Day 92 - Miracle

Marriage is a miracle.  Not the getting married, but the staying married.

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. 

I love weddings.  There is almost always hope and belief that it is forever.

But 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Those of us who are married and have never divorced may like to think that we have some special skill or know how.  But staying married is a miracle.

A beautiful miracle.

God taking two people and combining their lives, opinions, ideas, hopes, dreams, sorrows, baggage, weaknesses and everything else and making it work.

Don't get me wrong, the people involved play a role in whether or not they stay married. 

But sustaining anything for many years is hard.  And people aren't perfect.  And love doesn't solve all problems.  Happiness isn't constant. 

Marriage is a miracle.

I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a good marriage.  A husband I love and respect and enjoy spending time with.  Someone who loves me even though I'm crazy.  I hope I never take this gift for granted. 

Day 89 - Listen Up

I need to listen better. 

I need to hear you and not be thinking of 100 things I need to do.

Or what to say in response.

I need to listen to your words and body language and tone.

I need to really hear what you are saying.

And sit with it awhile. 

And think about what you are really trying to say.

I need to listen with my heart and my head.

I need to be open to what you have to say.

Really open.

Not immediately thinking of all the reasons you are wrong and I am right.

Open.

I need to let you have your say.

Without the benefit of my spin.

All you.  All your words.  Your thoughts and ideas.

I need to listen better.

So that I can know you better.

Serve you better.

Love you better.

Day 88 - The tongue

God's word says the tongue is like a fire.  It can destroy. 

It does destroy.  It has destroyed.

It is the rudder of our ship.

It directs us.  Paves the path for our experiences as negative or positive.

I'm not always so careful with my words. 

Today I let discontent take over my tongue and spew some self-righteous attitude directly at someone I care about.

I can't take back those words.

I can't take back that hurt.

I can ask for forgiveness.  I can be more careful next time.  I can get my heart right so those thoughts don't cross my mind and that way they never have a chance of crossing my lips.

Day 87 - I'm still learning

I realized a few things about myself today.

1.  I'd rather fix someone's problems than teach them how to fix their own problems

2.  I am not as thorough as I need to be

3.  I am good at communicating what I think will help you and less effective at communicating what you need to hear

4.  My ADD interferes with my need to prioritize

Not sure what I'm going to do with this information yet. 

Day 86 - A little sugar on top

A few weeks ago, Albertson's had a sale on pints of Blue-Bell ice cream.  I bought 10 different flavors.  My guys love ice cream. 

So everytime I cook a healthy homemade meal, we top it off with ice cream. 

The perfect ending.

Of course I'm working on this high cholesterol thing so I only have a couple of spoonfuls.

That little bit goes a long way.

Isn't that how we like our truth?  With a little sugar on top.  Something positive to balance the sting of knowing we don't quite measure up or that we still have room to grow.

It's hard to admit to such easy manipulation, but its true.  Kind words soften a hard heart.  They soothe hurt feelings.  They mend fences. 

Here's to ice cream and kindness. 

Day 85 - Cooperation

I can't find no, cooperation.  Which leads to no satisfaction.

Why can't people just do what I want them to do?

Why can't people think like me?

Why are people so delusional about themselves?

Why I am a throwing a fit because I can't have my way?

This always happens.  As soon as I get super organized and work like crazy hard I start to get - crazy.

Crazy with power.

Crazy with control.

Crazy with criticism.

I have lost all sense of balance (and I even did yoga this morning.)

My mantra - I am not God.  I do not control the world.  My ideas aren't perfect.  I don't get to make all of the decisions.  Other people get to make their own decisions.  I can't fix everything.  I need to focus on me and my faults instead of trying to fix everyone else's.  I am not God.

Breathe.

Day 84 - Gardening

In the summer I love to go to my garden and pick fresh vegetables and prepare them.  So fresh.  So tasty.  So convenient. 

For the last two years I have had a garden.  The first year went pretty smooth because Bob did most of the work with making the box and filling it with dirt.  I started a little late but ended up with wonderful tomatoes, peppers and squash.  Last year the drought hurt and I had a ton of weeds. 

