's parents. They had food and shelter and lots of love, but there was little money for anything else. They were poor and the ache of that has only left my mother in recent years. My mother grew up working in cotton fields in the summer. As the oldest girl, she bore a great deal of the responsibility of caring for the younger children. When my Aunt Rita was born, my mother was 5, but that baby was her responsibility. To this day my mother is both sister and mother to Rita.
There were two women in my mother's life that had a great impact on her. The first was the school librarian who made sure she had books to read, even in the summer. Reading was my mother's escape. She loved her family, but life was hard and that produced many battles between her parents. Books took her away. My mother instilled that love of books in both my sister and I. The second influential person was a woman who picked my mom up every Sunday and took her to church. It would be years before she became a Christian, but this woman planted the seed.
What I remember most about my Mama was that she was always struggling to breathe and she could cook. I got my asthma from her. There was always a big garden out in the fields and that's where most of the vegetable for meals came from. They also had a milk cow and animals that were slaughtered for meat. In later years Mama bought chicken from the store but she was no stranger to grabbing a chicken from the yard, wringing and chopping off its neck, taking off the feathers and frying it up for dinner. Mama always seemed kind of sad to me. Maybe she was worn out. She died when she was 61 years old from Congestive Heart Failure.
My Papa worked his fields and others when he needed too. I remember him with a chew in his mouth and dominoes or cards in his hand and a beer never far away. He was a people person and what he lacked in education and sophistication, he made up for in personality. He was a survivor. He always seemed to be happy. He didn't have to worry. Mama did enough of that for both of them.
These are my people. And their strengths and weaknesses are woven into my own. I loved them and remember them often, sometimes with joy and sometimes with pain.
My mother's mother was born to German immigrants. German was their primary language. My mother tells stories about dinner time at her grandparents house. The men ate first and visited as long as they cared to. When they were finished the children ate and finally the women. This helps explain my grandparents marriage and my mom's and perhaps mine.
Mama as we called her, grew up in a family with some means (land) and after high school she went away to attend nursing school. She was engaged to a service man, but when he returned he had a wife and it wasn't her. She eventually had to drop out of school to take care of her ailing father. Although she didn't bemoan this, it was clear that education was very important to her.
She married my Papa when she was 24 (practically an old maid in those days.) They didn't tell her parents that they were married at first. I believe she continued to live at home until they worked up the nerve to divulge their secret. She was probably pregnant by that point.
My Papa was probably not the man they wished for her to marry. He was uneducated. As child #4 out of 19 he dropped out of school by 3rd grade to help support the family. He couldn't read, but he knew how to work. He was also divorced. I don't know the circumstances but he walked out on his first wife when she was pregnant with their fourth child. No matter how bad it was, it's hard to spin a story to account for that. He went to Colorado to search for gold. He didn't find it. When he came back, he met my grandmother.
Together they had 6 children and my mother was the second of those. They lived on 36 acres of land provided by my Mama's parents. They had food and shelter and lots of love, but there was little money for anything else. They were poor and the ache of that has only left my mother in recent years. My mother grew up working in cotton fields in the summer. As the oldest girl, she bore a great deal of the responsibility of caring for the younger children. When my Aunt Rita was born, my mother was 5, but that baby was her responsibility. To this day my mother is both sister and mother to Rita.
There were two women in my mother's life that had a great impact on her. The first was the school librarian who made sure she had books to read, even in the summer. Reading was my mother's escape. She loved her family, but life was hard and that produced many battles between her parents. Books took her away. My mother instilled that love of books in both my sister and I. The second influential person was a woman who picked my mom up every Sunday and took her to church. It would be years before she became a Christian, but this woman planted the seed.
What I remember most about my Mama was that she was always struggling to breathe and she could cook. I got my asthma from her. There was always a big garden out in the fields and that's where most of the vegetable for meals came from. They also had a milk cow and animals that were slaughtered for meat. In later years Mama bought chicken from the store but she was no stranger to grabbing a chicken from the yard, wringing and chopping off its neck, taking off the feathers and frying it up for dinner. Mama always seemed kind of sad to me. Maybe she was worn out. She died when she was 61 years old from Congestive Heart Failure.
My Papa worked his fields and others when he needed too. I remember him with a chew in his mouth and dominoes or cards in his hand and a beer never far away. He was a people person and what he lacked in education and sophistication, he made up for in personality. He was a survivor. He always seemed to be happy. He didn't have to worry. Mama did enough of that for both of them.
These are my people. And their strengths and weaknesses are woven into my own. I loved them and remember them often, sometimes with joy and sometimes with pain.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Day 27 - I can't get no...
Overall, I have had a very happy life. A blessed life. I just have a hard time being satisfied. I'm always looking for more. Not necessarily more stuff just more satisfaction. I am always analyzing how things went down and how I could have done better.
It's a contradiction. I can be pleased with how things turn out and at the same time disatisfied with the imperfections that limit me. I know that God does not expect perfection. That's why he sent His son. He forgives much easier than I do.
People that I work with always think I am calm and patient and level-headed. I guess I am these things. I also have a whole internal city of emotions and thoughts that are not always in concert with my exterior. Another contradiction.
I am complicated. A complicated person desiring more simplicity and yet courting more complications all of the time. Another contradiction.
It's a contradiction. I can be pleased with how things turn out and at the same time disatisfied with the imperfections that limit me. I know that God does not expect perfection. That's why he sent His son. He forgives much easier than I do.
People that I work with always think I am calm and patient and level-headed. I guess I am these things. I also have a whole internal city of emotions and thoughts that are not always in concert with my exterior. Another contradiction.
I am complicated. A complicated person desiring more simplicity and yet courting more complications all of the time. Another contradiction.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Day 26 - Shopping
I shopped for about 5 hours today. Don't have a heart attack, it wasn't 5 hours straight. I shopped for a while, then came home for a while and then back out.
I employed my Dad's shopping strategy - go and just look and if something strikes you as being right for someone, buy it. Of course, some years you would get many gifts from my Dad and some you would get none. I found about 75 things for Bridget (kindred spirit so they were really things I wanted) but I refrained from buying them. My son might not understand why Bridget got 75 gifts and he got none.
Usually I spend several weeks making a list of people and the perfect gift for each one. Then I go out and try to find that perfect gift I imagined. This can be a painstaking operation. Dad's way is much simpler. Less stressful. More fun.
I didn't go to any of the chain stores besides Barnes & Noble (which is really more like my second home than a store.) I hit local stores and they were busy but not crowded. I always feel better knowing I helped a local merchant.
I have about 75% of my shopping complete - in just 5 hours. Christmas is already looking up.
I employed my Dad's shopping strategy - go and just look and if something strikes you as being right for someone, buy it. Of course, some years you would get many gifts from my Dad and some you would get none. I found about 75 things for Bridget (kindred spirit so they were really things I wanted) but I refrained from buying them. My son might not understand why Bridget got 75 gifts and he got none.
Usually I spend several weeks making a list of people and the perfect gift for each one. Then I go out and try to find that perfect gift I imagined. This can be a painstaking operation. Dad's way is much simpler. Less stressful. More fun.
I didn't go to any of the chain stores besides Barnes & Noble (which is really more like my second home than a store.) I hit local stores and they were busy but not crowded. I always feel better knowing I helped a local merchant.
I have about 75% of my shopping complete - in just 5 hours. Christmas is already looking up.
Day 26 - Other Goals
Five Things I've Wanted to Do for a While:
1. Write a book (I have purchased 2 different versions of Writer's Market over the years. I've had ideas bottled up for years and now all of a sudden they are starting to flow out of me. Thanks Kellie)
2. Work in an orphanage in Mexico (this is a retirement goal)
3. Learn to speak Spanish fluently (with a little bit of a Texas drawl)
4. Travel one summer with the sole purpose of eating wonderful food all along the way (there's a place in Ben Loman, CA that I have to go back to)
5. Become a vegetarian (probably after the summer of eating)
1. Write a book (I have purchased 2 different versions of Writer's Market over the years. I've had ideas bottled up for years and now all of a sudden they are starting to flow out of me. Thanks Kellie)
2. Work in an orphanage in Mexico (this is a retirement goal)
3. Learn to speak Spanish fluently (with a little bit of a Texas drawl)
4. Travel one summer with the sole purpose of eating wonderful food all along the way (there's a place in Ben Loman, CA that I have to go back to)
5. Become a vegetarian (probably after the summer of eating)
Day 26 - Persistence
Last Thursday I once again listed the goals from day 1 and no I still have not met them. I am not discouraged. Discouraged would be me ignoring that I had those goals, changing goals, changing the subject, listing all the reasons why I cannot meet those goals.
