Day 61 - Letting go

I am not one for convention.  That is what my family tells me.  That is what I have come to believe about myself.  But, I am one for consistent non-convention.


Get that?  I may not do things the way everyone else does them but I do them my way over and over, making it conventional for me.  


Breaking bad habits, thinking differently, changing common practices for a purpose are not easy.  This journey started with me fighting to change but not wanting to let go.  So many things in my life are still the same.  But, some are changing and this gives me great hope that if I consciously work at changing things that do not add value to the life of my family, I can.


As open as I am as a person, I am just as closed.  In some areas of my life I don't know where the key to the padlock is.  My mind gets stuck.  I have for years tried to get God to change His plan for me to fit into my mold.  I am now becoming open to fitting my plan into His mold.  Not quite there yet but heading in that direction.


So much energy into the maintenance of things that are not important, just comfortable. 


I'm a little afraid to change too much.  I'm scared that my relationships will change for the worse.  More likely, they will change for the better.  


Prayer and Bible Study have to be the center of my decision making.  Not impulse.  Not emotions.  Not others.  Those all have a role, but they can't be the guiding force.


Sixty-one days with a lot of focus on me.  This seems quite extravagant and indulgent.  Moving towards simplicity.  Cleaning out some junk.  Making room for others.  Making room for God.  


I think 2010 is going to be a great year, regardless of what happens.

Day 60 - New Years Resolutions

I don't know if I will actually make New Years Resolutions this year but there are some things I would like to do in 2010.

I would like to give my husband and son a card at least twice a month with something positive in it about what they mean to me.

I would like to lose at least 15 pounds by eating healtheier and moving around a lot more.

I would like to take time for people when they need it and not always rush, rush, rush.

There are more things I would like to do but  they will come out of me over time.  This is what I want to start with.  I'm learning that if you want something you can have it if you make it a priority and have some self-discipline.  My problem has been wanting it but not wanting to do what it takes to get the desired result.

The same problem I gripe at my son about.  Realized in me. 

2009 has been a strange year for me.  Probably the hormones.  But I feel like I am starting to grow up.  At 44.  Things have always been easy for me and I have taken this for granted.  But the body slows and the mind follows and what was once easy becomes difficult.  Not impossible.

Day 59 - Family Time

Bob, Alex, Radar, Daisy and I just spent 4 wonderful days out in West Texas.  We got in the RV with little thoughtful preparation, seeing as how it was the morning after Christmas, and headed to Garner State Park.

Phones didn't work.  No computers.  No video games.  No grocery store around the corner.

Lots of beautiful skies and places to hike and rocks to skip and trees to climb.  Wide open spaces to explore and use your imagination or let your mind rest.  No urgency. 

We cooked the majority of our meals in a dutch oven over an open flame.  Team effort.  Bob and Alex would build the fire and keep it going.  I would prepare the food, which was simple.  Lots of improvisition because I forgot a lot of things.  However it turned out, we were happy to eat after a day of activity.  Working as a team towards a common goal.  Satified together when it was accomplished.  Family bonding at its best.

It got dark and cold early.  We were usually back in the RV by 7:30.  We would watch a movie (VHS on a little bitty tv) or read.  We only had 3 movies so it was easy to choose.  Too much selection definetly complicates.  I don't think I stayed up past 8:30 any night.  Cold snuggle nights with 4 blankets.  The heater wasn't working.

Up before the crack of dawn to take the dogs for a walk about.  No hurry to get back.  Go where the day takes you.

I know going camping in an RV in a rather remote place does not sound like a vacation to a lot of people.  But it is the perfect vacation for us.  Time spent together.  Without much distraction.  Lots of conversation and spontaneous comedy routines by Alex.  His Billy Mays inpersonation will make you wet your pants. 

Alex said we should sell all of our stuff and just live in the motor home.  Travel from place to place.  Don't think it hasn't crossed our minds.  But for now we will remain a part of the rat race.  With eyes looking toward a simpler way of life.

Day 54 - Surreal

Christmas always seems a little surreal to me.  Yes I bought a bunch of gifts.  I spent time wrapping those gifts (although each year less and less time is spent on this.)  I gave those gifts out.  I received gifts.  A few decorations were put up although this year a Christmas tree did not make it into the house.  Cooked some good food.  ATe a lot of good food.

By many standards we had a simple Christmas.  But it still seems a little overwhelming.  

Questions run through my mind.

What would a totally green Christmas look like?  No tree?  Gift wrap?  Presents? Travel?  Just a few special foods?

What will happen when our parents are no longer with us?  Will we keep the same traditions?  Will we have Christmas Eve with my siblings or will we each start our own traditions with our families?  What will we do on Christmas day?

Will we ever have a white Christmas in Colorado or Banff?

When Alex is grown will he choose to come home for Christmas?

What would happen if I didn't give any gifts for a year?

Could I go the rest of my life without buying a purse or make-up?

What size am I going to be next Christmas?

When should I start my diet?  Tomorrow or New Year's Day?

I need to go look at cookbooks.

I'm thinking this mind of mine never lets things be simple.  I could live in the middle of nowhere with no distractions and my mind would keep it complicated?

Day 53 - Christmas with the Mayo's

Top 10 Memories of Christmas with the Mayo's (my side of the family)

10.  The children trying to eat all of the breakfast and leave none for the hungry adults.

9.  Watching my sister's pug (Maggie) go after my neice's pug (Lucy) because Maggie thought the outfit Lucy had on was a toy and she is very jealous about toys.

8.  Driving home in the RV with the wind blowing us all over the road.

7.  Cold, bitter cold.  Hoping for snow.  The howling wind of a blue northern whipping through.

6.  Hanging out with the fam at my brothers.

5.  Sleeping in the RV with Bob, Alex, my nephews and the dogs.  Major rainstorm in the middle of the night.

4.  Alex getting a whip and saying "My girlfriend sure is going to like this."

3.  Cooking in the kitchen with my mom and sister.  Melted butter, not softened butter.

2.  FOOD, FOOD, FOOD

1.  The electricity went out at about 6 pm - just as we were finishing opening our Christmas presents.  Candles and flashlights paved the way to packing up.  Goodbye's in the cold and dark.

Day 52 - Please Pray

I'm thinking of someone who lost her husband over 10 years ago.  Her children are spread out across the United States.  She will spend Christmas Eve with her cat.  Just another day.  Nothing special.  Please say a prayer for her.

I'm thinking of children who know a different Christmas than I know.  There is a lack of presents and an abundance of alcohol and drama.  Someone's going to get hurt - probably them.  Scar on top of scar on top of scar.  Please say a prayer for them.

I'm thinking of someone who has driven everyone away.  She's already shedding tears because there is no one for her for the holidays.  The pain of lonliness is 10-fold at Christmas.   Please say a prayer for her.

Thank you Lord for all of the wonderful people you have put in my life.  Thank you for letting me know your perfect love and the imperfect love of those around me.  Please help me to be a light to those who don't know you.  Help me to really love people simply because you created them and they are special to you. Give me strength to be kind when I would rather not.  Please grant me the patience to serve you instead of myself.  Teach me to love the way you love. 

Day 51 - Winter Began

Yesterday winter began.  My favorite day of the year.  I am one of those people that derives their energy from the sun.  So from this point on through June as each day offers more and more sunlight, my spirits lift.

It's also that perfect day before Christmas.  After the bulk of the preparation is done and before the busyness the last few days bring.  A day of simplicity in a complicated season.  The calm before the storm.  I'm not sure that is the way God intended it but in America's Christmas that is the way it is.

Reflection of the past year and hope for the new one.  This is the year I will ..... (fill in the blank.)  Everything is possible.

Welcome back Winter.

Day 50 - Random

MRI for 30 minutes of the stress test.  Thirty minutes to keep my mind occupied so I would not think about having to be still.  Or the glob in my throat of unswallowed spit.  Or the machine that was awfully close to my face. 

Random thought #1
Addiction sucks.  I have spent several years being addicted to soda.  Not caffeine.  Soda.  Mainly Coke or Dr. Pepper.  I was a moderate user until I became a foster parent.  One little boy that had needs beyond my skills and I chose something to keep me going.  He left, the addiction stayed. 