This year I am using the lasagna gardening technique.  In November I covered my garden with cardboard and watered it down well.  The rains that followed through fall and winter helped to keep it moist so that the cardboard could start to break down. 

Today I lifted it up and underneath was super moist and rich looking soil with lots of worms and bugs composting.  I dug down a layer and started to bury my cardboard under the rich dirt.  It serves to keep moisture in the soil and prevent weeds.  When planting, it is easy to dig through the cardboard because it is already soft and supple from keeping it wet.

I also prepared a front flower bed that I plan to use as an herb garden this year.  This will be my first time to try growing herbs.

Over the next few weeks I plan to finish preparing my garden so that I can begin planting in early March.  Besides tomatoes and peppers I haven't decided yet what I will be planting. 

There is something magical about planting a garden.  Putting your hands in the soil.  Preparing for something so natural and healthy.  It just feels right.

Day 83 - Simple - Awwww

Tonight its going to be simple.  My mind is going nowhere that's messy or busy or overwhelming or planning or thinking. 

I'm not planning to veg.  I'm planning to relax.

Day 82 - You may soon be calling me Aunt Georgia

I have been eating healthier.  Quit drinking sodas.  Started eating a lot more fiber.

That has consequences.  Good for my health.  Maybe not so great for my neighbors.

I am a producer of natural gas and when I got to go, I got to go.

Once I give up candy and fried foods there is no telling how healthy I will be.  You may want to keep your distance.

I may soon have some stories involving convenience stores, clean-up on aisle 3, family members pretending not to know me and police officers paging pyschiatric services.

Day 81 - 101 Reasons Why

The Judd's had a song back in the day that went something like this "101 Reasons why I shouldn't love you, but the reasons why are 102." 

I think that describes a lot of life.

Everything has an upside and a downside.

It's not all good or all bad.  Everything has shades of both extremes and everything in between.  The balance of that is different for every person.

I've been trying to explain to someone why I work more than the required 7:30-3:30.  She thinks I work too hard.  I feel like a slacker because there is so much more I could be doing.  I think she isn't willing to work hard enough.  She feels that life should have more balance and time to relax. 

Who's right?  Who's wrong?  My reasons why I stay are 102.  Her reasons to leave are 102.

Day 80 - Where there is a will

I know that every student at Kemp Elementary can learn how to read and comprehend what they read.  I know this.  I just haven't figured out a way yet to make it happen yet.  I'm not giving up.

I have some new ideas to try out.  I have been reading some stuff that focuses on strong foundational skills  for Kindergarten.  I have been offering training to teachers.  I have been trying to build my endurance by eating healthier so that I can see these ideas to fruitition.

If you're out there and reading and you have any suggestions, please pass them along. 

Day 79 - Breathe

Today we made an offer an a house.  A house that needs some work on 6.5 beautiful park like acres.  A pond.  A garage apartment.

Part of me wants to act like we already have it.  We don't.  But already, even before the offer, Bob and I talked about everything we would do.  And then would catch ourselves and remind ourselves that we don't own it.

And then I would think about leaving our house and that would take my breath away.  I love our house and its character.  We have a lot of memories here.  If we leave, it will be hard.

I keep thinking its silly to have something that may or may not happen occupy so much of my thought before it happens.  At the same time, if it wasn't popping into my mind so frequently, it probably is not the right place.

So we will see what happens.  In the meantime, normal life will resume tomorrow and my attentions will be otherwise occupied, at least for the daytime.

Day 78 - Salsa

Salsa is cheap.  Usually.  Big bang for the buck.  Lots of flavor.  Take something boring and spice it up.
Many different kinds for many different purposes.

That's what my friends provide.  Spice.  Each one a different flavor, serving a different purpose.

Making my life so much tastier and enjoyable.

Thank you friends.

Day 77 - Simple?

I created this blog to chronicle how I would be moving to a simpler life over the course of a year.

But like many journeys that begin with one intention a new direction soon emerged. 

Many of my journeys have ended up going South.  Mainly because my intention was not backed by effort.  Or I was focused on the wrong thing.  Or I was embarking on my own without direction from God or support from my peeps.