I will meet these goals because I am determined to. Persistence. It's required if you want to change. I tell my students that the road to success is paved with faillure. Mistakes are learning opportunities and when we are afraid to make a mistake, we become stagnant and limit our ability to grow. Then why do I quit so easily?
Not this time. I may accomplish these goals this week or it may take me many weeks, but I will reach them.
I will meet these goals because I am determined to. Persistence. It's required if you want to change. I tell my students that the road to success is paved with faillure. Mistakes are learning opportunities and when we are afraid to make a mistake, we become stagnant and limit our ability to grow. Then why do I quit so easily?
Not this time. I may accomplish these goals this week or it may take me many weeks, but I will reach them.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Day 25 - Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving. I spent all day today being thankful. When the motor home wouldn't start, I was thankful that we had another vehicle to take to Mom's. When the oven accidentally got turned off I was thankful that we had electricity and could turn it back on. When I started missing Alex, I was thankful that he will come home on Sunday. Spending a day being thankful is a happy day.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Day 24 - Cleaning out the Closet
My blog - 365 days to a simpler life. I have started numerous journals for this very purpose. I always fizzle out. That's why I now have a blog. It's out there for everyone to see. Something I feel accountable to. I can't simply rip out the pages and burn them when my attempts at improvement fail.
January 2004
Goals I am working on (not really resolutions)
1. Be healthy - eat right and exercise
2. Spend wisely or save wisely
3. Complete my MS by August 2004
4. Finish house projects by June 2004
5. Get a job - March or after - maybe wait until goals 3&4 are accomplished
April 2005
I have been living in two categories: 1) trying to be perfect, 2) not trying at all
November 2005
I choose
1. A personal relationship with God
2. Consuming nourishing and delicious foods
3. Telling the absolute truth
4. Treating every person I come in contact with, with respect
5. Honoring my committments
6. Finishing what I start
7. Learning new things and developing new skills
October 2007
I am beginning to realize that I have worked myself into a place that is barren and not condusive to life. Not the life God wants for me or one I want for myself. I am physically unfit. I have become the weakly sick person I hoped to never become. More and more medicine and it doesn't work. Can I will myself to be healthy? Will God make me healthy or is this physical frailty a sign that my life is not right - that I need to look at what God expects and not the world - simplify. Can I simplify? Can I develop the discipline to have a healthier life? Do I want it bad enough or is this the beginning of a weak life - counting time. Lord, please help me.
January 2008
Philosphically I am convinced that self-denial (discipline) is necessary for true happiness. It seems like the opposite would be true - give yourself only what you want and only what you want and you will be satisfied. But, there is NO satisfaction or sense of accomplishment in doing only those things that require no effort.
And while I hold this belief, I do not live it. I do not deny my physical appetites for food, sleep and rest. I buy things I do not need and sometimes, even things I do not really want. I choose leisure over productivity and bemoan the consequences of my own decisions. I live in the frustration of desiring results that require an effort I am not willing to put forth.
My journal entries are all either full of hope for change or full of despair. All or none. So me. My friend says that she journals when the emotion of her life overflows and cannot be contained within the confines of herself. She stops when life returns to a manageable level. Maybe this is what I have done.
So, to be on day 24 is quite an accomplishment for me. It's MUCH messier than I thought it would be. I wanted for people to see me steadily moving toward my idea of what life should be like. Instead I keep finding that I have a lot of junk to clean out before I get to that point.
January 2004
Goals I am working on (not really resolutions)
1. Be healthy - eat right and exercise
2. Spend wisely or save wisely
3. Complete my MS by August 2004
4. Finish house projects by June 2004
5. Get a job - March or after - maybe wait until goals 3&4 are accomplished
April 2005
I have been living in two categories: 1) trying to be perfect, 2) not trying at all
November 2005
I choose
1. A personal relationship with God
2. Consuming nourishing and delicious foods
3. Telling the absolute truth
4. Treating every person I come in contact with, with respect
5. Honoring my committments
6. Finishing what I start
7. Learning new things and developing new skills
October 2007
I am beginning to realize that I have worked myself into a place that is barren and not condusive to life. Not the life God wants for me or one I want for myself. I am physically unfit. I have become the weakly sick person I hoped to never become. More and more medicine and it doesn't work. Can I will myself to be healthy? Will God make me healthy or is this physical frailty a sign that my life is not right - that I need to look at what God expects and not the world - simplify. Can I simplify? Can I develop the discipline to have a healthier life? Do I want it bad enough or is this the beginning of a weak life - counting time. Lord, please help me.
January 2008
Philosphically I am convinced that self-denial (discipline) is necessary for true happiness. It seems like the opposite would be true - give yourself only what you want and only what you want and you will be satisfied. But, there is NO satisfaction or sense of accomplishment in doing only those things that require no effort.
And while I hold this belief, I do not live it. I do not deny my physical appetites for food, sleep and rest. I buy things I do not need and sometimes, even things I do not really want. I choose leisure over productivity and bemoan the consequences of my own decisions. I live in the frustration of desiring results that require an effort I am not willing to put forth.
My journal entries are all either full of hope for change or full of despair. All or none. So me. My friend says that she journals when the emotion of her life overflows and cannot be contained within the confines of herself. She stops when life returns to a manageable level. Maybe this is what I have done.
So, to be on day 24 is quite an accomplishment for me. It's MUCH messier than I thought it would be. I wanted for people to see me steadily moving toward my idea of what life should be like. Instead I keep finding that I have a lot of junk to clean out before I get to that point.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Day 23 - Excuses
Excuses sabatoge dreams. They are the little devil sitting on your left shoulder telling you you can't do it. It's too hard. I don't have enough energy. I deserve some me time. I don't feel good. I didn't sleep well. I had a hard day at work. Tomorrow.
It's amazing how when I hear someone else give an excuse I easily recognize it for what it is. When I have an excuse it just seems more - real.
I wonder if I quit making excuses if my life would be simpler. I wonder if I would get healthier and be more productive. I wonder if I would feel less guilt. I wonder if some of the dreams I have been dreaming would come true.
It's amazing how when I hear someone else give an excuse I easily recognize it for what it is. When I have an excuse it just seems more - real.
I wonder if I quit making excuses if my life would be simpler. I wonder if I would get healthier and be more productive. I wonder if I would feel less guilt. I wonder if some of the dreams I have been dreaming would come true.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Day 22 - What I Want
Many years ago at Christmas time I asked my neices to make a list and send it to me. Adrienne's list had about 10 items on it of typical teenage stuff. Amy's list was about 4 pages long and contained over 100 items with detail about each one. I beleive one of the items was a puppy. How exactly did she plan for me to mail that? But, April had one thing on her list - she wanted Bob and I to come to California to spend Christmas with her.
After that my list started changing. I started wanting fewer things and more meaning. My desire at Christmas changed from what I would get to what I would give. To this day I cannot think about Christmas presents without remembering the heart of a girl and the profound affect that her simple request had on me. I cannot make a Christmas list. Ask my mom, I think it drives her crazy.
When I start to think of what I will get someone it is very personal and often unusual. One year we made all of our Christmas gifts. It was supposed to return us to the simplicity of giving. For me it was a nightmare because lets face it, I am NOT crafty. I spent 4 days and $60 making tie-dyed sheets that I could have spent 30 minutes and $30 to buy. Last year I gave experiences. I loved doing that and the best part was the spending time together.