Now, I have given it up.  It's hard and this may sound crazy, but a little bit lonely.  When I had a hard day, drink a Coke.  When I didn't feel well.  When I got home from school.  When I got up.  When I was celebrating.  The list goes on.  Alex says soda was my booze.  I laughed but the words rang true.

He asked me when would I start drinking soda again.  I said hopefully never.  I can't handle it.  Right now I really miss it.  But I know that desire will fade with time.

Random Thought #2
I got the new Radney Foster CD and it's excellent.  One of the chorus' goes something like this:
If I'm going to play, I'm going to play loud
If I'm going to love, I'm going to love big
I don't want life watered down, I want to drink it strong
Until it's gone

Another reminder that life is messy but living it is worthwhile.

Random Thought #3
I have a saying (I actually have a lot of sayings):  Your strength is your weakness and your weakness is your strength.

My fascination with strangeness, which makes me socially inept at times, also helps me love all the idiosynchrasies in people.  Those things that others find off-putting, I find endearing. 

Day 49 - Paternal Roots Part I

Hazel Marie Lee Mayo.  My grandmother.  Someone who loved me unconditionally.  Someone whose face lit up when I walked through the door.  Someone who saved a piece of chocolate pie for me in a drawer because she knew it was my favorite and didn't want everyone to eat it before I got there.  Someone who snuck me an extra coke (in the bottle) when no one was looking.  Someone who made me a special quilt, different from all the others because I shared her middle name.  I was special to her.

When I think about my grandmother I think about me.  How wonderful I felt to be around her.  How safe I felt.  How loved I felt.  Isn't that the way a grandmother should make you feel?

I have a lot of wonderful memories about my grandmother.  Unlike my Mama who died when I was 8, my dad's mom was alive through my childhood and most of my 20's.  I really got to know her. 

This is my grandmothers life as I know it.  It could have been vastly different from what I remember or from what I have been told.  But this is what I know to be true.

My great-grandfather was a restless man.  Maybe it was the times or maybe it was an unsettledness that raged in his soul.  Whatever the case, he changed jobs frequently and they moved often.  He was a sometimes preacher and sometimes salesman and most likely a sometimes unemployed father of many children.  There were periods of provision and times of want.  My grandmother went hungry and because of this she spent her life battling with food.  She had bulimia.

Grandmother (she hated being called grandma) married Hardy P. Mayo when she was in her early 20's.  He was quite the catch.  His family had land and cash during the depression.  Not a tremendous amount to where they would be called wealthy but enough that they didn't suffer and were considered well-off.  My grandmother was drawn to the stability that money can provide.  I'm sure she loved my grandpa but when you've done without, survival instinct is the strongest instict of all. 

Grandpa made good on his promise.  He was a provider.  Trained as a banker in the late 1920's he had to make an abrupt career change after the depression.  It left an indelible mark on him.  Although he always had plenty, he was guarded with his money - just in case.

From all accounts my grandpa was a fun guy with lots of friends (more about him in another post).  He was also spoiled.  He liked to have his way, as do most people.  The problem was that his way was given to him so often that he believed he was entitled to it.  He loved my grandmother but he was always first. 

They raised 5 children together.  My grandmother was a softy, showing her children the same love and attention that she gave me.  My grandpa was hard as stone.  Maybe harder.  He simply didn't like the tomfoolery of children.  They were afraid of him.  They avoided him.  They loved him and hated him all at the same time.  This friction caused scars in all of them and my grandmother as well.  She tried to make it better but he was bigger and stronger and at that time that was the way with men and women.  Because of this my grandmother had "nerves" and pills to help when things went too far out of control.

Since my grandpa's family was a founding member of the community they lived in my grandmother had a reputation to keep up and this suited her just fine.  I think those years of uncertainty made her latch on to being a pillar in the community.  She was in garden club and Daughters of the American Revolution and other important things like that.  She dressed the part.  I loved to play with her hats, scarves, gloves and jewelry.  Her home though simple, was always beautifully decorated and clean.  I never once remember seeing her house dirty.  She had a lot of friends and I loved to go with her to the beauty shop where they would gossip as if I wasn't there. 

My grandmother died in her 80's.  Years before that she had began to wane in body and spirit.  That is the grandmother my sister knows because she came along later.  I could write a million more things about her.  I think about Hazel Marie more at Christmas than any other time of the year.  She loved this holiday.  I loved her.

Day 48 - Medicine

For years I have taken two monthly medications.  Advair for asthma prevention.  Nasonex to prevent nasal polyps and avoid a 4th nasal surgery.  I also have allergy medicine (prescription strength) as needed and an inhaler for my asthma.

Then there have been all of the antibiotics for sinus infections and the like.  Pain medications following the multiple surgeries.  And now I have added Lipitor to hopefully keep me alive long enough to enjoy retirement and grandchildren.

My monthly tab on the regulars = 85 dollars.  That's my part of the co-pay.  Our budget for my yearly medication is about 1500 dollars.  Amazing.

Tonight I went to a party with my friends and took a medication that really is a miracle drug.  It heals depression and lonliness and even gives you an energy boost you wouldn't beleive.  What is truly amazing about this medicine is that it is free.  Drug companies are going to do everything in their power to get rid of it.

It's laughter.  No matter what your day feels like, how much you have to do, how bad or tired you feel, laughter makes it all better even if only for a moment.  It really is the best medicine.

Day 47 - Crash

I have crashed.  I soon will be asleep.  Only my desire to post every day that I have access to a computer has caused me to stay up an extra 10 minutes and write.

It happened at 12:30 pm today.  Crash.  Body yelling - stop, rest, quit, go to sleep, do not pass go, do not collect $200, just crash.

Seven hours past and I've been running on fumes and they are now sputtering.

See you tomorrow.

Day 46 - Vision

I have always had the ability to plan well.  It's the way my brain works.  Take in information, anaylze it and organize it.  And while I can focus and have direction, I have never had vision.

I think too small.  Alex told me this about homework.  He said I worry too much about the details and not enough about the big picture.  Homework is insignificant.  He's going to be the boss, other people will do his work for him.  He's probably right about being the boss and probably right about me too.

I do get bogged down in the details.  It's what makes me a good planner.  No stone left unturned.  It also limits my vision. 

It is my good fortune that I work with someone who has vision.  Incredible vision.  Bust open your brain vision.  And I think it is beginning to rub off on me.

I have at times this year stressed and felt a little guilty about spending less time focusing on my teaching  and more time focusing on a broader plan for helping struggling students.  And then it dawned on me.  For the first three years of teaching I focused on being a really good medication for learning influenza.  Perfecting my effectiveness.  Now I'm morphing into a vaccine.  With hopes of one day irradicating the need for any child to be left behind or pulled away.  I'm still in the development process and working out the kinks.  There are undesirable side effects.  But when the transition is complete the impact will be far greater.  That kind of sounds like vision.

Day 45 - Blank

Today I have writer's block.  First time on this project.  Maybe I'm just too tired to think.  Woke up at 3 am and never went back to sleep.  Busy day at work.  Busy day at home.

I wonder if this is what happens to our students sometimes.  All that life drama that needs to come out gets trapped in a tired and weary 4th grader. Can't find their voice. 

Maybe they have a story in them and don't know how to tell it.  Maybe they won't be able to tell it until they are 43.

Day 44 - Christmas Wishes

What I really want for Christmas

I want people to quit abusing and neglecting their children

I want everyone to have enough to eat and a warm and safe place to sleep at night

I want everyone to have someone to love and for them to be loved by someone

I want for people to think the best about others instead of thinking the worst

I want people to grant forgiveness (even when it is not deserved)

I want people to work hard and take pride in the job they do

I want people to do what is right instead of what they can get away with


I want people to really listen

I want people to help each other out and expect nothing in return

I want people to be kind and patient

Day 43 - Monday

Monday is a crazy day.  Even when it is easy it is crazy.  It's the jolt of the transition from being on your own time to being on someone else's time.

Best laid plans.  Monday takes that vision you have for the week and tweaks it with reality. 

Lesson plans that go perfectly in your mind don't go so perfectly in the Monday brain of a child.

Patience can be thin.

Dinner becomes sandwiches instead of swiss steak. 

Time to relax is stolen by obligations that always take longer than anticipated.

I like Mondays.  They are honest. 

Day 42 - Exhausted

My Christmas shopping is done.  Finished except for the wrapping.

I did about 42 chores this weekend.  My house is still not clean but it is much closer than when the weekend began. 