This journey is morphing into what I would call "purposeful complication."  Through much reflection and some fit throwing I have accepted that while it is totally possible for me to live a simpler life, it is unlikely. 

Some things are getting easier - I now have a housekeeper.  Some things are harder - changing bad habits and being more committed to what I commit to (like marriage, parenthood, work and friendships.)  A few things are on the horizon - becoming a CASA volunteer for kids in foster care, possibly buying a new house and welcoming a neice in March.

And of course, more morphing.  Moving in the direction that God has chosen for me and not simply moving in my direction and asking for His help along the way.

Day 76 - Everyone is dying

I found out today that the father of one of my best high school friends died of Cancer this morning.  Another good friends father died a few weeks ago.  My uncle with Stage IV cancer could die at any moment.  Everytime my mom calls I wonder what the news will be.

Everyone is dying. 

My mother actually bought a funeral dress a couple of months ago because so many people she knows are sick.

Everyone who is living is dying.

It's part of the cycle.  A painful part.  And sometimes a welcome and painful part.

We are but a speck.

Why waste time being petty?

Why put things before people?

Why worry?

Why wait?

Why just live for yourself when you can live to serve others and affect as many lives as possible?

Why stay in your nice comfortable cozy box?

Why waste time on important stuff?

Why put off your dreams?

I'm dying.  But in the meantime I plan on living.

Day 75 - Emotions

12:26 Joy, when I realized I still had 5 hours left to sleep

5:22 Dread, when I realized the alarm would go off in 23 minutes

5:57 Resignment when I dragged myself into the shower

6:30 Sad when I realized my husband was sick

7:00 Laughing uncontrollably as the funniest human on the earth entertained me and mentioned my homey girlfriends

7:10 Satisfaction as I sipped Starbucks hot chocolate with whipped cream

7:35 Relaxed as I walked to class, prepared for the day

7:55 Concerned as Roxy sniffled and sneezed and looked like she needed to be tucked warmly in her bed resting

8:00 Proud as everyone read their words flawlessly

8:10 Intrigued when I realized that two of my students thought observe meant serve

8:20 Disappointed when my 8:15 group was nowhere to be found

8:45 Stunned when a teacher came barreling through the door with anger etched on her face

8:55 Curious about what was happening behind closed doors

9:00 Worried about my friends who were obviously a little rattled

9:10 Excited and concerned when current scores for K were posted

9:15 Unprepared when I didn't know the meaning of balanced literacy

9:20 Releived that no one judged me

9:40 Thankful that I had a few minutes before my next class

10:00 Determined that small group would be successful

10:15 Surprised at how many students didn't understand the meaning of range

10:45 Happy when a student said that she likes the way I make her think

11:00 Curious how my student teacher and students would do transitioning to class without me

11:15 Irritated that two students were bickering

11:30 Anxious that not everyone was ready to start class

11:40 Thrilled that Devante spelled all of his words correctly but 2

11:45 Amazed that Shawnacey knows summary so well

11:50 Wishful that Maria could verbalize her thoughts

11:55 Excited that Roxy remembered the order of where the story took place

12:00 Ready to see how my math group would add 2 digit numbers

12:05 Frustrated that they could not remember any of the skills we have been working on the past two weeks

12:30  Analyzing how I should modify instruction next time

12:31  Hurried to get lunch, bathroom and back to class in 30 minutes

12:35 Relaxed to sit, eat and visit for a spell

12:55 Anxious to return to my classroom to review the lesson for the day

1:05  Wondering where my students were

1:10 Pleased with how Amy handled a belligerent student

1:15 Overjoyed that Michelle remembered all of the steps for syllable division and used them to decode a 3 syllable word - detergent

1:20  Glad that 2 kiddos that don't struggle much get to see all of the decoding skills that my group has, I think they were in awe

1:30 Rushed that time was up and it was time for the next group

1:32 Satisfied that what I am teaching is sinking in

1:33  Releived to finally make it to the bathroom

1:35 In suspense about what condition my students would be in when I went to pull them (right in the middle of transition)

1:36 Bothered that Tony did not want to come to my class

1:37  Saddened and worried that one of my students left screaming from the office that she didn't want to go to that place