This year I have been dreading Christmas. Another obligation. More things to add to the to do list. And then I started to remember how my dad would take my brother and I shopping on December 23. We would get up early and head out of town. It was exciting. The shelves would be empty and we would have to dig through stuff and find gifts for people on our list. The joy in finding the perfect gift among all of the chaos. Then home to wrap up our great finds.
If I wasn't trying so hard to be honest I would say something profound here about the real purpose of Christmas. I know that Christmas is about Christ and the gift that God gave the world. I know this but I do not always feel this. Sometimes Christmas feels like an excuse to overconsume. Sometimes it feels empty. Sometimes it feels forced.
What I want this year is for Christmas to be Christmas. A season of focusing on what people mean to me and not what the perfect gift will be. A season for me to focus on the real gifts that we give others - time, patience, forgiveness, love, respect. I'm sure I will do some gift buying. I just hope that I find time to relax and enjoy this special time of year.
After that my list started changing. I started wanting fewer things and more meaning. My desire at Christmas changed from what I would get to what I would give. To this day I cannot think about Christmas presents without remembering the heart of a girl and the profound affect that her simple request had on me. I cannot make a Christmas list. Ask my mom, I think it drives her crazy.
When I start to think of what I will get someone it is very personal and often unusual. One year we made all of our Christmas gifts. It was supposed to return us to the simplicity of giving. For me it was a nightmare because lets face it, I am NOT crafty. I spent 4 days and $60 making tie-dyed sheets that I could have spent 30 minutes and $30 to buy. Last year I gave experiences. I loved doing that and the best part was the spending time together.
This year I have been dreading Christmas. Another obligation. More things to add to the to do list. And then I started to remember how my dad would take my brother and I shopping on December 23. We would get up early and head out of town. It was exciting. The shelves would be empty and we would have to dig through stuff and find gifts for people on our list. The joy in finding the perfect gift among all of the chaos. Then home to wrap up our great finds.
If I wasn't trying so hard to be honest I would say something profound here about the real purpose of Christmas. I know that Christmas is about Christ and the gift that God gave the world. I know this but I do not always feel this. Sometimes Christmas feels like an excuse to overconsume. Sometimes it feels empty. Sometimes it feels forced.
What I want this year is for Christmas to be Christmas. A season of focusing on what people mean to me and not what the perfect gift will be. A season for me to focus on the real gifts that we give others - time, patience, forgiveness, love, respect. I'm sure I will do some gift buying. I just hope that I find time to relax and enjoy this special time of year.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Day 21 - Clarification
In the title line of my blog I ask for you to follow along for a year as I journey towards simplifying my life. Problem. I have been confusing simplification with a simple life.
I can't have a simple life. Let me restate. I can't have a simple life and live the life I believe God has called me to. I can't live a simple life and raise my son and someone else's son at the same time. I can't live a simple life and work at a school where there are more spiritual, physical and educational needs than are imaginable. I can't live a simple life and make a difference in the life of others.
A simple life requires selfishness. I am selfish. I am also unselfish. I want to be more unselfish, not more selfish.
So goodbye simple life. You are not for me. My conscience would not be satisfied. I have seen the dark side of life and I can't walk away from trying to make things better.
That being said I do believe that I can simplify my complicated life. I can do things that better prepare me to live a complicated life. I can make changes that give me more energy. I can systemize. I can ask for help. I can learn to trust God more and worry less.
I can't have a simple life. Let me restate. I can't have a simple life and live the life I believe God has called me to. I can't live a simple life and raise my son and someone else's son at the same time. I can't live a simple life and work at a school where there are more spiritual, physical and educational needs than are imaginable. I can't live a simple life and make a difference in the life of others.
A simple life requires selfishness. I am selfish. I am also unselfish. I want to be more unselfish, not more selfish.
So goodbye simple life. You are not for me. My conscience would not be satisfied. I have seen the dark side of life and I can't walk away from trying to make things better.
That being said I do believe that I can simplify my complicated life. I can do things that better prepare me to live a complicated life. I can make changes that give me more energy. I can systemize. I can ask for help. I can learn to trust God more and worry less.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Day 20 - Later
I was very excited to post today. It's Saturday and I wanted to write a long and thorough post about composting and my roots. About my grandparents and what I learned from them and how I yearn to return to some of that. But, I am tired and so that post will have to wait for another day when I can do it justice.
Today my son turned 12. So fast. Just like that he is 12. I cooked dinner and he is having a sleepover. There won't be many more of these. I asked him if I slept all day could we pretend that he is still 11. He wishes he was a teenager. I wish he was 6 again.
So Alex, my hope for you for year 12 is that you know how much I love you. That when I make you do your homework you know it is because I love you. When I give you consequences, I love you. When I hold you accountable, I love you. When we get silly and make each other laugh uncontrolably, I love you. When I worry about you, I love you. When I check up on you, I love you. When I tuck you in at night (please don't let this stop), I love you. When I let 3 of your wild and crazy friends over to celebrate your day, I love you.
Today my son turned 12. So fast. Just like that he is 12. I cooked dinner and he is having a sleepover. There won't be many more of these. I asked him if I slept all day could we pretend that he is still 11. He wishes he was a teenager. I wish he was 6 again.
So Alex, my hope for you for year 12 is that you know how much I love you. That when I make you do your homework you know it is because I love you. When I give you consequences, I love you. When I hold you accountable, I love you. When we get silly and make each other laugh uncontrolably, I love you. When I worry about you, I love you. When I check up on you, I love you. When I tuck you in at night (please don't let this stop), I love you. When I let 3 of your wild and crazy friends over to celebrate your day, I love you.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Day 19 - Quiet
It's raining. It's Friday night. I have walked the dogs, Alex is with his mom and Bob is asleep. It's quiet.
Sometimes, when it is too quiet, it feels lonely or boring.
But, sometimes, when you are satisfied with your day and tired enough that thoughts are not racing through your mind, quiet is perfect.
Thank you Lord for quiet. For moments of repreive. For rest.
Sometimes, when it is too quiet, it feels lonely or boring.
But, sometimes, when you are satisfied with your day and tired enough that thoughts are not racing through your mind, quiet is perfect.
Thank you Lord for quiet. For moments of repreive. For rest.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Day 18 - Time to Change
Okay. I have admitted my need to simplify my life (about 10 years ago.) I started a blog to talk about it (about 2 weeks ago.) My support system is in place. I have a goal.
Now it's time to actually start changing. I've been talking about it for years. I can talk forever about just about anything. This is a topic that I have spent a good deal of time researching, thinking about and talking about. I could talk beyond forever about it.
The time has come to actually change. Ouch. I just felt the bandaid rip off and it took a bunch of hair with it.
This is not going to be easy. It will involve some discipline to break bad habits. It will take some suffering to give up things I have become accustomed to (soda) and replace with things that are better for me. This will take a committment, not just words.
So, I revisit the list from week 1.
1. Go one day without soda.
2. Walk 5 miles over the week.
3. Speak only kind words for 1 full day.
4. Read my Bible every day.
Here's the kicker. I need to do these things with a willing heart for change. Not just so I can check them off my list.
Please pray for me.
Now it's time to actually start changing. I've been talking about it for years. I can talk forever about just about anything. This is a topic that I have spent a good deal of time researching, thinking about and talking about. I could talk beyond forever about it.
The time has come to actually change. Ouch. I just felt the bandaid rip off and it took a bunch of hair with it.
This is not going to be easy. It will involve some discipline to break bad habits. It will take some suffering to give up things I have become accustomed to (soda) and replace with things that are better for me. This will take a committment, not just words.
So, I revisit the list from week 1.
1. Go one day without soda.
2. Walk 5 miles over the week.
3. Speak only kind words for 1 full day.
4. Read my Bible every day.
Here's the kicker. I need to do these things with a willing heart for change. Not just so I can check them off my list.
Please pray for me.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Day 17 - Organization
I have always had an organized mind. Logically I would only put something in one of five places so it it difficult for me to lose something. I used to be an organized person, but something has happened.