I worked hard and didn't spend a lot of time relaxing, other than Friday night.

Paying back all that slacker time when I didn't take care of business.

Preparing so that later I won't have Christmas shopping and 42 chores.

Simplicity requires intermittent hard work. 

Day 41 - What comes in

I think one of the simplest ways to simplify your life is to simplify what comes into your home. 

Here are some questions I ask myself off and on to try to limit overconsumption.

FOOD
Will I eat it this week?  I live within 2 miles of about 6 grocery stores.  They can serve as my pantry.  I don't need to stock up.  In fact, stocking up can clutter up things to the point where I can't find what I have.  If there is a great sale, I might buy some extra but I have learned not to over do it.  I do make an exception for toilet paper (due to psychological scars from childhood.)

Will my schedule allow me to prepare this?  How many times have I thrown away food because I got too busy to cook it.  Elaborate meals aren't feasible for the week.  I'm not going to get up and prepare anything for my lunch.  I should never go to the grocery store unless my kitchen is clean because I am much more likely to cook with a clean kitchen.  Who wants to wash dishes before meal prep? 

CLOTHES, ETC.

Do I need it?  Maybe the better question is how much do I NOT need it.  I do not need another tank top undershirt.  I have at least 30.  Just because I see a cute purple one and don't have a purple one doesn't mean I need to buy another one.  I am trying to not buy things that I'm not even close to needing.

Do I want it?  Have you ever bought something, brought it home and then wonder why you got it?  If I don't like it, chances are I'm not going to get good use out of it.  I will wear it a few times out of obligation, but then I will find many reasons never to put it on.

Will I wear it?  I bought a crazy multi color shirt dress a couple of years ago that was quite expensive because for a moment I wanted to be one of those people that would actually wear something like that.  I will not wear it.  I will look at it and say things like, if I had different parents I could put that on and feel totally comfortable.  I will try it on occasionally and pretend like I might wear it but I will change before I actually go out.

Does it fit?  Ever bought something that is the size you plan to be in 6 months?  I have smalls with the tags still on them.  I have been a medium for 4 years.  There is no logic to this.  I see something cute and its on a great sale and I just know when I am a size 4 again it will look great.  Well everything looks good on you when you are a size 4.  But what are the odds that I will be a size 4 again without a terminal illness?

If I were Bob I would have a section here about vehicles, but I'm not so I will leave that to him and his blog.

Day 40 - It's all good

One Christmas party, two margaritas, my husband and my friends - I'm feeling great.  I actually had fun.  Relaxed, not worried about what I need to do or how dirty the house is.  Just enjoyed the company of my co-workers and had fun.

Came home with some Starbucks's biscotti and gift card. 

Lessons planned for next week.

Alex at Boy Scout Camp.

Warm bed waiting.

Good night.

Day 39 - I'm working it out

Somehow, through choices of my own accord, I am here.  You know where here is if you've been reading along.  This was not my intended destination.  I did not have a goal to end up tired, chunky and either unable or unwilling to do a good job at home and work.

I always tell my kids that you can make a situation better or worse.  I have made things worse.  But, now I am really working to make them better and because of this a huge load has been lifted. 

Going down a road that you know is destructive is defeating.  It's like watching yourself hurt yourself, knowing it's not okay and continuing on.  Feeling no power to stop yourself.  Telling yourself that tomorrow will be different, yet continuing to walk down that road.

That road was not leading me to where I want to be.  I'm not sure which road will.  I'm not sure anymore what my goal is.  I know I need to figure that out.  I know I need God to show me. 

By the way, day 2 with no soda. 

Day 38 - Check

Unless things really break down in the next 2 hours and I lose all self-control I will have gone a full day without a soda.  I have the headache to prove it.  Check.

I also picked up my prescription for Lipitor, which I swore I would die first before taking.  I might have died first but I decided to take it until I get my act together and can manage my cholesterol with diet and exercise.

I'm about to go walk my dogs. 

Watch out.  Before you know it I will be eating vegan, attending yoga conferences in cool places like Telluride and using only homeopathic medicinal treatments.

Oh wait, one step at a time.  Let's start with 2 days of no soda.

Day 37 - Time to get Serious

Do I sound like a broken record?  Time to get serious.  A million starts.

It is serious.  As my doctor said today, I'm 44, out of shape, overweight, and with a cholesterol over 300, plaque is building up in my arteries.  If I don't change, bad things are likely to happen.

Chest pains, tingling jaw, pain shooting up my neck, lethargy.  These are already common.  What's next?

I feel like I have let myself down.  Missing out.  Too tired to do things that matter, that add meaning to my life.

I feel like I have let my family down.  Not there.  Sitting in front of a television.  Going to bed early.  Too tired to participate.  Too tired to cook a decent meal.   Too tired to take care of you the way I promised.

I feel like I have let my co-workers and students down.  Missing work.  Not 100%.  Things on the list not getting done.  Lesson plans that are mediocre.  Reports that I pass off to someone else.

I feel like I have let God down.  Not reading my Bible.  Not going to church. 

Okay, I'll stop the self-pity.  That won't get me anywhere. 

I'm far enough gone that this path way back to being healthy is going to hurt.  It will be painful emotionally and physically.  But I don't want to just give up and slip into middle aged decline. 

It's time to get serious.

It's time to fight for myself.

Day 36 - Denial

Back in the day when I was a working Dietitian I was always amazed by people with Diabetes.  They could be in the hospital, two days past a foot amputation and still eating as much sugar as they could get and assuring everyone who would listen that they really didn't have Diabetes, it was just a foot infection.  Denial.  So powerful.  So dangerous.

Yet here I am with heart issues and acting like everything is okay.  My total cholesterol is close to 300 and my LDL is 200 - DANGEROUS.  When I had chest pains and went to the ER 2 years ago the EKG showed that at some time I had had a mild heart attack.  My doctor has wanted me on cholesterol lowering medication for years.  I keep putting it off.  I know that I need to lose weight and start exercising.  I keep putting it off. 

So today all day I have been having chest pains.  In my mind I know it is not normal, but I keep rationalizing that it can't be a heart issue.  I"m 44.  It's probably heartburn.  Maybe I pulled a muscle.  Tonight Bob comes home and suggests Koppe Bridge.  I have a hamburger and fries for dinner.

I'm sure there is some pyschological term for people who live in denial.  But I don't want to know.  I don't have time to worry about why my chest keeps tightening.  I have too much to do.  Or maybe I have too much to do because I don't want to worry about it. 

Day 35 - Homeless

I haven't been to church since summer.  Every Sunday and often on other days I feel - homeless.  There have been other periods of time that I did not attend church, but those times were because I just didn't want to go.

It is hard for me to stay in God's word when I am not in His church.  I'm very hit or miss.  And His word is what feeds the Holy Spirit and guides us to be in His will instead of our own.  God clearly states in His word the importance of church.  And by church I mean worship with other believers.

I have taken this time away to be sure that I have clarity when I choose another church.  I have left 3 churches in my adult life for reasons of human nature creating an environment within the church that was clearly against God's teaching. 

In one church several elders accused a music minister of inappropriate behavior with a child because they wanted him gone and had not been able to get rid of him any other way.  When the authorities decided to investigate this man, they recanted the accusations.  They were willing to lie to get rid of him but not to send him to jail.  He had already left and the church was divided. 

The second church I left allowed a parent to stay in a children's leadership role after she failed to protect her own child.  Her husband sexually abused her daughter (his step-daughter) and went to jail for a year and half.  When he was released, she allowed him back home.  Since he was not allowed to be in the same home as her daughter, she sent her daughter to live with a relative.  I taught this girl in Sunday School and it broke both her heart and mine.

The last church I left sent out a missive that unless you were willing to come to 90% of church services, meet weekly in a small group, serve on at least 2 weekly ministry committees and give a minimum of 10% of your salary you needed to find another church.  The pastor said in his letter that if people didn't leave voluntarily he would start asking people to leave.  I left voluntarily and knew that even if I met all of those criteria I could not be a part of a church that made people feel so unwelcome. 

Is it me?  Do I expect too much?  I know that all churches are administered by humans and humans are fallible.  Churches are not perfect and never will be. Scandals aren't that uncommon.  Maybe it is my all or nothing personality.  I can stick with flawed people but why can't I stick with a flawed church?  Should you stick with a church that is so flawed?

