Day 61 - Letting go

I am not one for convention.  That is what my family tells me.  That is what I have come to believe about myself.  But, I am one for consistent non-convention.


Get that?  I may not do things the way everyone else does them but I do them my way over and over, making it conventional for me.  


Breaking bad habits, thinking differently, changing common practices for a purpose are not easy.  This journey started with me fighting to change but not wanting to let go.  So many things in my life are still the same.  But, some are changing and this gives me great hope that if I consciously work at changing things that do not add value to the life of my family, I can.


As open as I am as a person, I am just as closed.  In some areas of my life I don't know where the key to the padlock is.  My mind gets stuck.  I have for years tried to get God to change His plan for me to fit into my mold.  I am now becoming open to fitting my plan into His mold.  Not quite there yet but heading in that direction.


So much energy into the maintenance of things that are not important, just comfortable. 


I'm a little afraid to change too much.  I'm scared that my relationships will change for the worse.  More likely, they will change for the better.  


Prayer and Bible Study have to be the center of my decision making.  Not impulse.  Not emotions.  Not others.  Those all have a role, but they can't be the guiding force.


Sixty-one days with a lot of focus on me.  This seems quite extravagant and indulgent.  Moving towards simplicity.  Cleaning out some junk.  Making room for others.  Making room for God.  


I think 2010 is going to be a great year, regardless of what happens.

Day 60 - New Years Resolutions

I don't know if I will actually make New Years Resolutions this year but there are some things I would like to do in 2010.

I would like to give my husband and son a card at least twice a month with something positive in it about what they mean to me.

I would like to lose at least 15 pounds by eating healtheier and moving around a lot more.

I would like to take time for people when they need it and not always rush, rush, rush.

There are more things I would like to do but  they will come out of me over time.  This is what I want to start with.  I'm learning that if you want something you can have it if you make it a priority and have some self-discipline.  My problem has been wanting it but not wanting to do what it takes to get the desired result.

The same problem I gripe at my son about.  Realized in me. 

2009 has been a strange year for me.  Probably the hormones.  But I feel like I am starting to grow up.  At 44.  Things have always been easy for me and I have taken this for granted.  But the body slows and the mind follows and what was once easy becomes difficult.  Not impossible.

Day 59 - Family Time

Bob, Alex, Radar, Daisy and I just spent 4 wonderful days out in West Texas.  We got in the RV with little thoughtful preparation, seeing as how it was the morning after Christmas, and headed to Garner State Park.

Phones didn't work.  No computers.  No video games.  No grocery store around the corner.

Lots of beautiful skies and places to hike and rocks to skip and trees to climb.  Wide open spaces to explore and use your imagination or let your mind rest.  No urgency. 

We cooked the majority of our meals in a dutch oven over an open flame.  Team effort.  Bob and Alex would build the fire and keep it going.  I would prepare the food, which was simple.  Lots of improvisition because I forgot a lot of things.  However it turned out, we were happy to eat after a day of activity.  Working as a team towards a common goal.  Satified together when it was accomplished.  Family bonding at its best.

It got dark and cold early.  We were usually back in the RV by 7:30.  We would watch a movie (VHS on a little bitty tv) or read.  We only had 3 movies so it was easy to choose.  Too much selection definetly complicates.  I don't think I stayed up past 8:30 any night.  Cold snuggle nights with 4 blankets.  The heater wasn't working.

Up before the crack of dawn to take the dogs for a walk about.  No hurry to get back.  Go where the day takes you.

I know going camping in an RV in a rather remote place does not sound like a vacation to a lot of people.  But it is the perfect vacation for us.  Time spent together.  Without much distraction.  Lots of conversation and spontaneous comedy routines by Alex.  His Billy Mays inpersonation will make you wet your pants. 

Alex said we should sell all of our stuff and just live in the motor home.  Travel from place to place.  Don't think it hasn't crossed our minds.  But for now we will remain a part of the rat race.  With eyes looking toward a simpler way of life.

Day 54 - Surreal

Christmas always seems a little surreal to me.  Yes I bought a bunch of gifts.  I spent time wrapping those gifts (although each year less and less time is spent on this.)  I gave those gifts out.  I received gifts.  A few decorations were put up although this year a Christmas tree did not make it into the house.  Cooked some good food.  ATe a lot of good food.