Is it hormones? I have read (of course) that as you approach menopause you go crazy and have no memory to speak of. Actually, this sounds a lot like puberty. Oh, poor Bob. He's getting it from two ends of the spectrum. I've always been crazy but I once had a memory. Lack of could definetly be affecting my organization skills.
Is it laziness? Extra pounds, extra years, extra bad habits. Have I lost that work ethic that used to come so natural? Am I slipping into that zone where soon I quit shaving my underarms because it's too much work and not because I want to look the part of the savvy environmentalist? Oh no, I may already be there.
Is it not enough time? Am I too busy doing other things that are more necessary or more fun than staying organized? Like SST, TLT, GLP, STI?
Have I lost my OCD? I used to clean out my drawers every month. My space might be messy but I couldn't stop until the innards were immaculate. I don't worry about that stuff anymore. Actually I do but not to the degree that I used to. I mean all of my shelves at work are coded by subject. And I have reading seperated into phonics, sight word and comprehension resources. And all of my books are leveled before they are put on the shelf. And addition is together, subtraction and so on. And my paper is seperated into card stock, white, colored, construction, etc. But, I do have a big pile of mess on my desk that needs to be organized.
All I know is I have to find a way to change the trajectory of my organizational skills before I become a complete and total slob and never find my way out.
Is it hormones? I have read (of course) that as you approach menopause you go crazy and have no memory to speak of. Actually, this sounds a lot like puberty. Oh, poor Bob. He's getting it from two ends of the spectrum. I've always been crazy but I once had a memory. Lack of could definetly be affecting my organization skills.
Is it laziness? Extra pounds, extra years, extra bad habits. Have I lost that work ethic that used to come so natural? Am I slipping into that zone where soon I quit shaving my underarms because it's too much work and not because I want to look the part of the savvy environmentalist? Oh no, I may already be there.
Is it not enough time? Am I too busy doing other things that are more necessary or more fun than staying organized? Like SST, TLT, GLP, STI?
Have I lost my OCD? I used to clean out my drawers every month. My space might be messy but I couldn't stop until the innards were immaculate. I don't worry about that stuff anymore. Actually I do but not to the degree that I used to. I mean all of my shelves at work are coded by subject. And I have reading seperated into phonics, sight word and comprehension resources. And all of my books are leveled before they are put on the shelf. And addition is together, subtraction and so on. And my paper is seperated into card stock, white, colored, construction, etc. But, I do have a big pile of mess on my desk that needs to be organized.
All I know is I have to find a way to change the trajectory of my organizational skills before I become a complete and total slob and never find my way out.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Day 16 - 44
Every night when I tuck my son into bed I ask him what his favorite part of the day was, least favorite and his hope for tomorrow. So I thought on this day, my 44th birthday I would answer those questions for this past year.
My favorite part of 43 = having many people in my life to love
My least favorite part of 43 = wasting time on things that didn't matter
My hope for 44 = living a more purposeful life and learning to really appreciate my many blessings
P.S. Thanks mom and dad.
My favorite part of 43 = having many people in my life to love
My least favorite part of 43 = wasting time on things that didn't matter
My hope for 44 = living a more purposeful life and learning to really appreciate my many blessings
P.S. Thanks mom and dad.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Day 15 - Thankfulness
I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I went to work and had no responsibilities. I had no students. I did not go to any meetings. No one asked me for my advice. Everybody else was busy and doing this and that and I just walked around the school (the new school) and did nothing.
It was horrible. It was so empty. I hated it.
It reminded me of how much I love all of those things that complicate my life.
I am thankful that I have a job that I love. I can't think of one student that I wouldn't miss if they quit coming to my class. In fact there are many others I wish I had time for. I like digging and searching for that magic that will turn them on to learning and success. I want to be that teacher that they tell their children about. The one who believed in them and loved them and gave them snacks and taught them how to read and love books.
And I love being a part of the solution. Putting my head together with others who have a desire to make our school better. Others who are willing to commit extra time and energy. Others who struggle too with a heavy workload and keep going because its really the only choice. Others who pick up my slack when I am down and whose slack I pick up when they are down. My team. My friends.
My job is not perfect. It never will be. I didn't even want to be a teacher. I felt a calling to be a teacher. I said no to God for 2 years because I didn't want to be a teacher. And finally I said yes. I traded a part-time job that paid very well for teaching. It was crazy. I will never regret it. It is what I am meant to do. Even when it is hard and I am tired it is what I am meant to do.
It was horrible. It was so empty. I hated it.
It reminded me of how much I love all of those things that complicate my life.
I am thankful that I have a job that I love. I can't think of one student that I wouldn't miss if they quit coming to my class. In fact there are many others I wish I had time for. I like digging and searching for that magic that will turn them on to learning and success. I want to be that teacher that they tell their children about. The one who believed in them and loved them and gave them snacks and taught them how to read and love books.
And I love being a part of the solution. Putting my head together with others who have a desire to make our school better. Others who are willing to commit extra time and energy. Others who struggle too with a heavy workload and keep going because its really the only choice. Others who pick up my slack when I am down and whose slack I pick up when they are down. My team. My friends.
My job is not perfect. It never will be. I didn't even want to be a teacher. I felt a calling to be a teacher. I said no to God for 2 years because I didn't want to be a teacher. And finally I said yes. I traded a part-time job that paid very well for teaching. It was crazy. I will never regret it. It is what I am meant to do. Even when it is hard and I am tired it is what I am meant to do.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Day 14 - Ownership
I am an owner. Sometimes I feel like a 2 year old shouting "mine" everytime someone comes near or threatens my territory. Ownership is good when you want to take pride in something, commit to it and do a good job. Ownership is damaging when you can't share or think you are the only one who can do something.
If you asked me what I collect I would say nothing. But what I really collect is responsibility. I collect things to be in charge of. Problems to solve. People to fix. Tasks that I think only I can do well. Ideas.
Control freak? Yes. OCD? Yes. Well intentioned? Yes.
I am not in control of the world. Say that again. I am not in control of the world. I say that God is in control. I act like I am in control.
I see how this drives people both towards and away from me.
All of these years I kept thinking that giving up things like nail polish, only shaving once a week and planting a garden would simplify my life. Now I am beginning to see that I have to let go of some of this control if I want my life to be simple.
If you asked me what I collect I would say nothing. But what I really collect is responsibility. I collect things to be in charge of. Problems to solve. People to fix. Tasks that I think only I can do well. Ideas.
Control freak? Yes. OCD? Yes. Well intentioned? Yes.
I am not in control of the world. Say that again. I am not in control of the world. I say that God is in control. I act like I am in control.
I see how this drives people both towards and away from me.
All of these years I kept thinking that giving up things like nail polish, only shaving once a week and planting a garden would simplify my life. Now I am beginning to see that I have to let go of some of this control if I want my life to be simple.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Day 13 - Caught
These are my jobs at work
1. Teach students from Regular Education and Life Skills in a small group setting (= 9 students)
2. Teach 4th and 5th grade Dyslexia students in a pull-out (=14 students)
3. Add one in who needs an extra dose of TLC and many doses of reading instruction (=1 student)
4. Assess, document, teach, document, assess, document, etc.
5. Develop individualized plans for 9 students that cover their gaps and are TEKS based
5. 23 individual progress reports each 6 weeks
6. Plan individualized lessons for 10 different groups 4 days a week
7. Guide 5 Kindergarten teachers to teaching 80% of their students to read on a .8 level by May
8. Develop a student from Texas A&M as a teacher
9. Evaluate and offer guidance to 5 Kindergarten teachers
10. Work with the leadership team to develop and implement short and long range plans that will produce successful students
11. Attend many meetings and trainings
12. Stay apprised of the SPED and Dyslexia guidelines that change on a yearly basis and communicate these to all staff on campus
13. Serve on SST and problem solve how to help teachers implement interventions that will help struggling students
14. Research the most effective ways to teach
15. Develop a campus improvement plan for PBMAS and educate the staff on the plan
It feels better to put it down. It validates why I feel overwhelmed. The problem is, I don't want to change one of these responsibilities except for the parts involving paperwork. I like writing, but I HATE paperwork.