I just know that I can't really move forward until this is settled.  I need to find a church home.  I need to be in God's word and I need to be following His direction instead of trying to find my way in the dark.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Day 34 - Unconventional

You know that chip that everyone has embedded into their brain that allows them to pick up on social cues and norms and adjust their behavior accordingly?  The one that keeps society intact.  I don't have one that functions very well.  I know about it because I see it in others. 

I have always been different, eccentric, unusual.  It is what people find endearing about me and what drives them away. 

At times in my life when being different was painful I wanted to be normal.  For the most part I have learned to accept that this is just who I am.  And because I am this way I really appreciate the strange parts of people.  I find those qualities endearing.

This makes it easy for me to teach Special Education where many of my students have been far off the "normal" track.  I love them for their differentness and they know it and feel accepted. 

So I would like to take time to thank my husband (who married me because he thought I marched to the beat of a different drummer) and my family and friends for accepting me and my unconventional ways.

Day 33 - Unplanned

Sometimes the best evenings are unplanned.  Actually, I had plans.  I was planning to come home and relax and make crepes for a bridal shower tomorrow.  Read my People magazine.  Go out to eat with the family.  Watch some TV and go to bed early.

But, today Charlene asked if I would watch her young son so she and her mom could go to the movie.  And I said yes.  No thinking about it.  No seeing if it would work out, just yes.

All within 5 minutes we got home, Bob got home and they came to drop Tyler off.  He cried for the first 45 minutes.  I made one-handed chili while I held him. Bob, two of his brothers, Alex, Tyler and I moved the RV (without the help of an engine.)  We ate dinner and laughed at Tyler as he tried to mimic them playing peek-a-boo.  I mixed a batch of crepes and tried to keep him out of the dogfood which was ever so fascinating.

Then Tyler and I sat in the recliner and watched the best parts of Dirty Dancing.  He held his sippy cup of milk and a wooden spoon with a death grip. 

After he left, I went to the store and it was cold and quiet out.  Came home to find Bob in bed and Alex asleep in the recliner.  Made the crepes.  Now it is time to read a little and go to bed.  Content.  Everything got done that needed to get done.  We laughed and enjoyed the happiness that a small child who still can marvel at the littlest things can bring. 

Day 32 - Family vs. Job

Have you ever felt like your family is interfering with your ability to get your job done (or done well) and that your job is interfering with you properly taking care of your family?

My husband says its that good old German guilt passed down for generations.  He's probably right. 

As mentioned before I tend to be more of an all or nothing kind of person.  Balance is something I work towards but it isn't something that just comes naturally.  I don't always know how to be both a good wife and mother and a good teacher.

I'm trying.  I am beginning to realize that some days I will be stronger than others.  Some days the fam will have to be the priority and sometimes the job can be the priority and that's okay.  I'm learning not to feel so much guilt for not being able to perfectly manage my life.  I'm learning that guilt has the potential to ruin both experiences.  I'm learning.

Day 31 - Natures Sedative

Cold weather, short days, cloudy skies.  There is really no choice but to curl up under the blanket, get a cup of hot chocolate and read a book.

Day 30 - Open

I have been reading Andre Aggasi's autobiography - Open.  It is the right book for me at the right time.  I won't spoil it for you but he writes the real story (as well as any person can tell their own real story.)  The behind the scenes story.  What we saw as the public, what was really going on.

This resonates with me.  Probably for everyone.  I have known few people who live completely authentic lives.  We live behind smoke and mirrors that we create to be a more pallitable version of ourselves.  So much subterfuge to keep track of.  My sister and I always talk about what someone's story is.  The back story.  We have our own back story and most of it will never be told.

I learned this the hard way as a foster parent.  Going to a clinic with a sick child and being made to wait for hours because the nurse saw my address and was furious that I had a medicaid card.  She tried to humiliate and belittle me and then when she realized I was a foster parent she broke down and apologized profusely for misjudging me. 

At school.  Watching a teacher deny a child a chance to go on a field trip for not trying on the TAKS test.  The only child left behind in an entire grade.  A child that could not read the TAKS test because no one had taught her to read and had assumed her scores were poor because of her behavior.  Behavior brought on by unspeakable acts perpetrated against an innocent. 

Everyone has a story.  I have tried to spend time getting to know people instead of judging them or creating my own story for their life.  But, I fail.  Sometimes I need to be reminded how important it is to listen to someone, give them the benefit of the doubt and pray for them.  Thanks for the reminder Andre.

Day 29 - Progress

It's not much, but its something to me. 

I'm drinking less soda.

I've made a few healthy meals.

I'm getting more done at work and at home.

The whole family went for a walk tonight.

The lasagna garden is coming along.

I'm not feeling so stressed out.

I'm not so angry.

I'm not buying as much stuff.

I'm enjoying things more.

I'm thankful.

Day 28 - Maternal Roots Part I

I am named after both of my grandmothers.  Alberta Eugenia Schulke Rogers and Hazel Marie Lee Mayo.  This always made me feel special - connected. 

My mother's mother was born to German immigrants.  German was their primary language.  My mother tells stories about dinner time at her grandparents house.  The men ate first and visited as long as they cared to. When they were finished the children ate and finally the women.  This helps explain my grandparents marriage and my mom's and perhaps mine.

Mama as we called her, grew up in a family with some means (land) and after high school she went away to attend nursing school.  She was engaged to a service man, but when he returned he had a wife and it wasn't her.  She eventually had to drop out of school to take care of her ailing father.  Although she didn't bemoan this, it was clear that education was very important to her.

She married my Papa when she was 24 (practically an old maid in those days.)  They didn't tell her parents that they were married at first.  I believe she continued to live at home until they worked up the nerve to divulge their secret.  She was probably pregnant by that point.

My Papa was probably not the man they wished for her to marry.  He was uneducated.  As child #4 out of 19 he dropped out of school by 3rd grade to help support the family.  He couldn't read, but he knew how to work.  He was also divorced.  I don't know the circumstances but he walked out on his first wife when she was pregnant with their fourth child.  No matter how bad it was, it's hard to spin a story to account for that. He went to Colorado to search for gold.  He didn't find it.  When he came back, he met my grandmother.

Together they had 6 children and my mother was the second of those.  They lived on 36 acres of land provided by my Mama's parents.  They had food and shelter and lots of love, but there was little money for anything else.  They were poor and the ache of that has only left my mother in recent years.  My mother grew up working in cotton fields in the summer.  As the oldest girl, she bore a great deal of the responsibility of caring for the younger children.  When my Aunt Rita was born, my mother was 5, but that baby was her responsibility.  To this day my mother is both sister and mother to Rita.

There were two women in my mother's life that had a great impact on her.  The first was the school librarian who made sure she had books to read, even in the summer.  Reading was my mother's escape.  She loved her family, but life was hard and that produced many battles between her parents.  Books took her away.  My mother instilled that love of books in both my sister and I.  The second influential person was a woman who picked my mom up every Sunday and took her to church.  It would be years before she became a Christian, but this woman planted the seed.

What I remember most about my Mama was that she was always struggling to breathe and she could cook.  I got my asthma from her.  There was always a big garden out in the fields and that's where most of the vegetable for meals came from.  They also had a milk cow and animals that were slaughtered for meat.  In later years Mama bought chicken from the store but she was no stranger to grabbing a chicken from the yard, wringing and chopping off its neck, taking off the feathers and frying it up for dinner.  Mama always seemed kind of sad to me.  Maybe she was worn out.  She died when she was 61 years old from Congestive Heart Failure. 

My Papa worked his fields and others when he needed too.  I remember him with a chew in his mouth and dominoes or cards in his hand and a beer never far away.  He was a people person and what he lacked in education and sophistication, he made up for in personality.  He was a survivor.  He always seemed to be happy.  He didn't have to worry.  Mama did enough of that for both of them.

These are my people.  And their strengths and weaknesses are woven into my own.  I loved them and remember them often, sometimes with joy and sometimes with pain. 

Day 27 - I can't get no...

Overall, I have had a very happy life.  A blessed life.  I just have a hard time being satisfied.  I'm always looking for more.  Not necessarily more stuff just more satisfaction.  I am always analyzing how things went down and how I could have done better. 

It's a contradiction.  I can be pleased with how things turn out and at the same time disatisfied with the imperfections that limit me.  I know that God does not expect perfection.  That's why he sent His son.  He forgives much easier than I do.