1:45 Shocked that Dreneshia could sit still and quite for 40 minutes

1:50 Resigned that one of my students was not going to put in full effort or attention

1:55 Encouraged after talking to said student

2:00 Curious at how my students were performing on their Mastery Check

2:15  Laughing with my students as we played sight word bingo

2:25 Anxious that I would be late for bus duty

2:30 Hurried

2: 30 Glad that Mrs. Barba was there

2:40 Releived that everyone was safely conveyed

2:45 Happy to hear that my students did well on their mastery checks

3:00 Not ready to get to work but feeling the necessity

3:05  Enjoying planning with Amy and seeing how much she has grown in one week

3:30  Disappointed to hear that a student was not going to qualify for services

4:25 Relieved that planning was finished

4:45  Heartbroken that one of the teachers I mentor was heartbroken about a struggling student

5:55 Tired as I headed home

6:15 Sad to see that my husband was still sick

6:30  Vegged

6:31 Grateful that I didn't have much to do tonight


One day, so many emotions.  More to come before I sleep.

Day 74 - Retirement

In one of my decoding classes that I teach, we were studying how the g can make the j sound.  We came across the word gypsy and not one of my students knew what that meant.  As I tried to explain what it was I said that one day when I retired my husband and I would by gypsies, moving around from place to place.  One of my students said, Mrs. Cochrane, you can't retire.  Who would teach the kids how to read?

This is when I know the real value of choosing hard over easy. They know what we choose.  It shows them exactly what they mean to us. 

Day 73 - Dog Tired

I am tired.  So tired I will be lucky if I can string together some coherent thoughts here.  Usually when I feel this way, so tired, I also feel inadequate.  Like it's not okay to be tired.

But its okay to be tired.  Ask the new moms and parents of toddlers.  They are always tired. 

Dog tired is a clear signal that some rest is needed.  Re-charge the batteries.  Sit, be still, calm the mind, relax. 

So tonight I am recharging.  Taking it easy.  And no, I do not feel guilty.  Guilty just zaps all of that energy that resting provides. 

Recliner and pajamas, here I come.

Day 72 - Imperfections Not Allowed

We live in a society where perfection is expected.  Standards are set for others with little tolerance for deviation, but with the understanding that we personally don't have to live up to those expectations.  Differences are seen as personality flaws rather than, well differences.  Appearance is a more valuable commodity than purpose or internal value.

No wonder everyone is stressed out.  Carrying all of these expectation of perfection that are completely unattainable.  Setting all of these expectations.  Refusing to just accept that we are human, that the people around us are human and that mistakes are part of the human condition.

No wonder God has been so minimized by our culture.  We expect each other to be dieties.

I'm not talking about a lack of accountability.  We all know what happens when people choose not to be responsible.  I'm talking about that as people are going on in life, well-intentioned and trying to do what is right, that when they aren't perfect, or when they rest for a while, or when they disappoint us, that we choose forgiveness over criticism. 

Day 71 - Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

When you learn to ride a motorcyle they teach you to keep your eyes on where you are going.  Turning your head tends to guide your hands, and therefore the bike, in the direction you are looking.  Sounds easy, but there are lots of distractions when you are riding a motorcycle. 

There are lots of distractions in life.  Things that turn our heads and hands and focus and energy.  Things that so easily and deceptively usurp our goals.  We still think we are headed in direction A because it is where we want to go, but soon we realize we have traveled down a different road and its a long way back.

I was reminded of this at the end of this week.  I have been focused on living a healthier life.  Part of that plan has been to eat healthier, not perfect, just healthier.  Stayed focused.  Not overconsumed but every mindful.  I haven't had a soda in over a month.  I have been feeling much better.  So much so that the mindfullness I had employed to keep me on track started to wane.  And so my decisions followed.  One night I grabbed Lane's chicken fingers for dinner.  One day I ate two candy bars.  One day pizza for lunch and Casa Ole for dinner, with tea at both meals.  STOP. 

The fact that I have not had any soda made me feel protected.  But that is just one choice that keeps me healthy.  I so easily go back to bad habits nurtured over years when I take my eyes off the prize.  I'm glad I caught it before I was in El Paso on my way to Florida.