I like having a job that is varied. I like problem solving. But, I am 43 and not 23 and there is only so much energy.
This year I have become less effective because I have stretched myself too thin. I am not doing things to the level of proficiency that I feel comfortable with. I have to ask for help. I'm not good at asking for help.
It is time I quit running from all of this and start the arduous task of facing it head on.
1. Teach students from Regular Education and Life Skills in a small group setting (= 9 students)
2. Teach 4th and 5th grade Dyslexia students in a pull-out (=14 students)
3. Add one in who needs an extra dose of TLC and many doses of reading instruction (=1 student)
4. Assess, document, teach, document, assess, document, etc.
5. Develop individualized plans for 9 students that cover their gaps and are TEKS based
5. 23 individual progress reports each 6 weeks
6. Plan individualized lessons for 10 different groups 4 days a week
7. Guide 5 Kindergarten teachers to teaching 80% of their students to read on a .8 level by May
8. Develop a student from Texas A&M as a teacher
9. Evaluate and offer guidance to 5 Kindergarten teachers
10. Work with the leadership team to develop and implement short and long range plans that will produce successful students
11. Attend many meetings and trainings
12. Stay apprised of the SPED and Dyslexia guidelines that change on a yearly basis and communicate these to all staff on campus
13. Serve on SST and problem solve how to help teachers implement interventions that will help struggling students
14. Research the most effective ways to teach
15. Develop a campus improvement plan for PBMAS and educate the staff on the plan
It feels better to put it down. It validates why I feel overwhelmed. The problem is, I don't want to change one of these responsibilities except for the parts involving paperwork. I like writing, but I HATE paperwork.
I like having a job that is varied. I like problem solving. But, I am 43 and not 23 and there is only so much energy.
This year I have become less effective because I have stretched myself too thin. I am not doing things to the level of proficiency that I feel comfortable with. I have to ask for help. I'm not good at asking for help.
It is time I quit running from all of this and start the arduous task of facing it head on.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Day 12 - Little Things
I had a good week. Not a perfect week, not a great week, not a rotten week - just a good week. I paid attention to the little things. Simple things. These things made my week better.
One of my students brought me a candied apple and gave me a big hug.
Liz gave me two books to help me in my journey.
My sister forgave me.
Kellie told me she had been praying for something very special for me.
Charlene sent me a text just to check on me.
Grand gestures have their place but the little things we do for the people we love are the ones that have the greatest impact over time. Knowing you matter, matters. I hope that I never lose sight of this. I hope that I am thoughtful enough to do these little things that let others know that they matter to me.
One of my students brought me a candied apple and gave me a big hug.
Liz gave me two books to help me in my journey.
My sister forgave me.
Kellie told me she had been praying for something very special for me.
Charlene sent me a text just to check on me.
Grand gestures have their place but the little things we do for the people we love are the ones that have the greatest impact over time. Knowing you matter, matters. I hope that I never lose sight of this. I hope that I am thoughtful enough to do these little things that let others know that they matter to me.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day 11 - Lies I have told
1. I'm fine
2. I know what you mean
3. That didn't hurt
4. It's no big deal
5. I don't really care
6. No problem
7. I would have done the same thing
8. You shouldn't blame yourself
9. Yes
10. No
11. I'll be glad to do it
12. I know how to do that
13. You made the right choice
14. It's not your fault
15. It doesn't really matter
16. I trust you
17. You can do it
18. I beleive in you
19. I can handle it
I have told all of these lies to people I love, people I don't care for, people I don't know and to myself. Sometimes I have lied and not even known it. Sometime I knew it and refused to accept it. Sometimes it was just an automatic response. Sometimes I wanted you to feel better. Sometime I wanted you to like me better. Sometime I wanted to like myself better.
I have also said these things and meant them. And because I know MY words are sometimes used without integrity I make the assumption that YOUR words also are not always true. And sometimes, when I am in "one of those moods" I begin to doubt everything that is said to me, particularly the good stuff.
One thing I know that I want, one thing that I know will improve the quality of my life, simplify my life, make me healthier is for ALL of my words (spoken and written) to be 100% true, 100% of the time. I know that this is what God desires. It is now what I desire. But, I have desired things and not done them because I am afraid.
I don't want to be afraid. I want to be honest, yet not hurt others. Maybe sometimes I need to be completely honest even if it will hurt because maybe in the long run it will cause less pain than if I let the lie live on. This will be a process. And if I hurt you along the way, please know that my intention is simply to tell the truth.
2. I know what you mean
3. That didn't hurt
4. It's no big deal
5. I don't really care
6. No problem
7. I would have done the same thing
8. You shouldn't blame yourself
9. Yes
10. No
11. I'll be glad to do it
12. I know how to do that
13. You made the right choice
14. It's not your fault
15. It doesn't really matter
16. I trust you
17. You can do it
18. I beleive in you
19. I can handle it
I have told all of these lies to people I love, people I don't care for, people I don't know and to myself. Sometimes I have lied and not even known it. Sometime I knew it and refused to accept it. Sometimes it was just an automatic response. Sometimes I wanted you to feel better. Sometime I wanted you to like me better. Sometime I wanted to like myself better.
I have also said these things and meant them. And because I know MY words are sometimes used without integrity I make the assumption that YOUR words also are not always true. And sometimes, when I am in "one of those moods" I begin to doubt everything that is said to me, particularly the good stuff.
One thing I know that I want, one thing that I know will improve the quality of my life, simplify my life, make me healthier is for ALL of my words (spoken and written) to be 100% true, 100% of the time. I know that this is what God desires. It is now what I desire. But, I have desired things and not done them because I am afraid.
I don't want to be afraid. I want to be honest, yet not hurt others. Maybe sometimes I need to be completely honest even if it will hurt because maybe in the long run it will cause less pain than if I let the lie live on. This will be a process. And if I hurt you along the way, please know that my intention is simply to tell the truth.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Day 10 - I Can't Hear You
If you are reading my blog, please post a comment every once in a blue moon so that I don't totally have that creepy feeling that I am talking to myself.
Thanks!
Thanks!
Day 10 - Simple/Complicated Sort
I am a teacher. I would argue that every person is a teacher. But, my occupation for which I get paid is Teacher. And for the most part, I'm a good teacher. And good teachers ask their students to categorize. What is and what is not? What fits, what does not? And so on.
This is how my brain works. It never stops. It's always trying to take in information and sort it into some logical order. When things do not make sense, my brain wheels keep turning and turning like a radio searching for a station. Sometimes my brain is in West Texas and there are no stations. This drives me crazy. Sometimes my brain is in Los Angeles and there are more stations than one could imagine. And this also drives me crazy.
What I have done this week that has simplified my life:
- rearranged my schedule so that I have 10 groups instead of 13
- stopped feeling guilty when everything isn't just so
- focused on one thing at a time
What I have done this week that complicated my life further:
-nothing
Day 1 Goals I met
-Posted on my blog everyday (although Friday was pretty weak)
Day 1 Goals I did not meet
-Everything else
This is how my brain works. It never stops. It's always trying to take in information and sort it into some logical order. When things do not make sense, my brain wheels keep turning and turning like a radio searching for a station. Sometimes my brain is in West Texas and there are no stations. This drives me crazy. Sometimes my brain is in Los Angeles and there are more stations than one could imagine. And this also drives me crazy.
What I have done this week that has simplified my life:
- rearranged my schedule so that I have 10 groups instead of 13
- stopped feeling guilty when everything isn't just so
- focused on one thing at a time
What I have done this week that complicated my life further:
-nothing
Day 1 Goals I met
-Posted on my blog everyday (although Friday was pretty weak)
Day 1 Goals I did not meet
-Everything else
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Day 9 - Emotional Nudity
I grew up in the 70's and I was always fascinated with nudists. For some reason the idea of feeling comfortable walking around without clothes on seemed very freeing. If I had been raised by other people this might have been my fate. But, I was raised by Pat and Ted so for the most part, the clothes have stayed on.