People that I work with always think I am calm and patient and level-headed.  I guess I am these things.  I also have a whole internal city of emotions and thoughts that are not always in concert with my exterior.  Another contradiction.

I am complicated.  A complicated person desiring more simplicity and yet courting more complications all of the time.  Another contradiction.

Day 26 - Shopping

I shopped for about 5 hours today.  Don't have a heart attack, it wasn't 5 hours straight.  I shopped for a while, then came home for a while and then back out. 

I employed my Dad's shopping strategy - go and just look and if something strikes you as being right for someone, buy it.  Of course, some years you would get many gifts from my Dad and some you would get none.  I found about 75 things for Bridget (kindred spirit so they were really things I wanted) but I refrained from buying them.  My son might not understand why Bridget got 75 gifts and he got none.

Usually I spend several weeks making a list of people and the perfect gift for each one.  Then I go out and try to find that perfect gift I imagined.  This can be a painstaking operation.  Dad's way is much simpler.  Less stressful.  More fun. 

I didn't go to any of the chain stores besides Barnes & Noble (which is really more like my second home than a store.)  I hit local stores and they were busy but not crowded.  I always feel better knowing I helped a local merchant. 

I have about 75% of my shopping complete - in just 5 hours.  Christmas is already looking up.

Day 26 - Other Goals

Five Things I've Wanted to Do for a While:

1.  Write a book  (I have purchased 2 different versions of Writer's Market over the years.  I've had ideas bottled up for years and now all of a sudden they are starting to flow out of me.  Thanks Kellie)

2.  Work in an orphanage in Mexico (this is a retirement goal)

3.  Learn to speak Spanish fluently (with a little bit of a Texas drawl)

4.  Travel one summer with the sole purpose of eating wonderful food all along the way (there's a place in Ben Loman, CA that I have to go back to)

5.   Become a vegetarian (probably after the summer of eating)

Day 26 - Persistence

Last Thursday I once again listed the goals from day 1 and no I still have not met them.  I am not discouraged.  Discouraged would be me ignoring that I had those goals, changing goals, changing the subject, listing all the reasons why I cannot meet those goals.

I will meet these goals because I am determined to.  Persistence.  It's required if you want to change.  I tell my students that the road to success is paved with faillure.  Mistakes are learning opportunities and when we are afraid to make a mistake, we become stagnant and limit our ability to grow. Then why do I quit so easily?

Not this time.  I may accomplish these goals this week or it may take me many weeks, but I will reach them. 

Day 25 - Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving.  I spent all day today being thankful.  When the motor home wouldn't start, I was thankful that we had another vehicle to take to Mom's.  When the oven accidentally got turned off I was thankful that we had electricity and could turn it back on.  When I started missing Alex, I was thankful that he will come home on Sunday.  Spending a day being thankful is a happy day. 

Day 24 - Cleaning out the Closet

My blog - 365 days to a simpler life. I have started numerous journals for this very purpose.  I always fizzle out.  That's why I now have a blog.  It's out there for everyone to see.  Something I feel accountable to.  I can't simply rip out the pages and burn them when my attempts at improvement fail.

January 2004
Goals I am working on (not really resolutions)
1.  Be healthy - eat right and exercise
2.  Spend wisely or save wisely
3.  Complete my MS by August 2004
4.  Finish house projects by June 2004
5.  Get a job - March or after - maybe wait until goals 3&4 are accomplished

April 2005
I have been living in two categories:  1) trying to be perfect, 2) not trying at all

November 2005
I choose
1.  A personal relationship with God
2.  Consuming nourishing and delicious foods
3.  Telling the absolute truth
4.  Treating every person I come in contact with, with respect
5.  Honoring my committments
6.  Finishing what I start
7.  Learning new things and developing new skills

October 2007
I am beginning to realize that I have worked myself into a place that is barren and not condusive to life.  Not the life God wants for me or one I want for myself.  I am physically unfit.  I have become the weakly sick person I hoped to never become.  More and more medicine and it doesn't work.  Can I will myself to be healthy?  Will God make me healthy or is this physical frailty a sign that my life is not right - that I need to look at what God expects and not the world - simplify.  Can I simplify?  Can I develop the discipline to have a healthier life?  Do I want it bad enough or is this the beginning of a weak life - counting time.  Lord, please help me.

January 2008
Philosphically I am convinced that self-denial (discipline) is necessary for true happiness.  It seems like the opposite would be true - give yourself only what you want and only what you want and you will be satisfied.  But, there is NO satisfaction or sense of accomplishment in doing only those things that require no effort.
And while I hold this belief, I do not live it.  I do not deny my physical appetites for food, sleep and rest.  I buy things I do not need and sometimes, even things I do not really want.  I choose leisure over productivity and bemoan the consequences of my own decisions.  I live in the frustration of desiring results that require an effort I am not willing to put forth.

My journal entries are all either full of hope for change or full of despair.  All or none.  So me.  My friend says that she journals when the emotion of her life overflows and cannot be contained within the confines of herself.  She stops when life returns to a manageable level.  Maybe this is what I have done. 

So, to be on day 24 is quite an accomplishment for me.  It's MUCH messier than I thought it would be.  I wanted for people to see me steadily moving toward my idea of what life should be like.  Instead I keep finding that I have a lot of junk to clean out before I get to that point. 

Day 23 - Excuses

Excuses sabatoge dreams.  They are the little devil sitting on your left shoulder telling you you can't do it.  It's too hard.  I don't have enough energy.  I deserve some me time.  I don't feel good.  I didn't sleep well.  I had a hard day at work.  Tomorrow. 

It's amazing how when I hear someone else give an excuse I easily recognize it for what it is.  When I have an excuse it just seems more - real. 

I wonder if I quit making excuses if my life would be simpler.  I wonder if I would get healthier and be more productive.  I wonder if I would feel less guilt.  I wonder if some of the dreams I have been dreaming would come true.

Day 22 - What I Want

Many years ago at Christmas time I asked my neices to make a list and send it to me.  Adrienne's list had about 10 items on it of typical teenage stuff.  Amy's list was about 4 pages long and contained over 100 items with detail about each one.  I beleive one of the items was a puppy.  How exactly did she plan for me to mail that?  But, April had one thing on her list - she wanted Bob and I to come to California to spend Christmas with her.

After that my list started changing.  I started wanting fewer things and more meaning. My desire at Christmas changed from what I would get to what I would give.  To this day I cannot think about Christmas presents without remembering the heart of a girl and the profound affect that her simple request had on me.  I cannot make a Christmas list.  Ask my mom, I think it drives her crazy. 

When I start to think of what I will get someone it is very personal and often unusual.  One year we made all of our Christmas gifts.  It was supposed to return us to the simplicity of giving.  For me it was a nightmare because lets face it, I am NOT crafty.  I spent 4 days and $60 making tie-dyed sheets that I could have spent 30 minutes and $30 to buy.   Last year I gave experiences.  I loved doing that and the best part was the spending time together. 

This year I have been dreading Christmas.  Another obligation.  More things to add to the to do list.  And then I started to remember how my dad would take my brother and I shopping on December 23.  We would get up early and head out of town.  It was exciting.  The shelves would be empty and we would have to dig through stuff and find gifts for people on our list.  The joy in finding the perfect gift among all of the chaos.  Then home to wrap up our great finds.

If I wasn't trying so hard to be honest I would say something profound here about the real purpose of Christmas.  I know that Christmas is about Christ and the gift that God gave the world.  I know this but I do not always feel this.  Sometimes Christmas feels like an excuse to overconsume.  Sometimes it feels empty.  Sometimes it feels forced. 

What I want this year is for Christmas to be Christmas.  A season of focusing on what people mean to me and not what the perfect gift will be.  A season for me to focus on the real gifts that we give others - time, patience, forgiveness, love, respect.  I'm sure I will do some gift buying.  I just hope that I find time to relax and enjoy this special time of year.

Day 21 - Clarification

In the title line of my blog I ask for you to follow along for a year as I journey towards simplifying my life.  Problem.  I have been confusing simplification with a simple life.

I can't have a simple life.  Let me restate.  I can't have a simple life and live the life I believe God has called me to.  I can't live a simple life and raise my son and someone else's son at the same time.  I can't live a simple life and work at a school where there are more spiritual, physical and educational needs than are imaginable.  I can't live a simple life and make a difference in the life of others. 