By many standards we had a simple Christmas.  But it still seems a little overwhelming.  

Questions run through my mind.

What would a totally green Christmas look like?  No tree?  Gift wrap?  Presents? Travel?  Just a few special foods?

What will happen when our parents are no longer with us?  Will we keep the same traditions?  Will we have Christmas Eve with my siblings or will we each start our own traditions with our families?  What will we do on Christmas day?

Will we ever have a white Christmas in Colorado or Banff?

When Alex is grown will he choose to come home for Christmas?

What would happen if I didn't give any gifts for a year?

Could I go the rest of my life without buying a purse or make-up?

What size am I going to be next Christmas?

When should I start my diet?  Tomorrow or New Year's Day?

I need to go look at cookbooks.

I'm thinking this mind of mine never lets things be simple.  I could live in the middle of nowhere with no distractions and my mind would keep it complicated?

Day 53 - Christmas with the Mayo's

Top 10 Memories of Christmas with the Mayo's (my side of the family)

10.  The children trying to eat all of the breakfast and leave none for the hungry adults.

9.  Watching my sister's pug (Maggie) go after my neice's pug (Lucy) because Maggie thought the outfit Lucy had on was a toy and she is very jealous about toys.

8.  Driving home in the RV with the wind blowing us all over the road.

7.  Cold, bitter cold.  Hoping for snow.  The howling wind of a blue northern whipping through.

6.  Hanging out with the fam at my brothers.

5.  Sleeping in the RV with Bob, Alex, my nephews and the dogs.  Major rainstorm in the middle of the night.

4.  Alex getting a whip and saying "My girlfriend sure is going to like this."

3.  Cooking in the kitchen with my mom and sister.  Melted butter, not softened butter.

2.  FOOD, FOOD, FOOD

1.  The electricity went out at about 6 pm - just as we were finishing opening our Christmas presents.  Candles and flashlights paved the way to packing up.  Goodbye's in the cold and dark.

Day 52 - Please Pray

I'm thinking of someone who lost her husband over 10 years ago.  Her children are spread out across the United States.  She will spend Christmas Eve with her cat.  Just another day.  Nothing special.  Please say a prayer for her.

I'm thinking of children who know a different Christmas than I know.  There is a lack of presents and an abundance of alcohol and drama.  Someone's going to get hurt - probably them.  Scar on top of scar on top of scar.  Please say a prayer for them.

I'm thinking of someone who has driven everyone away.  She's already shedding tears because there is no one for her for the holidays.  The pain of lonliness is 10-fold at Christmas.   Please say a prayer for her.

Thank you Lord for all of the wonderful people you have put in my life.  Thank you for letting me know your perfect love and the imperfect love of those around me.  Please help me to be a light to those who don't know you.  Help me to really love people simply because you created them and they are special to you. Give me strength to be kind when I would rather not.  Please grant me the patience to serve you instead of myself.  Teach me to love the way you love. 

Day 51 - Winter Began

Yesterday winter began.  My favorite day of the year.  I am one of those people that derives their energy from the sun.  So from this point on through June as each day offers more and more sunlight, my spirits lift.

It's also that perfect day before Christmas.  After the bulk of the preparation is done and before the busyness the last few days bring.  A day of simplicity in a complicated season.  The calm before the storm.  I'm not sure that is the way God intended it but in America's Christmas that is the way it is.

Reflection of the past year and hope for the new one.  This is the year I will ..... (fill in the blank.)  Everything is possible.

Welcome back Winter.

Day 50 - Random

MRI for 30 minutes of the stress test.  Thirty minutes to keep my mind occupied so I would not think about having to be still.  Or the glob in my throat of unswallowed spit.  Or the machine that was awfully close to my face. 

Random thought #1
Addiction sucks.  I have spent several years being addicted to soda.  Not caffeine.  Soda.  Mainly Coke or Dr. Pepper.  I was a moderate user until I became a foster parent.  One little boy that had needs beyond my skills and I chose something to keep me going.  He left, the addiction stayed. 

Now, I have given it up.  It's hard and this may sound crazy, but a little bit lonely.  When I had a hard day, drink a Coke.  When I didn't feel well.  When I got home from school.  When I got up.  When I was celebrating.  The list goes on.  Alex says soda was my booze.  I laughed but the words rang true.