With emotions, I have never desired to be so open. I am perfectly okay with others who can completely reveal their feelings. In fact, those people are attracted to me. I am willing to listen to your deepest darkest secret and accept and love you anyway. You could hurt me in a terrible way and I could still forgive you and love you.
But somehow I feel so completely vunerable and uncomfortable sharing anything really personal with people. Even people I trust. Even my husband. I don't know if I am afraid that people will think less of me or if I simply do not trust people. Maybe I have a hard time accepting my flaws. Maybe I don't want to let people down. Maybe I beleive that people need me to be strong and stable so that I can support them.
Just writing this is making me anxious. My heart is racing and I have that tingly feeling. Give me something to eat quick. (So that's where those extra 50 pounds came from.) See, what I do? Make a joke when it gets uncomfortable. Change the subject. Let's talk about you and your problems.
I solve other people's problems. I ignore mine. I probably do need therapy.
This is the real reason I only shared this blog address with 4 people when I started it. I wanted it to be read so that I could have a level of accountability to making life change. But, I didn't want people to have access to my me. The real me. Could I be truly honest if I knew everyone was following along? I want to be honest, even if it is painful, and it is.
If I can't be real with the people that love me, my life can't be anything but complicated.
With emotions, I have never desired to be so open. I am perfectly okay with others who can completely reveal their feelings. In fact, those people are attracted to me. I am willing to listen to your deepest darkest secret and accept and love you anyway. You could hurt me in a terrible way and I could still forgive you and love you.
But somehow I feel so completely vunerable and uncomfortable sharing anything really personal with people. Even people I trust. Even my husband. I don't know if I am afraid that people will think less of me or if I simply do not trust people. Maybe I have a hard time accepting my flaws. Maybe I don't want to let people down. Maybe I beleive that people need me to be strong and stable so that I can support them.
Just writing this is making me anxious. My heart is racing and I have that tingly feeling. Give me something to eat quick. (So that's where those extra 50 pounds came from.) See, what I do? Make a joke when it gets uncomfortable. Change the subject. Let's talk about you and your problems.
I solve other people's problems. I ignore mine. I probably do need therapy.
This is the real reason I only shared this blog address with 4 people when I started it. I wanted it to be read so that I could have a level of accountability to making life change. But, I didn't want people to have access to my me. The real me. Could I be truly honest if I knew everyone was following along? I want to be honest, even if it is painful, and it is.
If I can't be real with the people that love me, my life can't be anything but complicated.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Day 8 - Important
Part of the simple living philosophy is to determine what is most important to you and gradually remove things that aren't or those things that interfere with what is important. The belief is that what is truly important to us is squeezed out by things and events. Consumerism and over-working are the two biggest culprits.
When I was in graduate school I took a sociology class and we read a book on post modernity and consumerism. It was fascinating. The ideas were new and yet familiar to me. The basic premise is that since World War II when money and products both became more abundant, society has changed in many ways. In the pursuit of collecting and maintaining things the following have happened:
1. Most women now work outside of the home
2. People work longer hours
3. Isolation has become the norm. Where once people built and even needed relationships with family and neighbors we have moved to an "independent" frame of mind. The time it takes to obtain and maintain our "stuff" leaves limited time for others.
4. Debt is common
5. We spend an enormous amount of time collecting (aka shopping) things and then caring for them. Think of the average house size. I have a house that was built in 1955 and it was large at the time (2100 sq. ft.) This house is on the small side now. Bigger house, more furniture, more to clean, more to worry about, etc.
6. We eat out more
7. Our lives involve less activity
I took this class 8 years ago and I have been mulling these ideas over for a long time. Yet I keep moving along with the culture. I don't plan to end up in an off-grid house collecting my urine to fertilize my garden, but I do want to make some changes that bring me closer to what is truly important in my life.
When I was in graduate school I took a sociology class and we read a book on post modernity and consumerism. It was fascinating. The ideas were new and yet familiar to me. The basic premise is that since World War II when money and products both became more abundant, society has changed in many ways. In the pursuit of collecting and maintaining things the following have happened:
1. Most women now work outside of the home
2. People work longer hours
3. Isolation has become the norm. Where once people built and even needed relationships with family and neighbors we have moved to an "independent" frame of mind. The time it takes to obtain and maintain our "stuff" leaves limited time for others.
4. Debt is common
5. We spend an enormous amount of time collecting (aka shopping) things and then caring for them. Think of the average house size. I have a house that was built in 1955 and it was large at the time (2100 sq. ft.) This house is on the small side now. Bigger house, more furniture, more to clean, more to worry about, etc.
6. We eat out more
7. Our lives involve less activity
I took this class 8 years ago and I have been mulling these ideas over for a long time. Yet I keep moving along with the culture. I don't plan to end up in an off-grid house collecting my urine to fertilize my garden, but I do want to make some changes that bring me closer to what is truly important in my life.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Day 7 - Overwhelming
It is amazing how once you start writing things down you start to see how you really think. When I go back and read what I wrote when I am in a different frame of mind I see things differently and sometimes much more clearly. I guess that's why journaling is therapeautic.
What I am beginning to notice is that I have been overwhelming myself with my thoughts and that is what is probably the greatest complication in my life. That and being sick a lot.
I have unrealistic expectations for myself. I want to be productive 100% of the time. Part of that is my personality and part of that comes from my father. But, what actually ends up happening is that I become overwhelmed with everything I have to do and then I do nothing and get further behind. I also think my productivity and abilities should remain the same regardless of my physical well being. This comes from childhood when I was a sickly child and hated it. I never wanted to use being sick as an excuse. Being sick is a real reason to be less productive. It's just not a reason to be unproductive.
Usually on weekends I start by totally vegging out on Friday night. I read, watch tv, ignore my family, go to bed early and "recover." Then I get up grudgingly on Saturday and make a list of everything I need to accomplish for home and work by Monday morning. My list typically includes about 80 hours worth of chores. No wonder I feel weighed down.
So, I think for this week I need to focus on setting realistic expectations, not on making lists that are overwhelming. I also need to focus on getting healthier so I can minimize being sick.
What I am beginning to notice is that I have been overwhelming myself with my thoughts and that is what is probably the greatest complication in my life. That and being sick a lot.
I have unrealistic expectations for myself. I want to be productive 100% of the time. Part of that is my personality and part of that comes from my father. But, what actually ends up happening is that I become overwhelmed with everything I have to do and then I do nothing and get further behind. I also think my productivity and abilities should remain the same regardless of my physical well being. This comes from childhood when I was a sickly child and hated it. I never wanted to use being sick as an excuse. Being sick is a real reason to be less productive. It's just not a reason to be unproductive.
Usually on weekends I start by totally vegging out on Friday night. I read, watch tv, ignore my family, go to bed early and "recover." Then I get up grudgingly on Saturday and make a list of everything I need to accomplish for home and work by Monday morning. My list typically includes about 80 hours worth of chores. No wonder I feel weighed down.
So, I think for this week I need to focus on setting realistic expectations, not on making lists that are overwhelming. I also need to focus on getting healthier so I can minimize being sick.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Day 6 - The Spew
I feel a little bit like a whiner. Spewing my discontent with life and responsibilities. Going on about my drama. But, it is making me feel better. It's helping me let some of this frustration and anxiety go.
It has become obvious that in my pursuit to simplify my life I am going to have to deal with the clutter, both physical and mental. I think all of my previous pursuits have dealt meerly with the physical. I have had this naive notion that if I can remove responsibilities and "stuff" somehow life will be simple.
Then my husband reminded me of someone we know who does not work or have a family and is virtually free to do as he pleases. And he is the most stressed out person I know. So stressed that he thinks going away (literally) is the only way to simplify his life.
I thought I would start this blog and start moving towards a life of simplicity. I planned to blog about the simple living philosophy and quickly move to lasagna gardening, debt free living and living green.
I'm not sure how long it will take me to get there. I have much work to do until then. A lot of that work has to be accomplished through God's work in my heart and spirit. It is clear to me that I have an abundance of anger that I have learned well how to mask. I beleive psychologists call that depression - anger turned inward. My scope and sequence may have to be refined. My time line of a year may not be sufficient. I may need a lifetime.