A simple life requires selfishness.  I am selfish.  I am also unselfish.  I want to be more unselfish, not more selfish.

So goodbye simple life.  You are not for me.  My conscience would not be satisfied.  I have seen the dark side of life and I can't walk away from trying to make things better. 

That being said I do believe that I can simplify my complicated life.  I can do things that better prepare me to live a complicated life.  I can make changes that give me more energy.  I can systemize.  I can ask for help.  I can learn to trust God more and worry less. 

Day 20 - Later

I was very excited to post today.  It's Saturday and I wanted to write a long and thorough post about composting and my roots.  About my grandparents and what I learned from them and how I yearn to return to some of that.  But, I am tired and so that post will have to wait for another day when I can do it justice.

Today my son turned 12.  So fast.  Just like that he is 12.  I cooked dinner and he is having a sleepover.  There won't be many more of these.  I asked him if I slept all day could we pretend that he is still 11.  He wishes he was a teenager.  I wish he was 6 again. 

So Alex, my hope for you for year 12 is that you know how much I love you.  That when I make you do your homework you know it is because I love you.  When I give you consequences, I love you.  When I hold you accountable, I love you.  When we get silly and make each other laugh uncontrolably, I love you.  When I worry about you, I love you.  When I  check up on you, I love you.  When I tuck you in at night (please don't let this stop), I love you.  When I let 3 of your wild and crazy friends over to celebrate your day, I love you.

Day 19 - Quiet

It's raining.  It's Friday night.  I have walked the dogs, Alex is with his mom and Bob is asleep.  It's quiet.  

Sometimes, when it is too quiet, it feels lonely or boring.

But, sometimes, when you are satisfied with your day and tired enough that thoughts are not racing through your mind, quiet is perfect. 

Thank you Lord for quiet.  For moments of repreive.  For rest.

Day 18 - Time to Change

Okay.  I have admitted my need to simplify my life (about 10 years ago.)  I started a blog to talk about it (about 2 weeks ago.)  My support system is in place.  I have a goal.

Now it's time to actually start changing.  I've been talking about it for years.  I can talk forever about just about anything.  This is a topic that I have spent a good deal of time researching, thinking about and talking about.  I could talk beyond forever about it.

The time has come to actually change.  Ouch.  I just felt the bandaid rip off and it took a bunch of hair with it. 

This is not going to be easy.  It will involve some discipline to break bad habits.  It will take some suffering to give up things I have become accustomed to (soda) and replace with things that are better for me.  This will take a committment, not just words. 

So, I revisit the list from week 1. 

1.  Go one day without soda.

2.  Walk 5 miles over the week.

3.  Speak only kind words for 1 full day.

4.  Read my Bible every day.

Here's the kicker.  I need to do these things with a willing heart for change.  Not just so I can check them off my list. 

Please pray for me. 

Day 17 - Organization

I have always had an organized mind.  Logically I would only put something in one of five places so it it difficult for me to lose something.  I used to be an organized person, but something has happened.

Is it hormones?  I have read (of course) that as you approach menopause you go crazy and have no memory to speak of.  Actually, this sounds a lot like puberty.  Oh, poor Bob.  He's getting it from two ends of the spectrum.  I've always been crazy but I once had a memory.  Lack of could definetly be affecting my organization skills.

Is it laziness?  Extra pounds, extra years, extra bad habits.  Have I lost that work ethic that used to come so natural?  Am I slipping into that zone where soon I quit shaving my underarms because it's too much work and not because I want to look the part of the savvy environmentalist?  Oh no, I may already be there. 

Is it not enough time?  Am I too busy doing other things that are more necessary or more fun than staying organized?  Like SST, TLT, GLP, STI?

Have I lost my OCD?  I used to clean out my drawers every month.  My space might be messy but I couldn't stop until the innards were immaculate.  I don't worry about that stuff anymore.  Actually I do but not to the degree that I used to.  I mean all of my shelves at work are coded by subject.  And I have reading seperated into phonics, sight word and comprehension resources.  And all of my books are leveled before they are put on the shelf.  And addition is together, subtraction and so on.  And my paper is seperated into card stock, white, colored, construction, etc.  But, I do have a big pile of mess on my desk that needs to be organized.

All I know is I have to find a way to change the trajectory of my organizational skills before I become a complete and total slob and never find my way out.

Day 16 - 44

Every night when I tuck my son into bed I ask him what his favorite part of the day was, least favorite and his hope for tomorrow.  So I thought on this day, my 44th birthday I would answer those questions for this past year. 

My favorite part of 43 = having many people in my life to love

My least favorite part of 43 = wasting time on things that didn't matter

My hope for 44 = living a more purposeful life and learning to really appreciate my many blessings

P.S.  Thanks mom and dad.

Day 15 - Thankfulness

I had a dream last night.  I dreamed that I went to work and had no responsibilities.  I had no students.  I did not go to any meetings.  No one asked me for my advice.  Everybody else was busy and doing this and that and I just walked around the school (the new school) and did nothing.

It was horrible.  It was so empty.  I hated it. 

It reminded me of how much I love all of those things that complicate my life. 

I am thankful that I have a job that I love.  I can't think of one student that I wouldn't miss if they quit coming to my class.  In fact there are many others I wish I had time for.  I like digging and searching for that magic that will turn them on to learning and success.  I want to be that teacher that they tell their children about.  The one who believed in them and loved them and gave them snacks and taught them how to read and love books. 

And I love being a part of the solution.  Putting my head together with others who have a desire to make our school better.  Others who are willing to commit extra time and energy.  Others who struggle too with a heavy workload and keep going because its really the only choice.  Others who pick up my slack when I am down and whose slack I pick up when they are down.  My team.  My friends.

My job is not perfect.  It never will be.  I didn't even want to be a teacher.  I felt a calling to be a teacher.  I said no to God for 2 years because I didn't want to be a teacher.  And finally I said yes.  I traded a part-time job that paid very well for teaching.  It was crazy.  I will never regret it.  It is what I am meant to do.  Even when it is hard and I am tired it is what I am meant to do. 

Day 14 - Ownership

I am an owner.  Sometimes I feel like a 2 year old shouting "mine" everytime someone comes near or threatens my territory.  Ownership is good when you want to take pride in something, commit to it and do a good job.  Ownership is damaging when you can't share or think you are the only one who can do something.

If you asked me what I collect I would say nothing.  But what I really collect is responsibility.  I collect things to be in charge of.  Problems to solve.  People to fix.  Tasks that I think only I can do well.  Ideas. 

Control freak?  Yes.  OCD?  Yes.  Well intentioned?  Yes.

I am not in control of the world.  Say that again.  I am not in control of the world.  I say that God is in control.  I act like I am in control.

I see how this drives people both towards and away from me. 

All of these years I kept thinking that giving up things like nail polish, only shaving once a week and planting a garden would simplify my life.  Now I am beginning to see that I have to let go of some of this control if I want my life to be simple. 

Day 13 - Caught

These are my jobs at work

1.  Teach students from Regular Education and Life Skills in a small group setting (= 9 students)

2.  Teach 4th and 5th grade Dyslexia students in a pull-out (=14 students)

3.  Add one in who needs an extra dose of TLC and many doses of reading instruction (=1 student)

4.  Assess, document, teach, document, assess, document, etc. 

5.  Develop individualized plans for 9 students that cover their gaps and are TEKS based

5.  23 individual progress reports each 6 weeks

6.  Plan individualized lessons for 10 different groups 4 days a week

7.  Guide 5 Kindergarten teachers to teaching 80% of their students to read on a .8 level by May

8.  Develop a student from Texas A&M as a teacher

9.  Evaluate and offer guidance to 5 Kindergarten teachers

10.  Work with the leadership team to develop and implement short and long range plans that will produce successful students

11.  Attend many meetings and trainings

12.  Stay apprised of the SPED and Dyslexia guidelines that change on a yearly basis and communicate these to all staff on campus

13.  Serve on SST and problem solve how to help teachers implement interventions that will help struggling students

14.  Research the most effective ways to teach

15.  Develop a campus improvement plan for PBMAS and educate the staff on the plan

It feels better to put it down.  It validates why I feel overwhelmed.  The problem is, I don't want to change one of these responsibilities except for the parts involving paperwork.  I like writing, but I HATE paperwork. 