He asked me when would I start drinking soda again.  I said hopefully never.  I can't handle it.  Right now I really miss it.  But I know that desire will fade with time.

Random Thought #2
I got the new Radney Foster CD and it's excellent.  One of the chorus' goes something like this:
If I'm going to play, I'm going to play loud
If I'm going to love, I'm going to love big
I don't want life watered down, I want to drink it strong
Until it's gone

Another reminder that life is messy but living it is worthwhile.

Random Thought #3
I have a saying (I actually have a lot of sayings):  Your strength is your weakness and your weakness is your strength.

My fascination with strangeness, which makes me socially inept at times, also helps me love all the idiosynchrasies in people.  Those things that others find off-putting, I find endearing. 

Day 49 - Paternal Roots Part I

Hazel Marie Lee Mayo.  My grandmother.  Someone who loved me unconditionally.  Someone whose face lit up when I walked through the door.  Someone who saved a piece of chocolate pie for me in a drawer because she knew it was my favorite and didn't want everyone to eat it before I got there.  Someone who snuck me an extra coke (in the bottle) when no one was looking.  Someone who made me a special quilt, different from all the others because I shared her middle name.  I was special to her.

When I think about my grandmother I think about me.  How wonderful I felt to be around her.  How safe I felt.  How loved I felt.  Isn't that the way a grandmother should make you feel?

I have a lot of wonderful memories about my grandmother.  Unlike my Mama who died when I was 8, my dad's mom was alive through my childhood and most of my 20's.  I really got to know her. 

This is my grandmothers life as I know it.  It could have been vastly different from what I remember or from what I have been told.  But this is what I know to be true.

My great-grandfather was a restless man.  Maybe it was the times or maybe it was an unsettledness that raged in his soul.  Whatever the case, he changed jobs frequently and they moved often.  He was a sometimes preacher and sometimes salesman and most likely a sometimes unemployed father of many children.  There were periods of provision and times of want.  My grandmother went hungry and because of this she spent her life battling with food.  She had bulimia.

Grandmother (she hated being called grandma) married Hardy P. Mayo when she was in her early 20's.  He was quite the catch.  His family had land and cash during the depression.  Not a tremendous amount to where they would be called wealthy but enough that they didn't suffer and were considered well-off.  My grandmother was drawn to the stability that money can provide.  I'm sure she loved my grandpa but when you've done without, survival instinct is the strongest instict of all. 

Grandpa made good on his promise.  He was a provider.  Trained as a banker in the late 1920's he had to make an abrupt career change after the depression.  It left an indelible mark on him.  Although he always had plenty, he was guarded with his money - just in case.

From all accounts my grandpa was a fun guy with lots of friends (more about him in another post).  He was also spoiled.  He liked to have his way, as do most people.  The problem was that his way was given to him so often that he believed he was entitled to it.  He loved my grandmother but he was always first. 

They raised 5 children together.  My grandmother was a softy, showing her children the same love and attention that she gave me.  My grandpa was hard as stone.  Maybe harder.  He simply didn't like the tomfoolery of children.  They were afraid of him.  They avoided him.  They loved him and hated him all at the same time.  This friction caused scars in all of them and my grandmother as well.  She tried to make it better but he was bigger and stronger and at that time that was the way with men and women.  Because of this my grandmother had "nerves" and pills to help when things went too far out of control.

Since my grandpa's family was a founding member of the community they lived in my grandmother had a reputation to keep up and this suited her just fine.  I think those years of uncertainty made her latch on to being a pillar in the community.  She was in garden club and Daughters of the American Revolution and other important things like that.  She dressed the part.  I loved to play with her hats, scarves, gloves and jewelry.  Her home though simple, was always beautifully decorated and clean.  I never once remember seeing her house dirty.  She had a lot of friends and I loved to go with her to the beauty shop where they would gossip as if I wasn't there. 

My grandmother died in her 80's.  Years before that she had began to wane in body and spirit.  That is the grandmother my sister knows because she came along later.  I could write a million more things about her.  I think about Hazel Marie more at Christmas than any other time of the year.  She loved this holiday.  I loved her.