It has become obvious that in my pursuit to simplify my life I am going to have to deal with the clutter, both physical and mental. I think all of my previous pursuits have dealt meerly with the physical. I have had this naive notion that if I can remove responsibilities and "stuff" somehow life will be simple.
Then my husband reminded me of someone we know who does not work or have a family and is virtually free to do as he pleases. And he is the most stressed out person I know. So stressed that he thinks going away (literally) is the only way to simplify his life.
I thought I would start this blog and start moving towards a life of simplicity. I planned to blog about the simple living philosophy and quickly move to lasagna gardening, debt free living and living green.
I'm not sure how long it will take me to get there. I have much work to do until then. A lot of that work has to be accomplished through God's work in my heart and spirit. It is clear to me that I have an abundance of anger that I have learned well how to mask. I beleive psychologists call that depression - anger turned inward. My scope and sequence may have to be refined. My time line of a year may not be sufficient. I may need a lifetime.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day 4 - OHHH
I started to write a post this morning about the simple living concept and how I got interested in it and then the phone rang. It was 6:15. This was the second phone call that came, the first was at 5:20. Bob's brother was in crisis and his mother called for help. It was serious business.
Then I went to school at 7:00 and left at 5:15. Got home and immediately went to dinner with my husband and that was a very nice 30 minutes. We then went to look at mattress's, we are currently on the floor. Came home and went and looked for recliners to match the new couch. Got home and Alex walks in.
He has talked his mom into changing him out of Mandarin Chinese after I have told him no. Of course I call her immediately and put a halt to that. He tells me I really have no authority over him and he will be moving out the day he turns 12 (2 weeks from now). I tell him to make a list of what he plans to take because I will need to approve what leaves the house. He says he hasn't decided for sure yet, but if I don't start letting him do what he wants he will have no choice but to leave. I tell him to call his mom and prepare her that she will have a new tenant in 2 weeks. And then I realize I am fighting with an 11 year old. I leave and he yells.
He yells and yells and yells (I won't even repeat what is said) until he is kicked out to the yard for manual labor. It could be midnight before he works his way back to a warm bed. I may be able to write a bunch.
But, today I am thankful. I got to kiss my husband. I had plenty to eat. I saw my friends lay the foundation for what will change teaching forever at our school. I got to see two teachers that are interested in becoming reading specialists learn how to screen a child for dyslexia. I survived. It was complicated and it was messy and part of it was really ugly, but I survived.
Then I went to school at 7:00 and left at 5:15. Got home and immediately went to dinner with my husband and that was a very nice 30 minutes. We then went to look at mattress's, we are currently on the floor. Came home and went and looked for recliners to match the new couch. Got home and Alex walks in.
He has talked his mom into changing him out of Mandarin Chinese after I have told him no. Of course I call her immediately and put a halt to that. He tells me I really have no authority over him and he will be moving out the day he turns 12 (2 weeks from now). I tell him to make a list of what he plans to take because I will need to approve what leaves the house. He says he hasn't decided for sure yet, but if I don't start letting him do what he wants he will have no choice but to leave. I tell him to call his mom and prepare her that she will have a new tenant in 2 weeks. And then I realize I am fighting with an 11 year old. I leave and he yells.
He yells and yells and yells (I won't even repeat what is said) until he is kicked out to the yard for manual labor. It could be midnight before he works his way back to a warm bed. I may be able to write a bunch.
But, today I am thankful. I got to kiss my husband. I had plenty to eat. I saw my friends lay the foundation for what will change teaching forever at our school. I got to see two teachers that are interested in becoming reading specialists learn how to screen a child for dyslexia. I survived. It was complicated and it was messy and part of it was really ugly, but I survived.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Day 3 - Reactions
As I'm going through the day today I am really paying attention to what zaps my energy and what gives me energy. I'm thinking that knowing this will somehow help me.
Worrying definitely zaps my energy. When something doesn't go exactly as planned. When I am expecting to have a certain amount of time for a task and part of that time is removed. When I am working with some students that are having a difficult time managing their behavior. When I look at my desk and see that I won't be able to accomplish what I thought I could. When I can't remember what comes next. When someone says something I don't want to hear. When the school calls and tells me my son has detention for 3 days for skipping class. When my son acts belligerent and unrepentent and tells me that he really won't have a consequence because he will be with his mother the next 4 days.
What I realize is that all of these things in themselves don't cause the stress. It is my reaction to them. For me, I can feel my blood pressure rise, the anxiety creeps up (or smacks me across the head), I become agitated, wanting a release, wanting to shut down.
I know that I am not perfect, but I still have the expectation that I should be perfect. If I want my life to become simpler it is clear to me that I will have to become more flexible, learn how to deal with some of this anxiety and cut myself some slack.
Worrying definitely zaps my energy. When something doesn't go exactly as planned. When I am expecting to have a certain amount of time for a task and part of that time is removed. When I am working with some students that are having a difficult time managing their behavior. When I look at my desk and see that I won't be able to accomplish what I thought I could. When I can't remember what comes next. When someone says something I don't want to hear. When the school calls and tells me my son has detention for 3 days for skipping class. When my son acts belligerent and unrepentent and tells me that he really won't have a consequence because he will be with his mother the next 4 days.
What I realize is that all of these things in themselves don't cause the stress. It is my reaction to them. For me, I can feel my blood pressure rise, the anxiety creeps up (or smacks me across the head), I become agitated, wanting a release, wanting to shut down.
I know that I am not perfect, but I still have the expectation that I should be perfect. If I want my life to become simpler it is clear to me that I will have to become more flexible, learn how to deal with some of this anxiety and cut myself some slack.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Day 2 - List 1
Things I would like to do more often
Dance
Smile
Forgive
Laugh
Help others
Things I would like to do less often
Worry
Laundry
Sit in front of a television
Eat
Yell at my son
Make lists
Dance
Smile
Forgive
Laugh
Help others
Things I would like to do less often
Worry
Laundry
Sit in front of a television
Eat
Yell at my son
Make lists
Day 2 - My Sister Says
According to my sister, my life is not that complicated. I only have one child, I'm a teacher and I don't have many extra-curricular activities. She thinks a maid and sending laundry out will pretty much simplify my life.
Of course my first reaction is remove her from my "comment" team. I want to say something really nasty back to her, but she is pregnant, and my sister and this is the day I'm trying to not say anything bad about anyone. I want to at least check one question yes on my day 1 list.
I want your support, NOT your honesty. Oh wait, I do want your honesty. I'm trying to change, even if it is just my thought process that needs to be changed.
So, how do you decide if your life is at that level of complication that is enough to keep you challenged and productive and not so much where you want to get in your car and drive away and never look back? What is the right level of simplification? Is it possible to simplify too much, to have too little expectation for yourself?
I don't know. That is why I'm writing this blog and going on this journey. What I do know is that I have a hard time keeping up with all I have to do. I am often crabby with the people I care most about because I have used up my patience somewhere else during the day. I am sick a lot. I wish I had more energy. I can't or don't find time for things that I really enjoy. I don't know how to relax anymore.
I think I can do better. I want my life to be better. I think simplification will make it better. I just don't know exactly how to get from here to there.
Of course my first reaction is remove her from my "comment" team. I want to say something really nasty back to her, but she is pregnant, and my sister and this is the day I'm trying to not say anything bad about anyone. I want to at least check one question yes on my day 1 list.
I want your support, NOT your honesty. Oh wait, I do want your honesty. I'm trying to change, even if it is just my thought process that needs to be changed.
So, how do you decide if your life is at that level of complication that is enough to keep you challenged and productive and not so much where you want to get in your car and drive away and never look back? What is the right level of simplification? Is it possible to simplify too much, to have too little expectation for yourself?
I don't know. That is why I'm writing this blog and going on this journey. What I do know is that I have a hard time keeping up with all I have to do. I am often crabby with the people I care most about because I have used up my patience somewhere else during the day. I am sick a lot. I wish I had more energy. I can't or don't find time for things that I really enjoy. I don't know how to relax anymore.