I like having a job that is varied.  I like problem solving.  But, I am 43 and not 23 and there is only so much energy.

This year I have become less effective because I have stretched myself too thin.  I am not doing things to the level of proficiency that I feel comfortable with.  I have to ask for help.  I'm not good at asking for help.

It is time I quit running from all of this and start the arduous task of facing it head on. 

Day 12 - Little Things

I had a good week.  Not a perfect week, not a great week, not a rotten week - just a good week.  I paid attention to the little things.  Simple things.  These things made my week better.

One of my students brought me a candied apple and gave me a big hug.

Liz gave me two books to help me in my journey. 

My sister forgave me.

Kellie told me she had been praying for something very special for me.

Charlene sent me a text just to check on me.

Grand gestures have their place but the little things we do for the people we love are the ones that have the greatest impact over time.  Knowing you matter, matters.  I hope that I never lose sight of this.  I hope that I am thoughtful enough to do these little things that let others know that they matter to me.

Day 11 - Lies I have told

1.  I'm fine

2.  I know what you mean

3.  That didn't hurt

4.  It's no big deal

5.  I don't really care

6.  No problem

7.  I would have done the same thing

8.  You shouldn't blame yourself

9.  Yes

10.  No

11.  I'll be glad to do it

12.  I know how to do that

13.  You made the right choice

14.  It's not your fault

15.  It doesn't really matter

16.  I trust you

17.  You can do it

18.  I beleive in you

19.  I can handle it


I have told all of these lies to people I love, people I don't care for, people I don't know and to myself.  Sometimes I have lied and not even known it.  Sometime I knew it and refused to accept it.  Sometimes it was just an automatic response.  Sometimes I wanted you to feel better.  Sometime I wanted you to like me better.  Sometime I wanted to like myself better. 

I have also said these things and meant them.  And because I know MY words are sometimes used without integrity I make the assumption that YOUR words also are not always true.  And sometimes, when I am in "one of those moods" I begin to doubt everything that is said to me, particularly the good stuff.   

One thing I know that I want, one thing that I know will improve the quality of my life, simplify my life, make me healthier is for ALL of my words (spoken and written) to be 100% true, 100% of the time.  I know that this is what God desires.  It is now what I desire.  But, I have desired things and not done them because I am afraid.

I don't want to be afraid.  I want to be honest, yet not hurt others.  Maybe sometimes I need to be completely honest even if it will hurt because maybe in the long run it will cause less pain than if I let the lie live on.  This will be a process.  And if I hurt you along the way, please know that my intention is simply to tell the truth.

Day 10 - I Can't Hear You

If you are reading my blog, please post a comment every once in a blue moon so that I don't totally have that creepy feeling that I am talking to myself.

Thanks!

Day 10 - Simple/Complicated Sort

I am a teacher.  I would argue that every person is a teacher.  But, my occupation for which I get paid is Teacher.  And for the most part, I'm a good teacher.  And good teachers ask their students to categorize.  What is and what is not?  What fits, what does not?  And so on. 

This is how my brain works.  It never stops.  It's always trying to take in information and sort it into some logical order.  When things do not make sense, my brain wheels keep turning and turning like a radio searching for a station.  Sometimes my brain is in West Texas and there are no stations.  This drives me crazy.  Sometimes my brain is in Los Angeles and there are more stations than one could imagine.  And this also drives me crazy.

What I have done this week that has simplified my life:
- rearranged my schedule so that I have 10 groups instead of 13
- stopped feeling guilty when everything isn't just so
- focused on one thing at a time

What I have done this week that complicated my life further:
-nothing

Day 1 Goals I met
-Posted on my blog everyday (although Friday was pretty weak)

Day 1 Goals I did not meet
-Everything else

Day 9 - Emotional Nudity

I grew up in the 70's and I was always fascinated with nudists.  For some reason the idea of feeling comfortable walking around without clothes on seemed very freeing.  If I had been raised by other people this might have been my fate.  But, I was raised by Pat and Ted so for the most part, the clothes have stayed on.

With emotions, I have never desired to be so open.  I am perfectly okay with others who can completely reveal their feelings.  In fact, those people are attracted to me.  I am willing to listen to your deepest darkest secret and accept and love you anyway.  You could hurt me in a terrible way and I could still forgive you and love you. 

But somehow I feel so completely vunerable and uncomfortable sharing anything really personal with people.  Even people I trust.  Even my husband.  I don't know if I am afraid that people will think less of me or if I simply do not trust people.  Maybe I have a hard time accepting my flaws.  Maybe I don't want to let people down.  Maybe I beleive that people need me to be strong and stable so that I can support them. 

Just writing this is making me anxious.  My heart is racing and I have that tingly feeling.  Give me something to eat quick.  (So that's where those extra 50 pounds came from.)  See, what I do?  Make a joke when it gets uncomfortable.  Change the subject.  Let's talk about you and your problems. 

I solve other people's problems.  I ignore mine.  I probably do need therapy. 

This is the real reason I only shared this blog address with 4 people when I started it.  I wanted it to be read so that I could have a level of accountability to making life change.  But, I didn't want people to have access to my me.  The real me.  Could I be truly honest if I knew everyone was following along?  I want to be honest, even if it is painful, and it is.

If I can't be real with the people that love me, my life can't be anything but complicated. 

Day 8 - Important

Part of the simple living philosophy is to determine what is most important to you and gradually remove things that aren't or those things that interfere with what is important.  The belief is that what is truly important to us is squeezed out by things and events.  Consumerism and over-working are the two biggest culprits.

When I was in graduate school I took a sociology class and we read a book on post modernity and consumerism.  It was fascinating.  The ideas were new and yet familiar to me.  The basic premise is that since World War II when money and products both became more abundant, society has changed in many ways.  In the pursuit of collecting and maintaining things the following have happened:

1.  Most women now work outside of the home

2.  People work longer hours

3.  Isolation has become the norm.  Where once people built and even needed relationships with family and neighbors we have moved to an "independent" frame of mind.  The time it takes to obtain and maintain our "stuff" leaves limited time for others. 

4.  Debt is common

5.  We spend an enormous amount of time collecting (aka shopping) things and then caring for them.  Think of the average house size.  I have a house that was built in 1955 and it was large at the time (2100 sq. ft.)  This house is on the small side now.  Bigger house, more furniture, more to clean, more to worry about, etc.

6.  We eat out more

7.  Our lives involve less activity 

I took this class 8 years ago and I have been mulling these ideas over for a long time.  Yet I keep moving along with the culture.  I don't plan to end up in an off-grid house collecting my urine to fertilize my garden, but I do want to make some changes that bring me closer to what is truly important in my life.

Day 7 - Overwhelming

It is amazing how once you start writing things down you start to see how you really think.  When I go back and read what I wrote when I am in a different frame of mind I see things differently and sometimes much more clearly.  I guess that's why journaling is therapeautic. 

What I am beginning to notice is that I have been overwhelming myself with my thoughts and that is what is probably the greatest complication in my life.  That and being sick a lot. 

I have unrealistic expectations for myself.  I want to be productive 100% of the time.  Part of that is my personality and part of that comes from my father.  But, what actually ends up happening is that I become overwhelmed with everything I have to do and then I do nothing and get further behind.  I also think my productivity and abilities should remain the same regardless of my physical well being.  This comes from childhood when I was a sickly child and hated it.  I never wanted to use being sick as an excuse.  Being sick is a real reason to be less productive.  It's just not a reason to be unproductive.

Usually on weekends I start by totally vegging out on Friday night.  I read, watch tv, ignore my family, go to bed early and "recover."  Then I get up grudgingly on Saturday and make a list of everything I need to accomplish for home and work by Monday morning.  My list typically includes about 80 hours worth of chores.  No wonder I feel weighed down.

So, I think for this week I need to focus on setting realistic expectations, not on making lists that are overwhelming.  I also need to focus on getting healthier so I can minimize being sick. 

Day 6 - The Spew

I feel a little bit like a whiner.  Spewing my discontent with life and responsibilities.  Going on about my drama.  But, it is making me feel better.  It's helping me let some of this frustration and anxiety go. 

It has become obvious that in my pursuit to simplify my life I am going to have to deal with the clutter, both physical and mental.  I think all of my previous pursuits have dealt meerly with the physical.  I have had this naive notion that if I can remove responsibilities and "stuff" somehow life will be simple.