Day 48 - Medicine

For years I have taken two monthly medications.  Advair for asthma prevention.  Nasonex to prevent nasal polyps and avoid a 4th nasal surgery.  I also have allergy medicine (prescription strength) as needed and an inhaler for my asthma.

Then there have been all of the antibiotics for sinus infections and the like.  Pain medications following the multiple surgeries.  And now I have added Lipitor to hopefully keep me alive long enough to enjoy retirement and grandchildren.

My monthly tab on the regulars = 85 dollars.  That's my part of the co-pay.  Our budget for my yearly medication is about 1500 dollars.  Amazing.

Tonight I went to a party with my friends and took a medication that really is a miracle drug.  It heals depression and lonliness and even gives you an energy boost you wouldn't beleive.  What is truly amazing about this medicine is that it is free.  Drug companies are going to do everything in their power to get rid of it.

It's laughter.  No matter what your day feels like, how much you have to do, how bad or tired you feel, laughter makes it all better even if only for a moment.  It really is the best medicine.

Day 47 - Crash

I have crashed.  I soon will be asleep.  Only my desire to post every day that I have access to a computer has caused me to stay up an extra 10 minutes and write.

It happened at 12:30 pm today.  Crash.  Body yelling - stop, rest, quit, go to sleep, do not pass go, do not collect $200, just crash.

Seven hours past and I've been running on fumes and they are now sputtering.

See you tomorrow.

Day 46 - Vision

I have always had the ability to plan well.  It's the way my brain works.  Take in information, anaylze it and organize it.  And while I can focus and have direction, I have never had vision.

I think too small.  Alex told me this about homework.  He said I worry too much about the details and not enough about the big picture.  Homework is insignificant.  He's going to be the boss, other people will do his work for him.  He's probably right about being the boss and probably right about me too.

I do get bogged down in the details.  It's what makes me a good planner.  No stone left unturned.  It also limits my vision. 

It is my good fortune that I work with someone who has vision.  Incredible vision.  Bust open your brain vision.  And I think it is beginning to rub off on me.

I have at times this year stressed and felt a little guilty about spending less time focusing on my teaching  and more time focusing on a broader plan for helping struggling students.  And then it dawned on me.  For the first three years of teaching I focused on being a really good medication for learning influenza.  Perfecting my effectiveness.  Now I'm morphing into a vaccine.  With hopes of one day irradicating the need for any child to be left behind or pulled away.  I'm still in the development process and working out the kinks.  There are undesirable side effects.  But when the transition is complete the impact will be far greater.  That kind of sounds like vision.

Day 45 - Blank

Today I have writer's block.  First time on this project.  Maybe I'm just too tired to think.  Woke up at 3 am and never went back to sleep.  Busy day at work.  Busy day at home.

I wonder if this is what happens to our students sometimes.  All that life drama that needs to come out gets trapped in a tired and weary 4th grader. Can't find their voice. 

Maybe they have a story in them and don't know how to tell it.  Maybe they won't be able to tell it until they are 43.

Day 44 - Christmas Wishes

What I really want for Christmas

I want people to quit abusing and neglecting their children

I want everyone to have enough to eat and a warm and safe place to sleep at night

I want everyone to have someone to love and for them to be loved by someone

I want for people to think the best about others instead of thinking the worst

I want people to grant forgiveness (even when it is not deserved)

I want people to work hard and take pride in the job they do

I want people to do what is right instead of what they can get away with


I want people to really listen

I want people to help each other out and expect nothing in return

I want people to be kind and patient

Day 43 - Monday

Monday is a crazy day.  Even when it is easy it is crazy.  It's the jolt of the transition from being on your own time to being on someone else's time.

Best laid plans.  Monday takes that vision you have for the week and tweaks it with reality. 

Lesson plans that go perfectly in your mind don't go so perfectly in the Monday brain of a child.

Patience can be thin.

Dinner becomes sandwiches instead of swiss steak. 

Time to relax is stolen by obligations that always take longer than anticipated.

I like Mondays.  They are honest. 

Day 42 - Exhausted

My Christmas shopping is done.  Finished except for the wrapping.

I did about 42 chores this weekend.  My house is still not clean but it is much closer than when the weekend began. 

I worked hard and didn't spend a lot of time relaxing, other than Friday night.

Paying back all that slacker time when I didn't take care of business.