I think I can do better. I want my life to be better. I think simplification will make it better. I just don't know exactly how to get from here to there.
Day 2
Ecclisiastes 1:18 - with much wisdom comes much sorrow, the greater the knowledge, the greater the greif.
I am a seeker of knowledge and pray for wisdom. I never sat down and actually thought how this complicates my life. It's supposed to complicate my life because this is how God made me and he uses this part of me to accomplish His work.
Just like 11 "almost 12" year olds, there are things in my life that are meant to be there that make it messy and hard and complicated. But this is the part of living that is worth living.
So it seems that one of my first tasks is to sort out what complications add value and which ones don't. A life sort of sorts. What belongs, what does not belong.
I am a seeker of knowledge and pray for wisdom. I never sat down and actually thought how this complicates my life. It's supposed to complicate my life because this is how God made me and he uses this part of me to accomplish His work.
Just like 11 "almost 12" year olds, there are things in my life that are meant to be there that make it messy and hard and complicated. But this is the part of living that is worth living.
So it seems that one of my first tasks is to sort out what complications add value and which ones don't. A life sort of sorts. What belongs, what does not belong.
Monday, November 2, 2009
???
Here's the real question. Can you have a simple life when you have an 11 "practically 12" year old living with you?
Day 1 Part 3
Of course I am writing a ton on the first day. It's the first day. I am an excellent starter. Full of ideas, not so full of follow through. Plus I'm home sick and daytime television isn't that appealing.
It's 3:15, day 1. After starting my blog and posting I decided I needed one more day of indulgence. So after eating lunch, I ordered a soup and brownie from On the Border. Am I the only one that gives in right after I say no? Does this sound like I am committed to change? This is SO typical of me. I'm not going to spend money for a year, but first I am going to splurge and buy as many things as I can before I abstain. Abstinence never lasts long. The indulgence adds up.
This is how I got here. To this complicated life where I have too much, eat too much, commit to too much, complain too much. And now floating around in my head are a million ideas for this blog and for my plan to journey toward simplicity. Will all these ideas complicate the process?
I read so I know. I know that you are supposed to start with one main priority. Small steps. If I go too small I will die before I reach any level of simplicity. This week I begin with 5 questions.
1. Can I go one day without a soda? It doesn't count if I'm in a coma. I have to choose to have something better in place of soda.
2. Can I go one day without making a verbal complaint against another person? Let's face it, the mind is harder to control than the mouth. The mouth is very hard to control, but I will start there. I better not try this on the no soda day.
3. Can I read my Bible every day this week?
4. Can I walk 5 miles this week?
5. Can I post on this blog every day for a week?
I'm tired now, a little overwhelmed. What have I gotten myself into?
It's 3:15, day 1. After starting my blog and posting I decided I needed one more day of indulgence. So after eating lunch, I ordered a soup and brownie from On the Border. Am I the only one that gives in right after I say no? Does this sound like I am committed to change? This is SO typical of me. I'm not going to spend money for a year, but first I am going to splurge and buy as many things as I can before I abstain. Abstinence never lasts long. The indulgence adds up.
This is how I got here. To this complicated life where I have too much, eat too much, commit to too much, complain too much. And now floating around in my head are a million ideas for this blog and for my plan to journey toward simplicity. Will all these ideas complicate the process?
I read so I know. I know that you are supposed to start with one main priority. Small steps. If I go too small I will die before I reach any level of simplicity. This week I begin with 5 questions.
1. Can I go one day without a soda? It doesn't count if I'm in a coma. I have to choose to have something better in place of soda.
2. Can I go one day without making a verbal complaint against another person? Let's face it, the mind is harder to control than the mouth. The mouth is very hard to control, but I will start there. I better not try this on the no soda day.
3. Can I read my Bible every day this week?
4. Can I walk 5 miles this week?
5. Can I post on this blog every day for a week?
I'm tired now, a little overwhelmed. What have I gotten myself into?
Day 1 Part 2
The Mayo Clinic (how appropriate) advises people with asthma to maintain a healthy weight, be physically active, eat nutrient rich foods, and maintain a reasonable amount of stress in order to reduce the frequency and intensity of asthma related symptoms. Check no to all of the above.
According to the scale in my bathroom, I weigh 150.2 pounds. That is approximately 50 more pounds than I weighed when I married Bob. I wonder how he feels about that. I don't particularly care for it but I am the one letting it happen.
I am physically active sometimes, but not right now. This summer I swam almost every day and my lungs felt better than they have in years. I had NO breathing problems until last week. It has been 2 months since I had a regular exercise program. School started and though I said it was a priority, obviously it was not.
Eating healthy -the ironic thing is that I am a Registered Dietitian. I know how to eat well. I enjoy eating well. I have a garden. I just don't eat well. I use food to relieve stress and I am addicted to sodas. I can't explain why I choose the foods I do. It's almost a rebellion. Why else would I avoid things I enjoy that are actually healthy for me?
As mentioned before, I don't avoid stress, I court it. The problem is that the more stress I have the more I try to avoid it and the more stress I create. Visious cycle.
According to the scale in my bathroom, I weigh 150.2 pounds. That is approximately 50 more pounds than I weighed when I married Bob. I wonder how he feels about that. I don't particularly care for it but I am the one letting it happen.
I am physically active sometimes, but not right now. This summer I swam almost every day and my lungs felt better than they have in years. I had NO breathing problems until last week. It has been 2 months since I had a regular exercise program. School started and though I said it was a priority, obviously it was not.
Eating healthy -the ironic thing is that I am a Registered Dietitian. I know how to eat well. I enjoy eating well. I have a garden. I just don't eat well. I use food to relieve stress and I am addicted to sodas. I can't explain why I choose the foods I do. It's almost a rebellion. Why else would I avoid things I enjoy that are actually healthy for me?
As mentioned before, I don't avoid stress, I court it. The problem is that the more stress I have the more I try to avoid it and the more stress I create. Visious cycle.
In the Beginning
I am sitting here in sweats I have worn for 3 days, home from work eating a bunch of junk food, watching E True Hollywood Stories about Rocker daughters and Ex-Wives and feeling depressed because I can't breathe and I have 472 things that need to be done by tommorow. And it dawns on me for the 1,000th time - my life is too complicated. When I won't slow it down my body steps in and shuts it down for me. I don't think it is supposed to be this way.
I always set up a life that is too complicated until it gets too complicated and then I want a simple life. I usually just change jobs, eat something fattening or buy something I don't really need. But now, I just want a simpler version of the life I have. I want to enjoy my family instead of them being one more burden in my busy life. I want to cook good food that is good for my body and makes me healthy. I want a clean house. I want to read for pleasure and enjoy reading instead of feeling guilty that I am not being productive. I want to have room to seize the day and enjoy something that was not planned. I want to go to work and feel that I am making the world a better place but not feel that I have to solve ALL of the world's problems. I want to worship God and not try to fit Him in when I can.
So, I begin this journey putting it all out there. Will I quit on day 5 and erase this blog from existence? Can I truly be honest along the way or will I choose to spin the truth to make it more palitable? Do I really want to change or do I simply want a different outcome? What will my life look like one year from today?
I always set up a life that is too complicated until it gets too complicated and then I want a simple life. I usually just change jobs, eat something fattening or buy something I don't really need. But now, I just want a simpler version of the life I have. I want to enjoy my family instead of them being one more burden in my busy life. I want to cook good food that is good for my body and makes me healthy. I want a clean house. I want to read for pleasure and enjoy reading instead of feeling guilty that I am not being productive. I want to have room to seize the day and enjoy something that was not planned. I want to go to work and feel that I am making the world a better place but not feel that I have to solve ALL of the world's problems. I want to worship God and not try to fit Him in when I can.
So, I begin this journey putting it all out there. Will I quit on day 5 and erase this blog from existence? Can I truly be honest along the way or will I choose to spin the truth to make it more palitable? Do I really want to change or do I simply want a different outcome? What will my life look like one year from today?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