I have many changes I want to make.  I can't make them all at once.  I have tried that and it doesn't work.  All or nothing.  My plan for years.  My plan that failed.  But to begin to work on something new, I have to first ingrain new habits into my psyche so that they are automatic.  Only then can I turn my focus and attention to conquering another nasty habit.

Day 70 - Worry

The best peice of advice I came across during my observations to be a teacher was from Pebble Creek Elementary.  The bathroom of PBE.  On the wall in the bathroom at PBE.

A poster that said "Worry won't change tomorrow, but it sure will ruin today."  Some days I live that motto.  Others I don't. 

God does not desire for us to worry.  It's a sign that we do not trust Him.  He has made this abundantly clear in scripture.  He also desires for us to rejoice in the day and worry ruins all chance of that.

For people with trust issues, worries is a staple.  But people with trust issues can change.  God can change people with trust issues and worry issues and all other kinds of issues.

Sometimes worry is actually the feeling of inadequacy or the desire to delay a consequence of our own choices.  We just don't want to face the music we made.  This is worry of our own devices.  We create this worry.

But worrying about things out of our control makes no sense.  I think I'll give it up.

Day 69 - Walking the Dogs in the Super Cold

It's 28 degrees outside and the wind chill makes it feel like 19 and I took the dogs for a long walk at the park.  Kellie said I was dedicated and Charlene said I was crazy.

The truth is I had a hot flash last night and its effects have lingered.  The coldest day of the year and I am all warm and fuzzy inside and out. 

Isn't God amazing?  He's always turning lemons into lemonaid. 

Now its time to share the warmth with Bob Rico Love Shuttles who is sitting in the recliner covered in blankets and still freezing.

68 - Alone

As long as I can remember.  All of my memories.  All of my life.  Surrounded by people that love me and people that I love.  I have felt alone.

Maybe everybody feels that way. 

I have dreams where I live alone and know no one.  Not to any depth that would constitute a relationship.  Just hi, how are you doing kind of knowing.  Sometimes I feel that way and I am fully awake.

My mom says its because I'm different. 

It's the reason I have difficulty trusting people. 

I have often wondered if I have some rogue type of Aspergers.

It's why I feel so comfortable around weird children.  Kindred spirits.  Lonely hearts drawn to one another not by words, but by some tacit understanding.

Sometimes alone is what I seek.  All that will bring me comfort.

Sometimes it just feels lonely.

Day 67 - Planner

For planners, it is hard for life to every just be.  Simplicity is a foreign concept. 

I used to plan plan plan and of course as life so often does, something wouldn't go quite according to plan.  That would kink my happy feeling, my I know I'm safe because I planned so well feeling.  Turn that feeling right into irritation and often irritation on a grand scale.

So for a while I quit planning.  Very morose.  Why plan?  My planning makes no difference.  Things will just be as they are and I have absolutely no control over what happens.  Why disappoint myself by going to all of the trouble of planning just to see it demolished?  I think this phase scared people who knew me.  Everyone kept asking me if I was depressed.  I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't flexible.  All or nothing.  I want to control everything or nothing at all.

Then I vascillated between planning heavy and planning light.  You could call this the bi-polar phase.  I would plan something out and have it be perfect and then totally not care about the next thing.  This is when my house was either spotless or condemnable.  

I am now moving into the flexible stage.  I know - I will never be totally flexible because I have the control gene.  The one my mother gave me.  I no longer over do the planning and therefore when a change is necessary, which is often, I don't freak out so much.  I have my moments, but lets just say the family isn't considering committment at the moment.

Day 66 - Beautiful

When we look, really look, not just look for what we want to see, but what is really there, life is beautiful.  It is always beautiful even when we do not see it.  When we see hurt and ugly and disappointed, life is beautiful.  We have just turned our heads toward that and not the beauty.

There are days like today where the beauty shines through.  Thank you Lord.  There are days when we have to remember or be reminded that the beauty is there.  That's where we can help each other.  Be the compass for our people when all they can see is South.  There are days when we don't want to see the beauty because we would rather complain and remind everyone how ugly life is.

Beautiful.  My family.  My friends.  My job.  My life.