Then my husband reminded me of someone we know who does not work or have a family and is virtually free to do as he pleases.  And he is the most stressed out person I know.  So stressed that he thinks going away (literally) is the only way to simplify his life. 

I thought I would start this blog and start moving towards a life of simplicity.  I planned to blog about the simple living philosophy and quickly move to lasagna gardening, debt free living and living green.

I'm not sure how long it will take me to get there.  I have much work to do until then.  A lot of that work has to be accomplished through God's work in my heart and spirit.  It is clear to me that I have an abundance of anger that I have learned well how to mask. I beleive psychologists call that depression - anger turned inward. My scope and sequence may have to be refined.  My time line of a year may not be sufficient.  I may need a lifetime.

Day 5 - Friday Makes it All Alright

Friday's are simple.  

Day 4 - OHHH

I started to write a post this morning about the simple living concept and how I got interested in it and then the phone rang.  It was 6:15.  This was the second phone call that came, the first was at 5:20.  Bob's brother was in crisis and his mother called for help. It was serious business.

Then I went to school at 7:00 and left at 5:15.  Got home and immediately went to dinner with my husband and that was a very nice 30 minutes.  We then went to look at mattress's, we are currently on the floor.  Came home and went and looked for recliners to match the new couch.  Got home and Alex walks in. 

He has talked his mom into changing him out of Mandarin Chinese after I have told him no.  Of course I call her immediately and put a halt to that.  He tells me I really have no authority over him and he will be moving out the day he turns 12 (2 weeks from now).  I tell him to make a list of what he plans to take because I will need to approve what leaves the house.  He says he hasn't decided for sure yet, but if I don't start letting him do what he wants he will have no choice but to leave.  I tell him to call his mom and prepare her that she will have a new tenant in 2 weeks.  And then I realize I am fighting with an 11 year old.  I leave and he yells.

He yells and yells and yells (I won't even repeat what is said) until he is kicked out to the yard for manual labor.  It could be midnight before he works his way back to a warm bed.  I may be able to write a bunch.

But, today I am thankful.  I got to kiss my husband.  I had plenty to eat.  I saw my friends lay the foundation for what will change teaching forever at our school.  I got to see two teachers that are interested in becoming reading specialists learn how to screen a child for dyslexia.  I survived.  It was complicated and it was messy and part of it was really ugly, but I survived.

Day 3 - Reactions

As I'm going through the day today I am really paying attention to what zaps my energy and what gives me energy.  I'm thinking that knowing this will somehow help me. 

Worrying definitely zaps my energy.  When something doesn't go exactly as planned.  When I am expecting to have a certain amount of time for a task and part of that time is removed.  When I am working with some students that are having a difficult time managing their behavior.  When I look at my desk and see that I won't be able to accomplish what I thought I could.  When I can't remember what comes next.  When someone says something I don't want to hear.  When the school calls and tells me my son has detention for 3 days for skipping class.  When my son acts belligerent and unrepentent and tells me that he really won't have a consequence because he will be with his mother the next 4 days.  

What I realize is that all of these things in themselves don't cause the stress.  It is my reaction to them.  For me, I can feel my blood pressure rise, the anxiety creeps up (or smacks me across the head), I become agitated, wanting a release, wanting to shut down. 

I know that I am not perfect, but I still have the expectation that I should be perfect.  If I want my life to become simpler it is clear to me that I will have to become more flexible, learn how to deal with some of this anxiety and cut myself some slack.

Day 2 - List 1

Things I would like to do more often

Dance
Smile
Forgive
Laugh
Help others

Things I would like to do less often

Worry
Laundry
Sit in front of a television
Eat
Yell at my son
Make lists

Day 2 - My Sister Says

According to my sister, my life is not that complicated.  I only have one child, I'm a teacher and I don't have many extra-curricular activities.  She thinks a maid and sending laundry out will pretty much simplify my life.

Of course my first reaction is remove her from my "comment" team.  I want to say something really nasty back to her, but she is pregnant, and my sister and this is the day I'm trying to not say anything bad about anyone.  I want to at least check one question yes on my day 1 list.   

I want your support, NOT your honesty.  Oh wait, I do want your honesty.  I'm trying to change, even if it is just my thought process that needs to be changed. 

So, how do you decide if your life is at that level of complication that is enough to keep you challenged and productive and not so much where you want to get in your car and drive away and never look back?  What is the right level of simplification?  Is it possible to simplify too much, to have too little expectation for yourself?

I don't know.  That is why I'm writing this blog and going on this journey.   What I do know is that I have a hard time keeping up with all I have to do.  I am often crabby with the people I care most about because I have used up my patience somewhere else during the day.  I am sick a lot.  I wish I had more energy.  I can't or don't find time for things that I really enjoy.  I don't know how to relax anymore. 

I think I can do better.  I want my life to be better.  I think simplification will make it better.  I just don't know exactly how to get from here to there.

Day 2

Ecclisiastes 1:18 - with much wisdom comes much sorrow, the greater the knowledge, the greater the greif.

I am a seeker of knowledge and pray for wisdom.  I never sat down and actually thought how this complicates my life.  It's supposed to complicate my life because this is how God made me and he uses this part of me to accomplish His work. 

Just like 11 "almost 12" year olds, there are things in my life that are meant to be there that make it messy and hard and complicated.  But this is the part of living that is worth living. 

So it seems that one of my first tasks is to sort out what complications add value and which ones don't.  A life sort of sorts.  What belongs, what does not belong. 

???

Here's the real question.  Can you have a simple life when you have an 11 "practically 12" year old living with you? 

Day 1 Part 3

Of course I am writing a ton on the first day.  It's the first day.  I am an excellent starter.  Full of ideas, not so full of follow through.  Plus I'm home sick and daytime television isn't that appealing. 

It's 3:15, day 1.  After starting my blog and posting I decided I needed one more day of indulgence.  So after eating lunch, I ordered a soup and brownie from On the Border.  Am I the only one that gives in right after I say no?  Does this sound like I am committed to change?  This is SO typical of me.  I'm not going to spend money for a year, but first I am going to splurge and buy as many things as I can before I abstain.  Abstinence never lasts long.  The indulgence adds up.

This is how I got here.  To this complicated life where I have too much, eat too much, commit to too much, complain too much.  And now floating around in my head are a million ideas for this blog and for my plan to journey toward simplicity.  Will all these ideas complicate the process? 

I read so I know.  I know that you are supposed to start with one main priority.  Small steps.  If I go too small I will die before I reach any level of simplicity.  This week I begin with 5 questions.

1.  Can I go one day without a soda?  It doesn't count if I'm in a coma.  I have to choose to have something better in place of soda.

2.  Can I go one day without making a verbal complaint against another person?  Let's face it, the mind is harder to control than the mouth.  The mouth is very hard to control, but I will start there.  I better not try this on the no soda day. 

3.  Can I read my Bible every day this week?

4.  Can I walk 5 miles this week? 

5.  Can I post on this blog every day for a week? 

I'm tired now, a little overwhelmed.  What have I gotten myself into?

Day 1 Part 2

The Mayo Clinic (how appropriate) advises people with asthma to maintain a healthy weight, be physically active, eat nutrient rich foods, and maintain a reasonable amount of stress in order to reduce the frequency and intensity of asthma related symptoms.  Check no to all of the above. 

According to the scale in my bathroom, I weigh 150.2 pounds.  That is approximately 50 more pounds than I weighed when I married Bob.  I wonder how he feels about that.  I don't particularly care for it but I am the one letting it happen. 

I am physically active sometimes, but not right now.  This summer I swam almost every day and my lungs felt better than they have in years.  I had NO breathing problems until last week.  It has been 2 months since I had a regular exercise program.  School started and though I said it was a priority, obviously it was not. 

Eating healthy -the ironic thing is that I am a Registered Dietitian.  I know how to eat well.  I enjoy eating well.  I have a garden.  I just don't eat well.  I use food to relieve stress and I am addicted to sodas.  I can't explain why I choose the foods I do.  It's almost a rebellion.  Why else would I avoid things I enjoy that are actually healthy for me?

As mentioned before, I don't avoid stress, I court it.  The problem is that the more stress I have the more I try to avoid it and the more stress I create.  Visious cycle.