Preparing so that later I won't have Christmas shopping and 42 chores.

Simplicity requires intermittent hard work. 

Day 41 - What comes in

I think one of the simplest ways to simplify your life is to simplify what comes into your home. 

Here are some questions I ask myself off and on to try to limit overconsumption.

FOOD
Will I eat it this week?  I live within 2 miles of about 6 grocery stores.  They can serve as my pantry.  I don't need to stock up.  In fact, stocking up can clutter up things to the point where I can't find what I have.  If there is a great sale, I might buy some extra but I have learned not to over do it.  I do make an exception for toilet paper (due to psychological scars from childhood.)

Will my schedule allow me to prepare this?  How many times have I thrown away food because I got too busy to cook it.  Elaborate meals aren't feasible for the week.  I'm not going to get up and prepare anything for my lunch.  I should never go to the grocery store unless my kitchen is clean because I am much more likely to cook with a clean kitchen.  Who wants to wash dishes before meal prep? 

CLOTHES, ETC.

Do I need it?  Maybe the better question is how much do I NOT need it.  I do not need another tank top undershirt.  I have at least 30.  Just because I see a cute purple one and don't have a purple one doesn't mean I need to buy another one.  I am trying to not buy things that I'm not even close to needing.

Do I want it?  Have you ever bought something, brought it home and then wonder why you got it?  If I don't like it, chances are I'm not going to get good use out of it.  I will wear it a few times out of obligation, but then I will find many reasons never to put it on.

Will I wear it?  I bought a crazy multi color shirt dress a couple of years ago that was quite expensive because for a moment I wanted to be one of those people that would actually wear something like that.  I will not wear it.  I will look at it and say things like, if I had different parents I could put that on and feel totally comfortable.  I will try it on occasionally and pretend like I might wear it but I will change before I actually go out.

Does it fit?  Ever bought something that is the size you plan to be in 6 months?  I have smalls with the tags still on them.  I have been a medium for 4 years.  There is no logic to this.  I see something cute and its on a great sale and I just know when I am a size 4 again it will look great.  Well everything looks good on you when you are a size 4.  But what are the odds that I will be a size 4 again without a terminal illness?

If I were Bob I would have a section here about vehicles, but I'm not so I will leave that to him and his blog.

Day 40 - It's all good

One Christmas party, two margaritas, my husband and my friends - I'm feeling great.  I actually had fun.  Relaxed, not worried about what I need to do or how dirty the house is.  Just enjoyed the company of my co-workers and had fun.

Came home with some Starbucks's biscotti and gift card. 

Lessons planned for next week.

Alex at Boy Scout Camp.

Warm bed waiting.

Good night.

Day 39 - I'm working it out

Somehow, through choices of my own accord, I am here.  You know where here is if you've been reading along.  This was not my intended destination.  I did not have a goal to end up tired, chunky and either unable or unwilling to do a good job at home and work.

I always tell my kids that you can make a situation better or worse.  I have made things worse.  But, now I am really working to make them better and because of this a huge load has been lifted. 

Going down a road that you know is destructive is defeating.  It's like watching yourself hurt yourself, knowing it's not okay and continuing on.  Feeling no power to stop yourself.  Telling yourself that tomorrow will be different, yet continuing to walk down that road.

That road was not leading me to where I want to be.  I'm not sure which road will.  I'm not sure anymore what my goal is.  I know I need to figure that out.  I know I need God to show me. 

By the way, day 2 with no soda. 

Day 38 - Check

Unless things really break down in the next 2 hours and I lose all self-control I will have gone a full day without a soda.  I have the headache to prove it.  Check.

I also picked up my prescription for Lipitor, which I swore I would die first before taking.  I might have died first but I decided to take it until I get my act together and can manage my cholesterol with diet and exercise.

I'm about to go walk my dogs. 

Watch out.  Before you know it I will be eating vegan, attending yoga conferences in cool places like Telluride and using only homeopathic medicinal treatments.

Oh wait, one step at a time.  Let's start with 2 days of no soda.

Day 37 - Time to get Serious

Do I sound like a broken record?  Time to get serious.  A million starts.

It is serious.  As my doctor said today, I'm 44, out of shape, overweight, and with a cholesterol over 300, plaque is building up in my arteries.  If I don't change, bad things are likely to happen.