Day 65 - Update

Two months into this adventure and I thought I would reflect on what has been working and what I am still working towards.


The main thing is that I have given up soda.  How does this contribute to a simpler life?  Well for one thing, I feel much better.  It could be that the feeling good comes from 2 weeks off work and plenty of rest, but I really think I feel better.  I'm eating healthier overall.  Also, now that I don't have something to overcome stress (drinking a coke and eating some junk) I am dealing with things and having to accept some things that I can't control.  A more realistic way of dealing with stress.  But the main way it has changed me is breaking a major habit.  Knowing that I can do this was a major turning point for me.  


I am not walking consistently although during the break I got quite a bit of activity in.  Walking the dogs, hiking, bike riding, etc.  I had hoped to walk today but I have yet to do that.  I know that this will be hard for me but soon, when the weather is more cooperative I will make it a priority.  I will seize the moment to change, just like I did with soda.


I am being kinder, thinking kinder thoughts, refraining from complaining about others.  Mainly because I have been home with Bob.  With some people it is hard to have a conversation and keep it positive.  I have to really guard against this.  Prepare ahead of time.  


I am not reading my Bible.    This makes no sense to me.  I love to read my Bible.  Still don't understand where this rebellion comes from.


I probably look the same on the outside, but I am feeling much different on the inside.  Much more serious at the moment, but I know that things will lighten up at some point.  My mind has times of rapid and constant activity but I am also finding times where I am able to calm it and maybe not relax, but be more relaxed.


One added benefit of this semester is that I have a student teacher.  I think she is going to be great.  I have missed having an assistant this year in many ways. Having someone in the room, working alongside me will be nice.  Not so lonely.  I am also looking forward to the infusion of new ideas and the accountability that having someone in your room everyday brings.


300 days to go.  This journey has not exactly taken the path I thought it would.  I am excited that I have taken it so seriously.  I have quit so many other efforts  and even though I have set-backs, quitting has never crossed my mind.  


I am not just focused on the beginning or the end, but rather the process.  I can't wait to see what happens next.

Day 64 - Winter

It looks like winter.  The trees are bare.  The flowers are in hiding.  The clouds are low and gloomy.  


It feels like winter.  No matter how high the thermostat or how many coats of clothing, the air touches skin and you feel it in your bones.


I have been hibernating.  Crawling into bed early to warm up.  Getting up late because it is dark and the sun does not beckon.


My blood feels like molasses.  Slow in my actions and thinking.  But the world is slow with me.


Tomorrow school resumes and it will still look and feel like winter.  I hope I can get moving.  

Day 63 - 13 Years

Bob and I were reminiscing about a New Year's Eve party we went to 13 years ago when we lived in Del Rio.  One of those years when we actually stayed up past midnight.  It seemed like such a short time ago, but so much has happened.

Bob's dad died

We moved to Bryan  (actually to CS where we lived with Bob's mom for 8 months until we found a house)

Alex became our son and changed our life in the biggest way

Our dogs Otis and Amos lived out their lives and Radar and Daisy became a part of the family

We were foster parents and loved on 7 kids that really needed it

I went to grad school but did not graduate

Bob worked in College Station, then Austin for 4 years and back to Bryan

I changed careers and became a teacher

I joined and left 2 churches

I gained 30 pounds.  Bob did too.

I used to be Type A and now I'm type a + 4 parts slob.

The internet and cell phones happened.

Reality TV

AJ

New neighbors

I lost touch with people that were once very important to me.  I met many new people and some of them have become really good friends.

It all makes you wonder what the next 13 years will bring.  I will be 57, Bob 62, Alex 25.   Radar and Daisy will be gone and likely more than one of our parents.

It's just a reminder that life changes and we can't predict or control all of those changes.  When it is hard, we think it will last forever, it won't.  When it is great we hope it will last forever, it won't.  We are just a speck in time.  God tells us this.  We think we are so much more.

I love the vastness of life.  Of living.  I hope this year I do not minimize that experience by sitting on the sidelines and just watching it go by.  I hope I live big.

Day 62 - Happy New Year

Beautiful New Year's Day.  Sun is shining.  Illumination.  Son is shining.  Illumination.