Yes, no title. Nothing came to mind. My mind has crashed. It followed my body which crashed about 2:23 this afternoon. Nap crash. Want to sit in the chair for 14 days without taking a shower or brushing my teeth crash.
I've been pushing, pushing, pushing past some limits. Staying up too late. Trying to get too much done. Calling simplicity a four letter word. Usually I would just get sick. That's what typically happens. Today I just got overwhelmingly tired.
See, I'm rambling. No coherency left.
People need respite. I need respite. It charges me up. Increases my productivity. Allows creativity. Keeps me patient. Makes me sane. Well, as sane as I'm ever gonna be.
Sometimes my narcissism wants me to believe that I am the Energizer Bunny. But, I'm not. I'm just a girl who wants to save the world, take good care of my family, and find joy in every day life. So little room for rest. But no chance without it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 119 - Plans
In two weeks I expect one of the following to happen:
#1 I will
complete my taxes
sleep late
plant my garden
read a book
buy some cute shorts
see a movie
#2
My sister will have a baby and I will go see her and get none of list 1 done except read a book.
I vote for #2.
Next week I'm planning to start swimming. The pool is heated. It's going to be COLD when I get out. I went to look for a hooded terry cloth robe at the mall and there were none. I found one on line for $100. I'm thinking I'll just have to make do. But, it sure is going to be COLD.
Tomorrow I plan to go up to work and clean my room. It's beyond. That's all I can say.
#1 I will
complete my taxes
sleep late
plant my garden
read a book
buy some cute shorts
see a movie
#2
My sister will have a baby and I will go see her and get none of list 1 done except read a book.
I vote for #2.
Next week I'm planning to start swimming. The pool is heated. It's going to be COLD when I get out. I went to look for a hooded terry cloth robe at the mall and there were none. I found one on line for $100. I'm thinking I'll just have to make do. But, it sure is going to be COLD.
Tomorrow I plan to go up to work and clean my room. It's beyond. That's all I can say.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 118 - Beautiful Day
Today I was warm. Had plenty to eat. Did not worry where I would sleep tonight. Felt safe. And loved.
It was a beautiful day.
It was a beautiful day.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 117 - Funerals
I have been to 2 funerals in the last 48 hours. One in Florida, one in Texas. I'm actually too tired to write, but it has been a while and I wanted to post a couple of things while they are fresh on my mind.
In addition to serving as a celebration of a person's life and a chance to say goodbye, funerals serve as a reminder to the living to live. To forgive. To prioritize. To do things that matter.
What I want to do is:
Spend more time with people I love. They won't be around forever. Even if they are difficult, say inappropriate things most of the time, etc. You just have to accept your family and love them anyway. You get to choose your friend and can be a little more picky with them.
Help people out more. Be less selfish. I know everyone needs recovery time for life, but every minute counts. I want to get as much in as possible.
Focus on God's purpose for my life.
In addition to serving as a celebration of a person's life and a chance to say goodbye, funerals serve as a reminder to the living to live. To forgive. To prioritize. To do things that matter.
What I want to do is:
Spend more time with people I love. They won't be around forever. Even if they are difficult, say inappropriate things most of the time, etc. You just have to accept your family and love them anyway. You get to choose your friend and can be a little more picky with them.
Help people out more. Be less selfish. I know everyone needs recovery time for life, but every minute counts. I want to get as much in as possible.
Focus on God's purpose for my life.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 113 - Goodbye Uncle Virgil
Every day of my life that I have lived, except for today, my Uncle Virgil has been alive.
I have always known him.
He is a part of the fabric of my life.
He was my dad's college roomate and married my mom's sister.
More than just an uncle.
A true character. In a world filled with manufactured people, he always felt the freedom to just be who he was. I loved that about him.
He's the only person I know that built their own television.
He was frugal.
He loved babies.
You had to fight him for the remote control.
He had a pair of plaid pants that he wore for at least 30 years. Through 2 phases of popularity.
He had his mother's smile and he used it often.
He was loud.
He gave big hugs.
He played by the rules (he knew the official rules of every game we every played.)
He loved my mom's pies.
He always had his 2 for 1 coupons ready when my dad came to visit.
He loved his family. And they loved him.
He will be missed.
I have always known him.
He is a part of the fabric of my life.
He was my dad's college roomate and married my mom's sister.
More than just an uncle.
A true character. In a world filled with manufactured people, he always felt the freedom to just be who he was. I loved that about him.
He's the only person I know that built their own television.
He was frugal.
He loved babies.
You had to fight him for the remote control.
He had a pair of plaid pants that he wore for at least 30 years. Through 2 phases of popularity.
He had his mother's smile and he used it often.
He was loud.
He gave big hugs.
He played by the rules (he knew the official rules of every game we every played.)
He loved my mom's pies.
He always had his 2 for 1 coupons ready when my dad came to visit.
He loved his family. And they loved him.
He will be missed.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Day 112 - 21
I'm not 21 any longer. My bones tell me that frequently. And when I look in the mirror I am instantly reminded. Damn mirror.
But, once I was 21. And I remember it and it doesn't feel that far away. It doesn't feel 23 years ago. Part of me still feels 21. Somedays I wake up surprised that I am married, a mother, a teacher, a homeowner. When you look at me do you see that 21 year old? Or do you only see a middle aged woman? I still have dreams and hopes for my future. I still love a man and desire him. I still have insecurities. I still have a lot to learn. I still love to laugh and have fun with my friends. I still have ups and downs. Success and failure. Strengths and weaknesses.
I am not just 44. I am all of the years and experiences along the way to 44. I am 0-44. And 21 falls in between. So, I guess I am 21 after all.
But, once I was 21. And I remember it and it doesn't feel that far away. It doesn't feel 23 years ago. Part of me still feels 21. Somedays I wake up surprised that I am married, a mother, a teacher, a homeowner. When you look at me do you see that 21 year old? Or do you only see a middle aged woman? I still have dreams and hopes for my future. I still love a man and desire him. I still have insecurities. I still have a lot to learn. I still love to laugh and have fun with my friends. I still have ups and downs. Success and failure. Strengths and weaknesses.
I am not just 44. I am all of the years and experiences along the way to 44. I am 0-44. And 21 falls in between. So, I guess I am 21 after all.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Day 111 - Split
Tonight my son is with his mom. It is where he goes every other weekend, Thursday evenings and one month in the summer.
I miss him.
Sometimes I hold back from giving him every last ounce of my love.
Because I do not have all of him.
And it hurts too much.
I have lost him before and I survived.
But not completely intact.
One day he will be neither here nor there.
He will be grown and making his own choices about where he goes.
And I will miss him then.
As I do now.
And I will wonder if he is happy and safe and well loved.
As I do now.
Sleep well Sweet Pea. Child of my heart.
I miss him.
Sometimes I hold back from giving him every last ounce of my love.
Because I do not have all of him.
And it hurts too much.
I have lost him before and I survived.
But not completely intact.
One day he will be neither here nor there.
He will be grown and making his own choices about where he goes.
And I will miss him then.
As I do now.
And I will wonder if he is happy and safe and well loved.
As I do now.
Sleep well Sweet Pea. Child of my heart.
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