Chest pains, tingling jaw, pain shooting up my neck, lethargy.  These are already common.  What's next?

I feel like I have let myself down.  Missing out.  Too tired to do things that matter, that add meaning to my life.

I feel like I have let my family down.  Not there.  Sitting in front of a television.  Going to bed early.  Too tired to participate.  Too tired to cook a decent meal.   Too tired to take care of you the way I promised.

I feel like I have let my co-workers and students down.  Missing work.  Not 100%.  Things on the list not getting done.  Lesson plans that are mediocre.  Reports that I pass off to someone else.

I feel like I have let God down.  Not reading my Bible.  Not going to church. 

Okay, I'll stop the self-pity.  That won't get me anywhere. 

I'm far enough gone that this path way back to being healthy is going to hurt.  It will be painful emotionally and physically.  But I don't want to just give up and slip into middle aged decline. 

It's time to get serious.

It's time to fight for myself.

Day 36 - Denial

Back in the day when I was a working Dietitian I was always amazed by people with Diabetes.  They could be in the hospital, two days past a foot amputation and still eating as much sugar as they could get and assuring everyone who would listen that they really didn't have Diabetes, it was just a foot infection.  Denial.  So powerful.  So dangerous.

Yet here I am with heart issues and acting like everything is okay.  My total cholesterol is close to 300 and my LDL is 200 - DANGEROUS.  When I had chest pains and went to the ER 2 years ago the EKG showed that at some time I had had a mild heart attack.  My doctor has wanted me on cholesterol lowering medication for years.  I keep putting it off.  I know that I need to lose weight and start exercising.  I keep putting it off. 

So today all day I have been having chest pains.  In my mind I know it is not normal, but I keep rationalizing that it can't be a heart issue.  I"m 44.  It's probably heartburn.  Maybe I pulled a muscle.  Tonight Bob comes home and suggests Koppe Bridge.  I have a hamburger and fries for dinner.

I'm sure there is some pyschological term for people who live in denial.  But I don't want to know.  I don't have time to worry about why my chest keeps tightening.  I have too much to do.  Or maybe I have too much to do because I don't want to worry about it. 

Day 35 - Homeless

I haven't been to church since summer.  Every Sunday and often on other days I feel - homeless.  There have been other periods of time that I did not attend church, but those times were because I just didn't want to go.

It is hard for me to stay in God's word when I am not in His church.  I'm very hit or miss.  And His word is what feeds the Holy Spirit and guides us to be in His will instead of our own.  God clearly states in His word the importance of church.  And by church I mean worship with other believers.

I have taken this time away to be sure that I have clarity when I choose another church.  I have left 3 churches in my adult life for reasons of human nature creating an environment within the church that was clearly against God's teaching. 

In one church several elders accused a music minister of inappropriate behavior with a child because they wanted him gone and had not been able to get rid of him any other way.  When the authorities decided to investigate this man, they recanted the accusations.  They were willing to lie to get rid of him but not to send him to jail.  He had already left and the church was divided. 

The second church I left allowed a parent to stay in a children's leadership role after she failed to protect her own child.  Her husband sexually abused her daughter (his step-daughter) and went to jail for a year and half.  When he was released, she allowed him back home.  Since he was not allowed to be in the same home as her daughter, she sent her daughter to live with a relative.  I taught this girl in Sunday School and it broke both her heart and mine.

The last church I left sent out a missive that unless you were willing to come to 90% of church services, meet weekly in a small group, serve on at least 2 weekly ministry committees and give a minimum of 10% of your salary you needed to find another church.  The pastor said in his letter that if people didn't leave voluntarily he would start asking people to leave.  I left voluntarily and knew that even if I met all of those criteria I could not be a part of a church that made people feel so unwelcome. 

Is it me?  Do I expect too much?  I know that all churches are administered by humans and humans are fallible.  Churches are not perfect and never will be. Scandals aren't that uncommon.  Maybe it is my all or nothing personality.  I can stick with flawed people but why can't I stick with a flawed church?  Should you stick with a church that is so flawed?

I just know that I can't really move forward until this is settled.  I need to find a church home.  I need to be in God's word and I need to be following His direction instead of trying to find my way in the dark.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Day 34 - Unconventional

You know that chip that everyone has embedded into their brain that allows them to pick up on social cues and norms and adjust their behavior accordingly?  The one that keeps society intact.  I don't have one that functions very well.  I know about it because I see it in others. 

I have always been different, eccentric, unusual.  It is what people find endearing about me and what drives them away. 

At times in my life when being different was painful I wanted to be normal.  For the most part I have learned to accept that this is just who I am.  And because I am this way I really appreciate the strange parts of people.  I find those qualities endearing.

This makes it easy for me to teach Special Education where many of my students have been far off the "normal" track.  I love them for their differentness and they know it and feel accepted. 

So I would like to take time to thank my husband (who married me because he thought I marched to the beat of a different drummer) and my family and friends for accepting me and my unconventional ways.

Day 33 - Unplanned

Sometimes the best evenings are unplanned.  Actually, I had plans.  I was planning to come home and relax and make crepes for a bridal shower tomorrow.  Read my People magazine.  Go out to eat with the family.  Watch some TV and go to bed early.

But, today Charlene asked if I would watch her young son so she and her mom could go to the movie.  And I said yes.  No thinking about it.  No seeing if it would work out, just yes.

All within 5 minutes we got home, Bob got home and they came to drop Tyler off.  He cried for the first 45 minutes.  I made one-handed chili while I held him. Bob, two of his brothers, Alex, Tyler and I moved the RV (without the help of an engine.)  We ate dinner and laughed at Tyler as he tried to mimic them playing peek-a-boo.  I mixed a batch of crepes and tried to keep him out of the dogfood which was ever so fascinating.

Then Tyler and I sat in the recliner and watched the best parts of Dirty Dancing.  He held his sippy cup of milk and a wooden spoon with a death grip. 

After he left, I went to the store and it was cold and quiet out.  Came home to find Bob in bed and Alex asleep in the recliner.  Made the crepes.  Now it is time to read a little and go to bed.  Content.  Everything got done that needed to get done.  We laughed and enjoyed the happiness that a small child who still can marvel at the littlest things can bring. 

Day 32 - Family vs. Job

Have you ever felt like your family is interfering with your ability to get your job done (or done well) and that your job is interfering with you properly taking care of your family?

My husband says its that good old German guilt passed down for generations.  He's probably right. 

As mentioned before I tend to be more of an all or nothing kind of person.  Balance is something I work towards but it isn't something that just comes naturally.  I don't always know how to be both a good wife and mother and a good teacher.

I'm trying.  I am beginning to realize that some days I will be stronger than others.  Some days the fam will have to be the priority and sometimes the job can be the priority and that's okay.  I'm learning not to feel so much guilt for not being able to perfectly manage my life.  I'm learning that guilt has the potential to ruin both experiences.  I'm learning.

Day 31 - Natures Sedative

Cold weather, short days, cloudy skies.  There is really no choice but to curl up under the blanket, get a cup of hot chocolate and read a book.

Day 30 - Open

I have been reading Andre Aggasi's autobiography - Open.  It is the right book for me at the right time.  I won't spoil it for you but he writes the real story (as well as any person can tell their own real story.)  The behind the scenes story.  What we saw as the public, what was really going on.

This resonates with me.  Probably for everyone.  I have known few people who live completely authentic lives.  We live behind smoke and mirrors that we create to be a more pallitable version of ourselves.  So much subterfuge to keep track of.  My sister and I always talk about what someone's story is.  The back story.  We have our own back story and most of it will never be told.

I learned this the hard way as a foster parent.  Going to a clinic with a sick child and being made to wait for hours because the nurse saw my address and was furious that I had a medicaid card.  She tried to humiliate and belittle me and then when she realized I was a foster parent she broke down and apologized profusely for misjudging me. 

At school.  Watching a teacher deny a child a chance to go on a field trip for not trying on the TAKS test.  The only child left behind in an entire grade.  A child that could not read the TAKS test because no one had taught her to read and had assumed her scores were poor because of her behavior.  Behavior brought on by unspeakable acts perpetrated against an innocent. 

Everyone has a story.  I have tried to spend time getting to know people instead of judging them or creating my own story for their life.  But, I fail.  Sometimes I need to be reminded how important it is to listen to someone, give them the benefit of the doubt and pray for them.  Thanks for the reminder Andre.